Manjanaia2005-03-06 15:11:54
Mine has to be the Simpsons
Homer wants a donut, and he looks in the fridge, and reads a note.
"Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed Homer."
and homer says
"Bastard, he's always one step ahead!"
Homer wants a donut, and he looks in the fridge, and reads a note.
"Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed Homer."
and homer says
"Bastard, he's always one step ahead!"
Veonira2005-03-06 15:18:58
One of my favorites is from Family Guy...
Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, its a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh. Like a happy special...
Doctor: You're going to die.
Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, its a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh. Like a happy special...
Doctor: You're going to die.
Manjanaia2005-03-06 15:21:07
Family Guy!!
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
And anything Stewie says is pretty hilarious
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOO'!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
And anything Stewie says is pretty hilarious
Soll2005-03-06 15:22:30
Stewie's great. 
So's death, and Brian. Brian is just cool
So's death, and Brian. Brian is just coolManjanaia2005-03-06 15:24:38
And the dog. Family Guy rules. Terentia knows, she'll find Her way here
Soll2005-03-06 15:29:51
Brian is the dog. *kick* I am the Family Guy master
Manjanaia2005-03-06 15:31:48
God dammit I got something about Family Guy wrong *faint* It's tiredness dammit! I must go watch it now.
Nayl2005-03-06 18:03:21
Yes, and you shall learn the wonderful powers of Toadlicking from the all-powerful Griffin's.
For the hardcore fans.
"Rocketman"
For the hardcore fans.
"Rocketman"
Terentia2005-03-06 21:29:37
Yes, Family Guy is the best.
Especially when they're in the courtroom and they announce the verdict and everyone goes "Oh no!" "Oh no!" "Oh no!" "Oh no!"
and then the giant Kool-Aid guy jumps through the wall and goes "Oooh yes!"
I am easily amused.
Especially when they're in the courtroom and they announce the verdict and everyone goes "Oh no!" "Oh no!" "Oh no!" "Oh no!"
and then the giant Kool-Aid guy jumps through the wall and goes "Oooh yes!"
I am easily amused.
Ialie2005-03-06 21:50:54
Just want you to know I had this signature before this thread started!
Unknown2005-03-06 23:33:40
From the Simpson's:
When Homer is on the business trip with the foxxxy young new co-worker (with no commas) and the hotel clerk (as they check in) makes a series of sexual noises:
Homer: I'll have you know this bed will only be used for sleeping, eating and possibly making a small fort.
Another one from the same show is then the french bowler want's Marge
Bowler: Marge, I'd like you to come to brunch with me.
Marge: Brunch? What's Brunch?
Bowler: Well, it's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a piece of cantalope at the end.
When Homer is on the business trip with the foxxxy young new co-worker (with no commas) and the hotel clerk (as they check in) makes a series of sexual noises:
Homer: I'll have you know this bed will only be used for sleeping, eating and possibly making a small fort.
Another one from the same show is then the french bowler want's Marge
Bowler: Marge, I'd like you to come to brunch with me.
Marge: Brunch? What's Brunch?
Bowler: Well, it's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a piece of cantalope at the end.
Unknown2005-03-07 00:08:14
Okay, Best Quote Ever (Stewie from Family Guy)
"I say, eminem and 50 cent wouldn't know a proper lyric if it crawled up their asses and brought them to orgasm through prostate stimulation. Here's a grammatical curiosity from 50 cent's wangsta; 'We in the club doin' the same old two-step guerilla unit cause they say we bugged out cause we dont go nowhere without toast'... Well, good luck finding the subject and predicate in that run on sentence. And what the bloody hell does it mean: 'we don't go nowhere without toast'? Now you listen to me, Mr. Cent, if you want to make it in this buisness, LAY OFF THE DOOBIE....... STEWIE FOR GOVERNOR!"
"I say, eminem and 50 cent wouldn't know a proper lyric if it crawled up their asses and brought them to orgasm through prostate stimulation. Here's a grammatical curiosity from 50 cent's wangsta; 'We in the club doin' the same old two-step guerilla unit cause they say we bugged out cause we dont go nowhere without toast'... Well, good luck finding the subject and predicate in that run on sentence. And what the bloody hell does it mean: 'we don't go nowhere without toast'? Now you listen to me, Mr. Cent, if you want to make it in this buisness, LAY OFF THE DOOBIE....... STEWIE FOR GOVERNOR!"
timsae2005-03-07 05:22:50
Homer: Aww, Marge. Its a uterUS, not a uterYou!
