I could picture Murphy doing some of these things. I know this is kind of old but I still think it's hilarious.

roflmao i love it.

since my name is mentioned here i will select th things that I can relate to and add a comment


The 213 Things....

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”. (Or a labelled "Harden the F@ck up)

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. (not even if you think they are out of earshot but actually standing behind you



22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”. I seriouslly have a scar to prove this theory

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. *duck*

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.


30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. I have a note on my permenant record for doing similair.....




38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”. our supply sergeant was a large burly bloke with a handlebar moustache

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. No, but its DAMN sexy on the new admin chick on her first night back from basic training after watching her drink more alcohol than most of the guys


54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase. May i hjust say here, I love white phos


57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?” nor is it to bugger off and do it yourself

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. We never had cadences, rather we would get drunk and just blurt crap out

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. Unless its a caracture, then its just plain funny

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things. Especially not my $4000 night vision goggles, they tried to take it out of my pay


87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. ubless you're playing enemy, then you'll get rewarded for it

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
^^^^^ Our corporals on basic training actually did this

93. Nerve gas is not funny. no, but tear gas training, 5 soldiers and 4 masks are

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did. I have no scars to prove this theory, only mental ones

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve. You'd be surpised


119. I cannot arrest children for being rude. No, but you can cock your rifle and place the muzzle to their head and scare the sh1t out of them

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

the above does not apply to the australian military, simply because the majoity of the timeeveryone is either drunk or hungover or planning either

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle. Especially not on the sergeant acting as the referee

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform. I have done this

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts. more than once

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide. unless that magazine is one of the hundres of porn mags thagt can be found in the footlocker of EVERY command post vehicle in the army

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes. i've done this too, but ended up selling them packets for $40 a pack....and a carton of cigareetes is worth $50

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command. this is possibly the funniest thing I have ever been part of




Now for some of my own

1. Shouldn't wear full uniform out nightclubbing on Anzac day (basicaally rememberance day or whatever you yanks have) for the purpose of scoring free drinks and free entry into strip clubs

2. Should not demand that the stripper wear your army dress hat and brass belt...and have photos taken

3. Listing your reason for wanting to be promoted as the desire to 'blow sh1t up'

4. Thou shalt not pass off the initiation ceremony as 'piss easy'

5. Thou shalt not mock the beer funnel at said ceremony, even if you think you can funnel 3 beers at once because someone will always slip in 2 shots of vodka into the funnel

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

While I won't comment on how many things I actually DID do... this one reminds me of one of the best things we did...

We had a female commander, she was a ***** but SERIOUSLY looked like an ex-porn star. One day I was told to set up for a briefing, which involved setting up her laptop(lazy ***** couldn't do it herself). While doing this I found she had left all these pictures of herself on vacation. VERY amusing pictures of her in a bikini, trying(and failing) to look sexy... Apparently you are not allowed to have said pictures on display during a room insepction...

She was later transfered to the 82nd, to be a commander there... apparently it was wrong of my friend and I to send those pictures to everyone at Ft Bragg... oops.

Apparently it was also wrong to play The ballad of Chasey Lane over the speakers during her change of command ceromony... though Chief thought it was funny as hell(after we got off extra duty...).

oh, nice work! I definitley applaud that effort for sure.

Closest i've ever come to electornic pranks was at school (i went to one of those poxy all boys private schools) where we possed the teachers computer with a trojan....which was connected up to the main wall projector.......on open day.....with porn.

Detention was well worth it for sure, even my parents laughed when they got the letter home

You in the army are all crazy. Problem is, I know in Spain they're like that too. They had a goat as official pet with a ridiculous name

what was the name of the goat?

she said a funny name, it was arix of course duh. just messin with ya.

Nice, reminds me of when we were in a brief by the Chief and Company officer and halfway through every comp screen turned to gay porn (not sure how my computer freak friend did that, but it was hilarious)

Done quite a few, or similar things, as well heh.

Edit: Not army, but a lot of the same shenanigans go on in any military unit.