So, in response to this ::




I've decided to make it!

I thought it'd be an interesting idea to have, and it'll help constrain all of those random "Help me with this desc, please?" topics that get started. Unless I'm a horrible, horrible fool and something exactly like this exists already.


Moving on!

Though I'm rather fond of my description, I suppose I'll put it up here for reviews, commentary and suggestions. I'm not necessarily looking to change anything, but I'm open for new ideas and methods of description.

He is a nimble shadowcaster faeling and is rather small for his race, seeming to be about the same size as an average pixie. Shockingly white hair falls from his head down to his shoulders, having the habit of obscuring his features behind snowy bangs. Shadows writhe and swirl about his skin as though they possessed some sort of inner life, while deep ebony pools mark the locations where his eyes should be, combining to form a stark contrast to his wintry locks. Though his figure is hard to discern through the seething darkness about his form, a lithe and well toned body can occasionally be glimpsed from within the gloom. Jutting forth from his back are two atramentous wings, mildly reminiscent of a butterfly, though somehow more brutal and tattered. Seemingly composed of onyx, they cast strange swirls of color amongst themselves as they subtley reflect the light around him.


So, bring on the comments!


Also, on the off-chance that it is indeed a good idea to make this thread, it sure would be neat if it could get pinned --- :: Beg Shiri ::

EDIT: Moved and pinned! If it ends up becoming useless I'll just unpin it again later. ~Shiri~

Atramentous. Nice.

Now.... I can hardly comment, because my description is horrific. I'm lazy. I'll get there some time.

Anyway... yours...

I think you qualify a little too much: "He is a nimble shadowcaster faeling and is rather small for his race, seeming to be about the same size as an average pixie." The 'rather' isn't helping, it's just getting in the way... I'd get rid of it. I'd say the same for the 'seeming', but I know you're going for a shadowy indistinct impression, so that might be what you want. Change 'the same size as an average pixie' to, 'the same size as the average pixie'. Make it definite.

"Shockingly white hair falls from his head down to his shoulders, having the habit of obscuring his features behind snowy bangs."

Shockingly is an adverb, and I'm not quite sure what you're trying to do with it. Do you mean to use it as an adjective, modifying 'white hair', in which case you should use: 'shocking white hair'... or do you mean to use it as an adverb, modifying the main verb, 'falls'. If you intend the latter, then I'd put the adverb closer to the verb: 'White hair falls shockingly from his head down to his shoulders...' Delete 'having the habit of'; it's completely redundant, and it's indefinite. Either it does or it doesn't - when you look at someone for the first time, you can't tell what the hair usually does, just how it is. Instead, write just: "obscuring his features behind snowy bangs."

"Shadows writhe and swirl about his skin as though they possessed some sort of inner life, while deep ebony pools mark the locations where his eyes should be, combining to form a stark contrast to his wintry locks."

Nice. I like the ebony pools, I like the writhing under the skin.

I'm not so sure about "as though they possessed some sort of inner life". It's your skin, and is the inner life not yours? Perhaps: 'shadows writhe and swirl about his skin as though autonomously possessed'? I'm not sure... it's a bit of a mouth full, but it's aiming at concise-ness... Likewise, I'm not sure that the ebony pools need to 'mark the locations'. That seems a little tautological.. why not just 'deep ebony pools mark where his eyes should be'.. and the rest is nice.

"Though his figure is hard to discern through the seething darkness about his form, a lithe and well toned body can occasionally be glimpsed from within the gloom."

It's good... you've got 'his figure' and 'his form' and 'body'. How about taking out 'his form' and substituting just 'him'? Part of the problem with the sentence is it's a little long... your first clause is the subordinate one, your second is the more important. I might condense it a little... 'Though swathed in seething darkness, a lithe and well toned body can occasionally be glimpsed within the gloom'... you lose the 'hard to discern' bit.. and you might not want to.. but I think that's implied anyway.

"Jutting forth from his back are two atramentous wings, mildly reminiscent of a butterfly, though somehow more brutal and tattered. Seemingly composed of onyx, they cast strange swirls of color amongst themselves as they subtley reflect the light around him."

I don't like 'mildly'. For two reasons.. firstly, I think a better choice of word for 'mildly' would be 'slightly' or 'marginally'. Secondly, it's another case of either it is or it isn't. Are these like butterfly wings or aren't they. 'Mildly' is summed up by your qualification: 'more brutal and tattered'. In the second clause, fair enough... You might ask yourself, how do they seem to be composed of onyx.. do they seem brittle or crystalline? Also, I think you could delete 'amongst themselves'... I spell subtly without an 'e', but yours might be an Americanism... and perhaps you should regulate 'the light around him', to better fall in line with the shadows that surround - perhaps.. "as they subtly reflect the sparse light"?

Anyway. I'm procrastinating.. and my own description is a pile of rubbish.. So don't take anything that sounds too critical to heart.. it's already a really good description.

Do me! Do me!