Buho2005-03-07 05:31:04
"You idiots..." by Fain in Estarra's mini-movies about the gods. 
Daganev2005-03-07 05:54:58
Narrator: The daily show with Jon Stewart. The most important televison program... ever.
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Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: where more Americans get their news than probably should.
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Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Where more Americans get their news than any other nationality.
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Narrator: More Americans get their news from The Daily Show than any other nationality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We're getting a helicopter... soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: Need a hug? Then call now for free tickets to a taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And good luck with that hug.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Isn't it how if you lick a frog, you start to get crazy thoughts?
Kermit the Frog: If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with.
Jon Stewart: I can't believe it, the frog's running circles around me, this is terrible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Guy with chin-stud and... top-of-nose thing, I think I'll miss you most of all
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: See, I only make fun of people who I know would never come on the show.
Alec Baldwin: That's a long list.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DeCaro: The movie Traffic also stars Benicio Del Toro who, if he were any more unattractive, would be absolutely irresistible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A. Whitney Brown: Hello, I'm A. Whitney Brown. Some day, I hope to be THE Whitney Brown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mo Rocca: I was busy waiting all night for the Columbus Day Bunny to come down my chimney and light fireworks in my pumpkin.
Jon Stewart: ...There's so much wrong with that.
Mo Rocca: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were Jewish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: Well, Jon, the great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."
Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".
Steven Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler loving queer?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harrison Ford: I don't really do action movies.
Jon Stewart: You were Indiana Jones.
Harrison Ford: Yeah, but...
Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan.
Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy.
Jon Stewart: Well, I can assure you it's not.
Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve- not funny."
Jon Stewart: You know Spielberg?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria?
Steven Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?
Jon Stewart: Yes.
Steven Colbert: Then no.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: It's as though there's only two positions you can have - you're either for the war or against the troops.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: One of the highest profile races this evening is for governor in Florida. It's a battle between incumbent Jeb Bush... Of course, we all know he is the brother of Neil Bush, the disgraced financier.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Before we bring democracy to Iraq or even Afghanistan, it might be prudent to bring it to Florida. We don't have to bring regime change to the whole state. We can start in Pensacola and work our way down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski and two other former Tyco executives have been charged with looting their company of hundreds of millions of dollars. If that weren't enough, putting a good deal of that toward private purchases on the company tab, including $36 million worth of homes, two sets of sheets for nearly $6, 000, and a shower curtain valued at $6, 000. I'll tell ya, for that price, it had really better keep small puddles from forming on the bathroom floor... In the most egregious example, Kozlowski spent $2.1 million on a lavish birthday party for his wife, complete with Roman gladiators at the door and an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David that dispensed vodka from its penis. Classy and a perfect accompaniment to the beluga caviar oozing out its ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: While Clinton was partial to Hollywood heavyweights like Stephen Spielberg and Barbra Streisand, Bush has courted his own version of celebrity royalty, like pro golfer Ben Crenshaw and country singer Larry Gatlin. Not at the same time, of course. I mean, you'd just be begging for the place to get trashed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen Colbert: If you're a lesbian, why are you turning me on?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Triumph, you're not allowed to swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What do you mean? It's cable TV, man.
Jon Stewart: No, it's basic cable, you can't swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: You can't swear on cable, what's the
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: point? All right, no no no, I kid, I kid. Cable's great, Jon Stewart, and you're great, and you have a great show... for me to poop on. I mean come on, having a show on cable, it's not like it's real, it's like sniffing your sister's ass.
Jon Stewart: Now look, I happen to like having a show on Comedy Central.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Ooh, Comedy Central, good for you, Comedy Central. I have worms in my stool that have shows on Comedy Central.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: So, you're on Conan O'Brian tonight, am I right?
