I recently wrote a short poem for someone special to show that I still really care about him no matter what but I need some advice on how I could improve it as Ive never been really good at poetry and another friend suggested that I make it longer. So, if anyone is able coupld you please post your opinions and some help?

Ill-fated but right,
Strong without strife.
Love once strong,
Now seems gone.

Missed now the "I love you,"
With its sister reply "I love you too."

I pray you remain,
Though it wont be the same.
Once a rose if love
Now does a friendship lily live.


If youre able to help thank you in advance.

Actually I really like that. I wouldn't make it any longer personally, I think overly extended poetry becomes a chore to read and people try to be too smart with their words.

It's short and sweet.

It may just be all the pent up emotion I have lately but that poem does make me cry, its very simplistic in comparison to others Ive seen..and Ill never think its very good. Thank you though, it was suggested also for Bardic but I dont know if it fits in because its not Lusternian other than the guy is someone I know from Lusternia. Oh well, its a gift for him regardless.

Beautiful, so far. It's perfect as it is, just like that guy said.

What a lucky man, this guy.

What the poem fully means is both good and bad, he...really liked it. He saw it both here and IG. He's got to be one of the greatest people I know IG and well, I dont need to explain this other than hes a great guy period. The main comment is that its really nice yet really sad.

So, its fine as is and there should be no changes?

Oh I just realized you're dumping him. That's horrid. Poor fella'

Go with what you feel.

Wow, it's beautiful. Gotta feel bad for the poor guy though.

Yep. But every woman's a delilah these days.

I'm not kidding when I say I still care for you Yen.. Youre the greatest guy Ive met in Lusternia. Well, I just cant say how I feel really youre pretty much a white rose on a bush of every single type which equals in my opinion. White roses just rock, so..youre a white rose!

Yen

Im really glad you enjoy it Yen, just really glad that youve been accepting of this and we get to remain close friends my dear Confidential.

If you make any changes to it I will have to hunt you down. Its badarse how it is!! I it!! Though, it is sad yet lovely. Good job

Neither that nor a flower. If you think I am, you obviously have no idea about anything I am. Ive been known to hit others when Im really irritated and well known for having very sharp nails. Even when I dont even use my nails. Pretty much I dont like showing any feelings other than anger and sadness, the fact that Ive actually gone and created shows that Yen has helped thaw my cold exterior and shown the world I do infact -have- feelings instead of just anger and sadness.

No, this is not meant to be an attack on anyone. Im surprisingly in a good mood, Im just often times cruel and cold sounding and I have no excuse to be. Yes, at times I am a complete and utter idiot and will freely admit it. I make mistakes, so does everyone else. My mistakes turned me into a complete and utterly nasty young woman who is often times mistaken for being a bitter -old- woman.

My rants done, thanks Yen for thawing the cold and cruel heart of Diamondais aka Gemma Cabral-Gushue some more. Too bad theres just so much built up that it'll take me several long years to grow out of my paranoias, my trying to push every single person who tries to come close to me away near to every time my paranoias get worked up again, my fears of being alone, my own idiocy and my cruelty. Well, I can at least promise that Im going to damn well try and save you people from furthur rants like this from me.

Sarvasti:
Badarse? Hm..I guess I dont understand at times when people say something like that and get confused into thinking its bad. I guess that means its really good going alone with the rest of your post? Thanks for the good word, I guess its to stay as is.

Badarse=Badass. I just didn't feel like saying Badass. You're welcomeeee!!! Besides, I write poetry I think they suck, but some of 'em don't I guess since I've got this Poetry Society hounding me to do their silly little stuff.

Excellent, excellent! But the rhythm is a little awkward in places. Shuffling around a couple words and adding a "to" or "the" here or there should fix that right up. What it seems to be based around is -O--O, where O is an accented syllable and - is an unaccented syllable. Clearly, it's no fun unless you deviate from that slightly, but it would sound more smooth if more lines were closer to that.

Or just leave it... after all, what you have is the product of pure emotion, and polishing that may just dim the feeling that it was created with. In fact, that's my suggestion. And I don't think it needs to be any longer.