He is an ordinary human and possesses a defined masculine physique wrought from years of training and discipline. His skin is a rich, milky vanilla hue that glistens softly in any faint trace of light. His head is sleek and freshly shaved, drawing attention to his distinct facial features: sparkling azure eyes cast a vigilant stare upon his surroundings; high, defined cheek bones; pointy Elfen-like ears that adjust slightly to any sign of noise; and a boyish smile that speaks of mischief. Bearing a set of arabesque, ritualistic scars on each arm and hand, his otherwise placid appearance is curiously disturbing.

Well, hokay!

He is a feathered Trill and stands with a lanky height and build, the quintessential frame of an acrobat. Silver hair of a muted hue flows down his back in wispy strands, not quite feathers yet strangely alike. Slightly pointed ears remain exposed framing a weathered face that has been nastily scarred upon the right side, following the line of his cheek down to his jaw. Dark green eyes peer out from above his nose which appears to have been broken many a time, forming a slight hook that offers him an ironically avian visage. Most remarkable about his appearance are wings of red and gold, the brilliant plumage creating the illusion of a constant blaze around his form. Barely visible upon his upper arm is a small tattoo, an inscription inked in scrawling lettering beneath it.

Oh, and just for your amusement, here is my old description.

He is a feathered Trill and is about six feet tall. He has long, black hair that flows to about halfway down his back, and is tied at the base of his neck, exposing his pointed ears, the only parts of him that stayed Elfen despite reincarnation. His dark green eyes peer about, set in a perpetual glare. His face has a long scar that starts near his right eye and travels along his jaw line, while his nose appears to have been broken and reset several times. From his back sprouts a pair of shimmering red and gold wings, that shift constantly in a blaze of fiery colour. He has tanned skin, and an acrobat’s build. Just visible on his right arm is a small tattoo in the image of a hamster with the word “Fuzzywumplekins” inscribed below

He is a feathered trill and is 6'1" in height. His most noticeable and beautiful feature, his bright silver wings, radiate with silver moonlight when looked at just right. One of his wings seems to twitch and flutter at odd intervals, but he doesn't seem to notice. The silvery down that covers the top of his head melts into a sprawl of full feathers that reaches down and gently brushes his shoulders. His smooth copper skin, devoid of any hair, covers his toned muscular frame that is neither too bulky nor too thin. His arms and stomach show minor scars and his feet are heavily blistered. His eyes are deep and greener than emeralds.

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I already plan on adding "about" for his height, and I use the word "seems" way too often. Anything else need changing?

I have heard it said that you should never use the words "seems" or "appears to be" it either is or it isn't. Ofcourse some things do and don't, but thats a different matter.

And don't say about 6'1.

Thats like writing.. Approximately, 4.234321 You can say about 6 feet, or approximately 4.

He is an ordinary human and possesses a defined masculine physique. His arms and legs are toned with muscles, visibly flexing with every gesture he makes. His skin is a rich, milky vanilla hue that glistens softly, even in the faintest trace of light. His head is sleek and his face is freshly shaved, drawing attention to his distinct facial features. sparkling azure eyes stare upon his surroundings, shifting and rarely blinking; high, defined cheek bones; pointed Elfen-like ears that adjust slightly to any sign of noise; and an eternal hint of a boyish smile that speaks of mischief. His arms and hands Bear a set of arabesque, ritualistic scars.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

The main changes I made are due to the fact that you seem to force impressions on people... not everyone will find your visage disturbing... to look disturbing, you need to add some more grim features... hard lines to your facial expression or whatnot. Also, muscles exist and are visible... but by just looking, you really can't tell that it's from training per se... likely, but not neccessrily so- and more to it, not really worth mentioning.

Pointed ears... I abhore the word poiny

I made another adjustment to your eyes... a gaze alone cannot express vigilence on it's own... it has to do with your bahavior and posture at that given time. By making your eyes shift and rarely blink, I think I made that impression without resorting to bluntly scream it.

As for that smile... it might be hinted... but no one smiles all the time. Unless you're a lunatic and should make Saw 3 or something.

Anyways, I doubt you'll use this, hehe. But I reckoned, why the hell not?

have fun, maybe you'll grab an idea.

Ooo, it's working!


Thanks Aiakon, for the lovely ideas, I think I'll try and implement those.



And hey, I like Arix's description...

Wait, didn't you have Lady Viravain write that one? :: Peer ::

to make things slightly easier, those who are interested, badger me with a private message and I'll answer in this thread.

Not everyone care for my taste or style... so I'll spare myself the waste of time and spare you the offense.

cheers

Hmmm. Shortly after getting a lovely Krokani description from Lady Viravain, I reincarnted to Shadow Faeling. Here's my current description.

He is a nimble shadowlord faeling and stands at about the height of a twelve year old boy, but his build is athletic and toned, ropy muscles rippling under his pitch-black skin. Prematurely greying hair is pulled back in a tight knot that leaves visible the strong, dignified lines of his face. His brooding, narrow eyes are a dimly luminescent crimson color, calmly confident under ashen brows. He moves with the slow, smooth grace of a predator, each motion natural and assured. Sleek grey wings stretch out behind him like a massive cloak, casting his movements into shadow.