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Uh, no, I'm actually on Friday, she's very good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
President Bush: The US Military has given Saddam Hussein a message, and tonight a military aircraft will be flying over Iraq, broadcasting that same message to the Iraqi people.
Jon Stewart: That message is: "Heads up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: It should be mentioned that the only other people the US has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam and his two sons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Eerie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha Bee: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
Jon Stewart: Do you know what the distributing process is?
Samantha Bee (uncertainly): Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers.
Jon Stewart: Transformers?
Samantha Bee: You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Apparently at around two o'clock the technicians in the power stations were alerted to a problem in the power grid when the lights went out... up and down the eastern seaboard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: This is what happens when you take away Napster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Helms: July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the *political* prisoners, mind you; *all* the prisoners.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Helms: "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Helms: Oooh look, I'm a Democrat. I'm going to block your nomination. Oooh look, I'm a Republican. I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination. Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: But what does this capture mean for democrats? Short answer: Democrats are screwed. Long answer: THE democrats are COMPLETELY screwed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: On Sunday morning, Americans awoke to images of a man more disheveled... than themselves.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: You've probably heard the news, unless you were in a hole, in which case, you were probably the guy we caught.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samantha Bee: Upon hearing of Sadam's capture, Wesley Clark exclaimed, and I'm quoting here, 'You're (beep)ing me. Please say you're (beep)ing me.' He added 'You'd better be (beep)ing me.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Corddry: Underneath the rotted timbers of the sunken vessel lies conclusive evidence that the USS Republic was piloted... by Adolf Hitler.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen Colbert: In street lingo, are you running to stick it to the man?
Al Sharpton: I don't know what street you got that language...
Stephen Colbert: The urban street. The mean streets.
Al Sharpton: I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them, but I'm not trying to stick it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man?
Al Sharpton: Who's the man?
Stephen Colbert: Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now, stick it to me.
Al Sharpton: uh... I'm not sticking it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man? He's very stickable.
Al Sharpton: I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you, I get thrilled by stopping you... sticking it... st... you're sticking it to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen Colbert: Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me/you should vote for you/me.
Al Sharpton: You're Reverend Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell me...
Al Sharpton: Tell Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: Tell me/you why you/me should vote for me/you.
Al Sharpton: Because you/me are the best candidate, and you oughta know that.
Stephen Colbert: You're gonna have to back that up, because right now, you aren't persuading you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Corddry: But the weather started getting rough. The giant ship was tossed. If it weren't for the bravery of the fearless crew... actually, the Republic was lost.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Corddry: That guy was not likeable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Earlier in the show I intimated that Julia Roberts was a speed junkie. That's not true. In real life, and don't hold this against her, she's a cannibal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: Professor Banzafh, name one way you're not Hitler.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: Do you like things? Then come to a free taping of The Daily Show.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: Ever wonder what 250 identical chairs look like? Then come to a free taping of The Daily Show With John Stewart.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: You were supposed to be here last week, but you had to cancel.
Natalie Portman: That's right. I got food poisoning.
Jon Stewart: Yeah. And you told me before the show that whenever you tell people that, they never ask you 'how are you doing?'.
Natalie Portman: That's right. They always say, "What did you eat?" instead. It's really selfish, you know?
Jon Stewart: Uh-huh, right. Anyway, the reason I brought it up is because you never told me what you ate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Russia held its parliamentary elections last week. The result: it decided to go with a dictatorship.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Corddry: Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean. It's pretty hard to see how Dean can recover from this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Corddry: Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore. And you remember how well that went. Really, *do* you remember? I have no idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Al Gore's endorsement of Howard Dean came as a surprise to nobody, except Gore's former running mate, Joe Lieberman. He found it pretty damn surprising.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' flight at Kitty Hawk. Today, they tried to do a re-creation of that historic flight... and it didn't work. That's like doing a Civil War reenactment and having the South win.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Right now, people are rushing out to get this year's most popular present: a painful injection of dead virus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: DON'T stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
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Jon Stewart: He was probably thinking "I can say some really insane things and still beat John Kerry."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Al Sharpton did have a point, that is, that Howard Dean did not employ a black or Latino worker during his tenure as governor... of *Vermont*, a fact affirmed by Vermont's minority population. I believe his name is Eddie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Corddry: Yes, Jon, Howard Dean did make some big mistakes campaigning for the Iowa Causus, namely, spending too much time in Iowa.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Stewart: President Bush announced that we were landing on Mars today... which means he's given up on Earth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: Saddam Hussein will most likely plead a case of self-defense...
