He followed me as I began to head out of the city. It was the first city that I could not come over, and I began to feel weak. I strode out along the snow, and I stopped to look behind me. The boy had trouble walking on the snow, so I came up behind him and picked him up. My long legs treading out in front of me. I stopped where I first came to glimpse the city and turned. There it stood, with all of it’s inhabitants wicked and still, I put down the child and said to him, “Do not move.”

I unclothed myself and dropped my clothing on the ground. All that covered me was my oil-skin trousers and heat. My body shook with it as I ran back towards the city. The moon came out to watch me, and I assaulted the darkness.

Each footstep sent out a shudder along the ground, each footstep wider than the last. I ran, ran down the path where I first came, the wind fighting against me only to give up in the end. I perpetuated it, and then heard nothing for a moment. Screeching, I jumped out into the air, the world slowing down before me. Now up taking my hands I placed them together and separated them, drawing out light. I took out the bottles and opened them, as they sparkled and twirled about me. The spirits ran, they laughed, they glided to their loved ones and of not. My legs flipping above me, my head was directly above the darkness. My hands were now full of light, balls circling around them. I then screamed, and everyone turned to face me and the sound.

The light was pouring out of every pore of my body, strengthening what was coming next. The spirits then looked up to the stars, and I glanced below me to the moon. It was beautiful, and I was going to give everyone a chance to finally see it. My scream became a shout as I sent light from my hands to kamikaze down into the darkness. After each hit the darkness weakened and broke. It turned about and ran off, trying to get away from all that was near. The Light found each piece and destroyed it, but did not reach the true malice of the people. I then gathered my hands together and waited for the final light to grow.

-Tenebrae Darkamist
Taken from a shortstory i am to publish later, now going through, editing the details, making it from a sixteen year old hand to something else...


*salute*

This is essentially a very good story. You have a good grasp on the English language, and a commendable use of verbage. As the story stands now, it could definately use a bit of work though. Not to seem critical, but I say this from a writer's point of view. Writing is honestly what I do best. One thing that I notice directly off-hand is that you use commas in places where--while certainly acceptable--other words can be placed to liven up the story. For example, "There it stood, with all of it’s inhabitants wicked and still, I put down the child and said to him, 'Do not move.'" This is how I would have worded that sentence:

"There the atrocity stood," this comma in between stood and with is not necessary," with all of it's wicked inhabitants," here I would have exchanged "and still" with "yet still, I put down the child as I said to him, 'Do not move.'" The end result being:

"There the atrocity stood with all of it's wicked inhabitants, yet still, I put down the child as I said to him, 'Do not move.'"

The reasoning being that you don't want to seem redundant by repeating any number of words or characters too often. There were 3 commas with 2 ands in the selection I chose. As a rule of thumb try to only the same conjunction once in a sentence. Also replace multiple commas with dashes and semi-colons, as well as rephrasing the fragment to fit the character used.

I hope that you haven't taken offense to my comments, but I think that you will find my intentions are for the best. Good luck with your work in the literary realm, and if you need any further assistance do not hesistate to contact me. I am always looking to help others.

heh... none taken..

Two things though, this is four paragraphs out of the twenty-three pages, so the segment is not a story in particular...

The second thing is that I am a softist, so some of the words there are also not in the english language if you were to single them out, but more of a feeling, to where it makes sense as you are building upon the sentence as a whole... *shrug* okay.... Thank you though... *salute*

You sound like a school teacher .

Hahahahahaha whats funny is that I'm not. Even funnier is I actually printed this selection off and critiqued it as a whole. On paper with pencil it took exactly 6 pages (3 front and back). I don't know exactly why I did it. Guess I'm just hella bored.

Actually Tenebrae, since this is only a segment, would you mind too terribly to send a copy of the entire story via PM? From the part that I've read I was left with many many questions (since this is a segmented story I won't send you what I've critiqued without looking at it as a whole), and I'm hoping that the rest of it will answer what vexes me. About the softist comment, I'm not sure to what extent you mean this. There are very few words in the English language as it is spoken which are of actual English origin. Besides that I didn't notice any words that weren't real words. Perhaps you could point them out to me?

PS--Just a quick note: my first post was intended to tell you that you need to work a bit on your sentence structuring is all; there is nothing actually completely wrong with the way you wrote it, but rather that it is a bit choppy in places where rephrasing would make the story run as smooth as silk.

Okay.. next time ask for permission to do that please.... I will also post the story here, fully, if you don't mind...


anyways, I post more work at http://damnpens.proboards18.com/
more theological ideas and such...

Ask permission for what?

printing it

Is it copyrighted?

I do so with all of my work...

Is that so? Ah, well let's take a moment to analyze this situation: if it is copyrighted then what is your gripe about? Even if I had wanted to steal your work you could have sued me for all I had for copyright infringement. I don't know how serious your government is about breaking laws, but in America they're pretty vicious in convicting people who are guilty. Besides if I wanted to take it I would done so and not mentioned anything. I wouldn't even posted in this thread. That would just be stupid, and I certainly hope I don't come off as that asinine.

Thought I should add this just so you know: The "fair use" exemption to (U.S.) copyright law was created to allow things such as commentary, parody, news reporting, research and education about copyrighted works without the permission of the author. This means that as a legality I don't have to ask you for any sort of permission to print your story with the intention of critiquing the work. The source of that input can be found here along with other useful bits about copyrighting.

And yet even with that, the reason I asked for you to ask for permission to print it is that I still have htat childish fear of letting go of some things. My writing is of such. And here they allow most things that in america they don't.. *shrug*.. just remember that you are dealing with a sixteen year old with this.

Oh I understand, I'm not that far removed from sixteen myself. But you really shouldn't worry about such things. The only way I could have gotten away with stealing your work would have been if you could not have proved it was your own original work. Which if you can't--such as having a hard copy--I warn you not to state so here, it wouldn't be very prudent.

I always kinda thought... If you don't want other people having unrestricted access to something you wrote, don't put it anywhere on the internet.