French Intellectuals to be deployed in Middle East to Convince Fundamentalists of the Non-Existence of God - Doubt, Despair and Existential Anomie: Our Only Hope.

The United Nations revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into strategic trouble zones to destroy the morale of zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade of 'Black Berets' will be parachuted into Afghanistan, Lebanon, Iraq and other combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of sidewalk cafes at strategic points near the front lines.

There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosopher's ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, an intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, said, "The Zealots are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous kind. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."

Marc-Ange plans to deliver a thesis on the futility of existence with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock.

However, humanitarian agencies have condemned the operation as inhumane,pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmen's Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.

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