Jon Stewart: Wait a minute, Steven... self-defense? The man killed 400, 000 Kurds.
Steven Colbert: ...who snuck up on him, Jon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: "Weapons of mass destruction-related program activities?" What the (bleep) does that mean? What is that, craft services for the scientists?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: What about the State of the Union? Did you go to the speech?
Senator John McCain: I had no choice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Yes, eight votes would be called a 'landslide' in some of New Hampshire's less populated districts... if it weren't for the *real* landslides that those areas are subject to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Steven, could you describe the attitude of the democratic voters in New Hampshire?
Steven Colbert: Well, Jon, I'd say that they have an attitude of anger.
Jon Stewart: Anger toward President Bush?
Steven Colbert: No Jon; toward me. Me and the other reporters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: As I understand, you gave some testimony too.
Steve Colbert: Well I was subpoenaed, Jon, but I pled the sixth. That threw them for a loop.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: What kind of madman refuses to produce evidence that he doesn't have what he said he didn't? Saddam had to be taken out or who knows what else he might not have done? It's imaginable.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: To be fair to Secretary Rumsfeld, there's nothing the American public loves more than a man who takes a "Hey you kids get off my lawn!" approach to foreign policy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: What's your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?
Stephen Colbert: Well John, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivety, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that roles over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates bloated, pustulent bodies twisting from one obsene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: where more Americans get their news than probably should.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Where more Americans get their news than any other nationality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: More Americans get their news from The Daily Show than any other nationality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We're getting a helicopter... soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcer: Need a hug? Then call now for free tickets to a taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And good luck with that hug.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Isn't it how if you lick a frog, you start to get crazy thoughts?
Kermit the Frog: If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with.
Jon Stewart: I can't believe it, the frog's running circles around me, this is terrible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Guy with chin-stud and... top-of-nose thing, I think I'll miss you most of all
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: See, I only make fun of people who I know would never come on the show.
Alec Baldwin: That's a long list.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank DeCaro: The movie Traffic also stars Benicio Del Toro who, if he were any more unattractive, would be absolutely irresistible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A. Whitney Brown: Hello, I'm A. Whitney Brown. Some day, I hope to be THE Whitney Brown.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mo Rocca: I was busy waiting all night for the Columbus Day Bunny to come down my chimney and light fireworks in my pumpkin.
Jon Stewart: ...There's so much wrong with that.
Mo Rocca: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were Jewish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: Well, Jon, the great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."
Jon Stewart: No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".
Steven Colbert: Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler loving queer?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harrison Ford: I don't really do action movies.
Jon Stewart: You were Indiana Jones.
Harrison Ford: Yeah, but...
Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan.
Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy.
Jon Stewart: Well, I can assure you it's not.
Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve- not funny."
Jon Stewart: You know Spielberg?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Colbert: We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
Jon Stewart: Are we invading Syria?
Steven Colbert: Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?
Jon Stewart: Yes.
Steven Colbert: Then no.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: It's as though there's only two positions you can have - you're either for the war or against the troops.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: One of the highest profile races this evening is for governor in Florida. It's a battle between incumbent Jeb Bush... Of course, we all know he is the brother of Neil Bush, the disgraced financier.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Before we bring democracy to Iraq or even Afghanistan, it might be prudent to bring it to Florida. We don't have to bring regime change to the whole state. We can start in Pensacola and work our way down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski and two other former Tyco executives have been charged with looting their company of hundreds of millions of dollars. If that weren't enough, putting a good deal of that toward private purchases on the company tab, including $36 million worth of homes, two sets of sheets for nearly $6, 000, and a shower curtain valued at $6, 000. I'll tell ya, for that price, it had really better keep small puddles from forming on the bathroom floor... In the most egregious example, Kozlowski spent $2.1 million on a lavish birthday party for his wife, complete with Roman gladiators at the door and an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David that dispensed vodka from its penis. Classy and a perfect accompaniment to the beluga caviar oozing out its ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: While Clinton was partial to Hollywood heavyweights like Stephen Spielberg and Barbra Streisand, Bush has courted his own version of celebrity royalty, like pro golfer Ben Crenshaw and country singer Larry Gatlin. Not at the same time, of course. I mean, you'd just be begging for the place to get trashed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen Colbert: If you're a lesbian, why are you turning me on?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Triumph, you're not allowed to swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: What do you mean? It's cable TV, man.
