Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts
A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible.
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
things that need to be fixed, and
things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
Hindenberg.
Space Shuttle Challenger.
SPANet™
Hubble space telescope.
Apollo 13.
Titanic.
Ford Pinto.
Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

I love the Dilbert Principle.

The resemblance is astonishing.

Wow, nearly every single word of that is me, its kind of creepy O_O

Oh my god. This had me dying.

Same here.

Ford Pinto.
Corvair.

not only no, but NIL no... those rock my socks

I ain't showered since 2003 and I'll be danged iffin I start now! Also, most of those fit me...

Heh. I had 'A' first. And then mentally checked off more and more while scrolling down.

I built a robot to read this aloud for me...

Sad thing is I am not kidding.. I have an actual robot that random picks threads and reads them allowed... it is part of my research I am conducted to bribe my way into the Navy's Robotics PhD program...

Really funny thing... this is the first thread it picked to read...


EDIT: I hate Sigs... it is hickupping my robots reading... :-p I need to figure out a way to get it to register and skip images with words.

So, the question is, were you irresistable at the age of consent, and do you expect some horny guy to be screwing your corpse half an hour after your death, or longer on a warm day?

I'd also like to add that the Hindenburg wasn't we modest engineer's faults, but that of the americans who refused to provide helium for it on account of rising political tensions with germany. The reason it was so big is because it was designed to use helium which is heavier than hydrogen and thus requires more to lift the same amount of airship.

I don't expect a man to be doing my dead body, but that is because I plan on moving San Fransisco when I am approaching death, figure by the then, there will be no straight men left there. (Yes I know I am being a politically incorrect jack ass, sue me! -hides from ACLU-)

Well I must be the worst Engineer ever because none of those fit me!

That means you are not an engineer yet. (Note: Computer Engineer is not an Engineer damn it... they are just over paid Computer Science majors :-p)

My thought process would go more like this.

The Picture is Crooked!

1. Is it in my house?
Yes: Proceed to 2.
No: Ignore it!

2. Has anyone else noticed?
Yes: Proceed to 3.
No. Ignore it!

3. Will they straighten it?
Yes: Ignore it!
No: Proceed to 4.

4. Can I blame it on the cat/wild sex/alignment of the planets/tremor aftershocks/unstable foundation and procrastinate?
Yes: Ignore it!
No: Tell my strong, manly fiancé that I'd like it moved, that I'm hopeless with tools, and then make sure he hangs it straight in its new location.

Good thing I'm a software engineer

Oh god, that is even less of an Engineer :-p Engineer requirement number one, if when it breaks, people will die or an explosion and or smoking corpse of whatever it was occurs. This requires the ability to break. Software can not break, it just has bad code...

Software Engineers are less of Engineers then Computer Engineers :-p

Pish posh.

Well, I'm walking down the engineer path at the moment, though I can see myself relating to all those things in a couple of years! (though I won't exclude the possibility entirely, I'll probably not be a computer engineer!)