Seeing as I have still a few days left before I have to actually submit a work, I was sort of hoping for some critisism on what I'm hoping for to become my Bardic submission for this month. So, if you please, I would love some help to see if what I have written is a good work of art or not.

1st:
Moment Fatal.
The shocking quake of soundless darkness.
A mysterious experience the colour of your blood.

Refrain: With light from eternity as the guideline, piercing through the dark and unknown future. Dreams, hopes, fears and memories all come undone in a single instant."

2nd:
Moment fatal.
A dark and frightful happening.
The thread of life severed, as your memories fade into obscurity.

Refrain: With light from eternity as the guideline, piercing through the dark and unknown future. Dreams, hopes, fears and memories all come undone in a single instant.

3rd:
Moment fatal.
The nightmare come alive, as your own life comes to pass.
A sadness of death and the undone that pierce your very soul.

Refrain: With light from eternity as the guideline, piercing through the dark and unknown future. Dreams, hopes, fears and memories all come undone in a single instant.

4th:
Moment fatal.
The final breath drawn, as eternal night wraps around your shell.
Your last ties severed as you leave your life behind.

Bridge: As certain as the sun and moon in the heaven, the fish in the sea, and the birds in the air. As sure as all that lives will one day die, as certainly, even stars will one day dwindle and fade. Certainly, that is what brings beauty to the world.

5th:
Moment fatal.
The undying shortlived spark of life,
immortal in its dreams and memories.

Refrain: With light from eternity as the guideline, piercing through the dark and unknown future. A dream flying free is the beauty of perfection.

6th:
Moment fatal.
To the furthest reaches of time and space,
Eternally the soul wanders the archways of finality.

Refrain: With light from eternity as the guideline, piercing through the dark and unknown future. A dream flying free is the beauty of perfection.

7th:
Moment fatal.
A wave of emotion, churning the dreams of the old with the hopes of the new.
Uncertain yet firm, in belief and spirit.

Refrain: With light from eternity as the guideline, piercing through the dark and unknown future. A dream flying free is the beauty of perfection.

8th:
Moment fatal.
No matter how short our time, no matter when our thread is severed.
Our lives do matter, they make a whole, in the grand tapestry of life.

Refrain: With light from eternity as the guideline, piercing through the dark and unknown future. A dream flying free is the beauty of perfection.

9th:
Moment fatal.
Our time is severed, our destiny fulfilled. Again we return to Fate to gain our new mission, and once again become a part of the whole that is our world. Moment fatal. The time of death.

Thanks in advance.

From someone who is no expert. Just thought it'd be good to ask yourself how this relates to Lusternia.

Well, I tried to make it descriptive of the cutscene when you "pray for salvation" but... I dunno. Not sure if I made it clear enough.

I think that's very creative, but yes, probably not clear enough.

Well, I on the other hand, think it couldn't be any clearer without losing some of its poetic power. Perhaps if you just headlined it so that the reader instantly gets an idea what it might be about? I haven't participated in bardics yet, but I assume they get so many works that even if they didn't get the point by first reading, they wouldn't re-read it.

Very nice piece of work, however! Don't hesitate to submit it for the contast.

When I was in Lit class, my teacher said that a poem's title is the most important part of the poem because it focuses the reader's imagination in the direction the poem is meant to go. Because poems can be so abstact and and all that if it wasn't titled, the same poem could mean something really different to two different people.

It's one of the few things I remember from the lessons on "How to write poetry." That was a few weeks of poor grades in Lit class for me... I've never been able to write poetry.

But, yeah. If you gave it a clear title, I think that would work nicely in making it clearly "Lusternian." I really like it too. I totally think you should submit it.

Hmm... thanks for the advice and constructive feedback. So, I should add a poem to give it more clarity?

Hmm... how about...

"The Path to the Fates. (An Ode to Death and Rebirth)"
"Memoirs of death."
"Memoirs of revival."
Or just the anvillicious "Praying for Salvation"...

I really don't know. Any of them sound any good?



Eh, everyone can write poems. You should've seen some of my first writings.

On second thought, no you shouldn't. They are proven hazardous to intelligence.

Out of those options, I like the first and the fourth, since the object is both to increase the clarity of the subject matter and make it more Lusternish.

Yeah... I agree. I kind of like "Praying for Salvation" the best, but the first one is really nice too.



You wouldn't say that if you'd ever read a 'poem' I've written. Or seen me in the act of trying to write one.

Yeah, simply changing the title to "Praying for Salvation" will double it's goodness.

Hmm, I'm not overly fond of the last title myself but... I'll take your advice. Thanks to all of you for all your help.

I personally like the "Ode to death and rebirth", but that is just my opinion.

I like the last one just to make sure that everyone sees exactly what it is that it's representing!

Let us know how you do!!

Neither this poem, nor what I submitted last month, got anything at all. Conclusion. I fail.