Jon Stewart: No, it's basic cable, you can't swear.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: You can't swear on cable, what's the
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: point? All right, no no no, I kid, I kid. Cable's great, Jon Stewart, and you're great, and you have a great show... for me to poop on. I mean come on, having a show on cable, it's not like it's real, it's like sniffing your sister's ass.
Jon Stewart: Now look, I happen to like having a show on Comedy Central.
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Ooh, Comedy Central, good for you, Comedy Central. I have worms in my stool that have shows on Comedy Central.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: So, you're on Conan O'Brian tonight, am I right?
Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: Uh, no, I'm actually on Friday, she's very good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
President Bush: The US Military has given Saddam Hussein a message, and tonight a military aircraft will be flying over Iraq, broadcasting that same message to the Iraqi people.
Jon Stewart: That message is: "Heads up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: It should be mentioned that the only other people the US has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam and his two sons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Samantha, could you describe what caused the blackout?
Samantha Bee: Well, Jon, at about two in the afternoon, a power station overloaded at the Lake Eerie Loop. The power grid failed. Jon?
Jon Stewart: Is that all?
Samantha Bee: Pretty much.
Jon Stewart: Do you even know how the power is distributed?
Samantha Bee: Evenly?
Jon Stewart: Do you know what the distributing process is?
Samantha Bee (uncertainly): Well, first they shovel the energy into a big pile... and put it in wheelbarrows... and then they roll it down to the transformers.
Jon Stewart: Transformers?
Samantha Bee: You know, big robots; turn into cars; shoot lasers out their eyes?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: Apparently at around two o'clock the technicians in the power stations were alerted to a problem in the power grid when the lights went out... up and down the eastern seaboard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart: This is what happens when you take away Napster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Helms: July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the *political* prisoners, mind you; *all* the prisoners.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Helms: "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Helms: Oooh look, I'm a Democrat. I'm going to block your nomination. Oooh look, I'm a Republican. I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination. Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies.
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Jon Stewart: Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours.
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Jon Stewart: Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
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Jon Stewart: But what does this capture mean for democrats? Short answer: Democrats are screwed. Long answer: THE democrats are COMPLETELY screwed.
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Jon Stewart: On Sunday morning, Americans awoke to images of a man more disheveled... than themselves.
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Jon Stewart: You've probably heard the news, unless you were in a hole, in which case, you were probably the guy we caught.
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Samantha Bee: Upon hearing of Sadam's capture, Wesley Clark exclaimed, and I'm quoting here, 'You're (beep)ing me. Please say you're (beep)ing me.' He added 'You'd better be (beep)ing me.'
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Rob Corddry: Underneath the rotted timbers of the sunken vessel lies conclusive evidence that the USS Republic was piloted... by Adolf Hitler.
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Stephen Colbert: In street lingo, are you running to stick it to the man?
Al Sharpton: I don't know what street you got that language...
Stephen Colbert: The urban street. The mean streets.
Al Sharpton: I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them, but I'm not trying to stick it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man?
Al Sharpton: Who's the man?
Stephen Colbert: Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now, stick it to me.
Al Sharpton: uh... I'm not sticking it to anyone.
Stephen Colbert: Not even the man? He's very stickable.
Al Sharpton: I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you, I get thrilled by stopping you... sticking it... st... you're sticking it to me.
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Stephen Colbert: Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me/you should vote for you/me.
Al Sharpton: You're Reverend Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell me...
Al Sharpton: Tell Al Sharpton?
Stephen Colbert: Tell me/you why you/me should vote for me/you.
Al Sharpton: Because you/me are the best candidate, and you oughta know that.