Um, I'm pretty sure adverbs modify not only verbs, but adjectives and other adverbs as well (i.e. shockingly is modifying the adjective, white)...

The first is the one Lady Viravain did, and the second was the one I had made before that

Yes, I think you're probably right... I'm not really too fixated on definitions... and I'm tired, so I'm not going to go back and try to analyse why I didn't like 'shockingly' in such a way that I can defend my comments. Did I think it was ambiguous? I'm not sure... whatever the reason, I stand by the amendment. If you want a different reason... 'shockingly' is a little too forceful a word to use in a description.

Here's mine if anyone wants to take a crack at it.

She is a feathered trill and stands, roughly, at five feet, ten inches. One silvery-blue eye can be seen as the other is hidden by several stray feathers from her cap of jet-black feathers, the feathery down cascading to her waist and is held firmly in a braid down her back with two smaller identical braids framing her face. Black-blue wings spread out from her shoulders and away, towering over her slender figure. Her wings seem to give the effect of ever present shadows dancing around her. From the right corner of her lips a scars runs down to her chin, looking simularly to a branching river. High cheek bones crest her face, giving her a rather noble yet young look. Her black lashes sweep down to give a look of dark cresent moons on her cheeks, concealing her eyes yet even more. Darkened eyebrows arch up above her eyes, adding onto her look of noblity but giving an arrogant feel as well. At first glance, she appears somewhat weak and delicate, however, upon a second and closer look it is evident that she is capable to defend herself. Her skin is pale, almost transparent, and seems to give off an unearthy silvery glow whether or not it is day or night. Her ears peek through the mass of feathers upon her head, and look to be a bit pointed at the ends. Along the sides of her face are glittering violet markings that twist and turn, as if it were live, on her cheeks, temples and forehead. The markings slide down her neck, and disappear into her clothing. Where skin is visible, the markings can be seen. The shape of the markings are spirals that reach out like vines of ivy along her skin.

shorten it somehow?

Here's me, enjoy!

He is a fiendish master viscanti and has pale, waxen skin on his diminutive frame. Sunken eyes of dark purple, the right one dappled with a single vein of amber, stare piercingly ahead in a display of cold contempt, and a pair of elongated, ashen incisors only just reveal themselves against the pursed lips on his angular face. High cheekbones surface rigidly beneath his skin, giving the austere appearance of a haughty noble. In sharp contrast to the pallid flesh, thick locks of silken raven hair curl into tresses reaching to the nape of his neck. Unfurled comfortably behind him, an imposing pair of black wings flutter ineffectively; the long feathers slick with a thick coating of sticky, oily resin.

Well... seeing that I asked people to send me a personal message if they want me to edit their description and no one actualy sent me one...

no one likes me?

Here, have a go at this one from another thread

She is a graceful elfen and she stands as a figure of subtle beauty. she has long silky jet black hair which hides her pointy elfen ears. she has fair skin which emphasizes her soft amber colored eyes. she walks with perfect form and grace. a maiden of silence... She is wearing a silver torc, an alluring scarlet dress, and a bright red cloak.

I like you, Narses... but I think people like showing themselves off in public a little too much to take things behind closed doors. Even with you...



As far as I'm concerned, Daganev's right with regards your height. Don't 'about' it. It's fine as is.

I really like the metallic nature of your description: the silver wings, the copper skin, the silvery down. You possibly use the word silver too much, though. You could use the word 'argent' as a synonym; it means almost exactly the same as silver, and it sounds better. Your wings look lovely, but scrap the 'when looked at just right' bit. I think it involves a little too much action on the part of the person who sees you... Imagine meeting someone new, but as you're making your introductions, he/she begins tilting her head and bending down to examine your wings from the right angle... It's also, perhaps, a little too un-instantaneous... I can't really provide an alternative, because I'm not sure quite how Everiine's wings work. Is it that the light which is reflected off them has a silvery tint to it, or that from a certain angle they seem to radiate moonlight, or that the wings -actually- give off a silvery glow which you can't discern except in the right conditions (i.e darkness?) or if you're up close.

"One of his wings seems to twitch and flutter at odd intervals, but he doesn't seem to notice."

Cut the 'seems'... Hmm... and I'd also condense 'but he doesn't seem to notice' into something smaller, like: "One of his wings twitches and flutters unconciously". That then gives you room to add a little development to the idea. Why does one of his wings twitch? Nervous tension? Stress? Is it the only symptom of worry on an otherwise impassive face? If you change 'but he doesn't seem to notice' into 'unconciously', then you can make the second clause of the sentence a little more interesting, perhaps..

I like the silvery down, melting. That's nice. You might think of a synonym for 'covers' though, because you use it twice, in two adjacent sentences... Also, how about changing: "His smooth copper skin, devoid of any hair, covers his toned muscular frame" to "His smooth copper skin, devoid of any hair, covers a toned muscular frame". I quite like 'that is neither too bulky nor too thin', though I can see that some people might object to it... And I can't think of much to say about the rest, except perhaps a different word for 'minor', it makes it sound a little medical...

Here's my current description. I haven't put much thought into it, so please don't be too harsh.




And I'd like to formally request this be stickied, please?