Pardon if this is wrong to post up here, and or wrong section, but I'd like some input.

Some will say that it isn't an appropriate question to ask to a group like this; but seeing as there are many different types of people here, from varying walks of life and in equally as varying life stages...I think that that will be helpful.

So, the question: How do you handle or cope, when someone you know is likely not to make it out of the hospital?

The brother of one of the girls I work with at a studio was hit by a car today. He was riding his bike down his street, and was just getting ready to turn into his driveway. He's 16, a typical 'band geek' and was just growing into himself. The damage to his brain stem is to a point where the doctors can't do anything about it.

So I was wondering if - though advice only goes so far - but still - words of wisdom on primarily - how best to help the girl I work with, and her family?

I can honestly say that I have never had to deal with a situation like this. When you're at an age where down the road you won't remember - that doesn't count.

Any advice or things anyone can give would be appreciated.

I've never been in a situation like that either. but I would be around with the girl alot and talk with her you know kinda be around in case she wants to talk about it. I can handle going to the hospital myself if I got hurt I'll take care of the people who are worried about me.

I actually believe it depends on the person. Some folks I've encountered are too sentimental with their grief that just helps them for someone to hear them out. Some like me always tend to internalize their grief, but knowing that someone is there to listen helps.

Eh, you know. I'm pretty sure you could've done it yourself and are just asking our personal opinions. But I went ahead and took the liberty of finding something on the web you could perhaps consider helpful:


http://www.caringinfo.org/GrievingALoss/Gr...AreGrieving.htm
http://www.palliative.org/PC/GeneralPublic...gWithGrief.html

I am asking for opinions.

Opinions from real people; studies don't touch emotion in a way that people do. And yes, people do the studies..but statistics and logic don't go well with feelings and grief. So I ask for opinions. They make more sense to me than studies.

If you're wondering what you can do to help her, I think you've made a good start. Even asking for assistance says a lot for your level of concern and desire to support your co-worker and her family.

First and foremost, try to continue to be understanding. She's going to be dealing with unimaginable stress, fear, grief, and anger, and these things will quickly make a near-psychotic wreck out of the most reasonable people. She might have mood swings, miss work or be unable to keep up with her responsibilities, and you have to decide (for your own sanity) just how involved you want to get. Just try to be patient when dealing with her, or her family, and listen to her when she needs an ear.

That, I think, is the most important thing.

Listening is quickly becoming a lost art these days, and it's vital to remember that if she does need someone to just hear her out (and you want to be that person), you're not opening a dialogue. It's too easy to counter everything someone says with an anecdote or personal opinion. Just listen attentively, respond if asked a question directly, and keep the focus on her.

She, I think, needs to try to keep her life as close to normal as possible. Routines and familiar tasks will help keep her grounded, however difficult it might be to maintain them. It's almost certain she'll be overwhelmed from time to time, but with a good support structure (friends, co-workers, and family) she'll be able to make it through.

I've been taught to do two things.

1. Talk to the grievers about positive memories, if you can, talk to the person in the hospital bed about positive memories as well.

2. Talk about normal everyday things. Don't let the tragedy be the sole focus of conversation, but don't talk around it either, as if you are pretending it didn't happen.

3. Externalize the loss. Change something in your surroundings that will remind you of the loss/situation. Preferably something that causes you minor discomfort. (Like not going out to eat)

Just speaking for my own experience, the best thing to do for a grieving person is to let them know you are there for them and with them in their grief.

Having both needed comfort in my times of grief and given comfort during times of grief, generally the kinds of things people say to try to help are not at all helpful.

Amarysse is dead on.

Just a note on this - and in case anyone happens upon this and might find these nice.

There is a wonderful song, and a quote/poem that I had found, and gave to the family (they were also incorporated into the funeral service).

The song is called "Sing me to Heaven"
The poem/quote is:


I just felt like sharing. These have helped the family a bit - and as I've also found, the different communities that they were involved in have helped - just by being so involved. The dragging the family about to see people, and do things, and just keeping them busy without much time to while rest - also to keep them from sitting and dwelling on the sorrow of this, has helped them out. It has kept them in better spirits, and let them see not only what they mean to the community, but what their son did, and let them see the positive aspects of his life rather than the sorrow of his death.

And a nice quote someone had said: "When we look at deaths on tombstones or on funeral pamphlets...we automatically look at the year of birth, and the year of death, and muse and grieve over how ever long or short it may have been to those. We seem to forget that there is a hyphen between them...and it is the hyphen that matters. It is not the year of birth, nor the year of death that matters about that person...it is the hyphen - which is the time spent in between. It is how they spent that hyphen, how they cherished it and lived it - and that is what we should reflect upon. The hyphen is what made that person, not the years on either side."