Stephen Colbert: You're gonna have to back that up, because right now, you aren't persuading you.
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Rob Corddry: But the weather started getting rough. The giant ship was tossed. If it weren't for the bravery of the fearless crew... actually, the Republic was lost.
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Rob Corddry: That guy was not likeable.
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Jon Stewart: Earlier in the show I intimated that Julia Roberts was a speed junkie. That's not true. In real life, and don't hold this against her, she's a cannibal.
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Steven Colbert: Professor Banzafh, name one way you're not Hitler.
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Announcer: Do you like things? Then come to a free taping of The Daily Show.
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Announcer: Ever wonder what 250 identical chairs look like? Then come to a free taping of The Daily Show With John Stewart.
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Jon Stewart: You were supposed to be here last week, but you had to cancel.
Natalie Portman: That's right. I got food poisoning.
Jon Stewart: Yeah. And you told me before the show that whenever you tell people that, they never ask you 'how are you doing?'.
Natalie Portman: That's right. They always say, "What did you eat?" instead. It's really selfish, you know?
Jon Stewart: Uh-huh, right. Anyway, the reason I brought it up is because you never told me what you ate.
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Jon Stewart: Russia held its parliamentary elections last week. The result: it decided to go with a dictatorship.
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Rob Corddry: Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean. It's pretty hard to see how Dean can recover from this.
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Rob Corddry: Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore. And you remember how well that went. Really, *do* you remember? I have no idea.
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Jon Stewart: Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
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Jon Stewart: Al Gore's endorsement of Howard Dean came as a surprise to nobody, except Gore's former running mate, Joe Lieberman. He found it pretty damn surprising.
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Jon Stewart: Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' flight at Kitty Hawk. Today, they tried to do a re-creation of that historic flight... and it didn't work. That's like doing a Civil War reenactment and having the South win.
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Jon Stewart: Right now, people are rushing out to get this year's most popular present: a painful injection of dead virus.
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Jon Stewart: Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: DON'T stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
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Jon Stewart: He was probably thinking "I can say some really insane things and still beat John Kerry."
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Jon Stewart: Al Sharpton did have a point, that is, that Howard Dean did not employ a black or Latino worker during his tenure as governor... of *Vermont*, a fact affirmed by Vermont's minority population. I believe his name is Eddie.
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Rob Corddry: Yes, Jon, Howard Dean did make some big mistakes campaigning for the Iowa Causus, namely, spending too much time in Iowa.
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John Stewart: President Bush announced that we were landing on Mars today... which means he's given up on Earth.
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Steven Colbert: Saddam Hussein will most likely plead a case of self-defense...
Jon Stewart: Wait a minute, Steven... self-defense? The man killed 400, 000 Kurds.
Steven Colbert: ...who snuck up on him, Jon.
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Jon Stewart: "Weapons of mass destruction-related program activities?" What the (bleep) does that mean? What is that, craft services for the scientists?
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Jon Stewart: What about the State of the Union? Did you go to the speech?
Senator John McCain: I had no choice.
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Jon Stewart: Yes, eight votes would be called a 'landslide' in some of New Hampshire's less populated districts... if it weren't for the *real* landslides that those areas are subject to.
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Jon Stewart: Steven, could you describe the attitude of the democratic voters in New Hampshire?
Steven Colbert: Well, Jon, I'd say that they have an attitude of anger.
Jon Stewart: Anger toward President Bush?
Steven Colbert: No Jon; toward me. Me and the other reporters.
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Jon Stewart: As I understand, you gave some testimony too.
Steve Colbert: Well I was subpoenaed, Jon, but I pled the sixth. That threw them for a loop.
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Steven Colbert: What kind of madman refuses to produce evidence that he doesn't have what he said he didn't? Saddam had to be taken out or who knows what else he might not have done? It's imaginable.
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Steven Colbert: What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"
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Jon Stewart: To be fair to Secretary Rumsfeld, there's nothing the American public loves more than a man who takes a "Hey you kids get off my lawn!" approach to foreign policy.
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Jon Stewart: What's your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?
Stephen Colbert: Well John, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivety, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that roles over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates bloated, pustulent bodies twisting from one obsene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor.
