Nementh2004-12-13 05:05:59
... One question, don't take it the wrong way... Why is it that whenever I ask someone about their Wiccan beleifs, then ask someone else... they never say the bloody same thing?
Bricriu2004-12-13 05:50:40
There are several branches to it - just like Christianity, for example, has branches. Perhaps they have the same basic idea, but the fine details are up to that person, really.
Shiri2004-12-13 16:14:38
Yeah, the details are seemingly more liberal in Wicca than in other religions, but even those are good examples. I actually had to explain to someone that there is no difference between Catholic beliefs and Christian beliefs, because Catholics DEFINE Christian. 
Lisaera2004-12-13 18:55:22
In this context Christianity is the hypernym, Catholicism is one form of Christianity, and there are others. Therefore only the things that are the same in ALL forms of Christianity can be considered the beliefs of Christianity, while the other things are the beliefs of Catholic Christianity, Protestant Christianity, etc.
Unknown2004-12-13 19:05:33
Like how all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares. (remember your geometry, kids)
Aris2004-12-13 20:05:55
And that ends the speech on why Organized Religion sucks.
Come back next week for political theory and plotting!
Come back next week for political theory and plotting!
Nementh2004-12-16 01:11:22
Ok, a Catholic is a Christian, but not all Christians are Catholic. Baptist is a very different creature then a Catholic... and a Mormen is a very different creature then a Methodest...
Catholics, and Catholic stemed religions, are unique in that they worship God THROUGH a Priest.
Protestant stemed religions (Baptist, Presybitarian, etc...) worship god directly through prayer and service, hence no confession, and no priests. (A Pastor leads sermons, and helps guide us to God, but he is not the conduit.)
Those are just two basic surface differnces... there are many many many many more.
Catholics, and Catholic stemed religions, are unique in that they worship God THROUGH a Priest.
Protestant stemed religions (Baptist, Presybitarian, etc...) worship god directly through prayer and service, hence no confession, and no priests. (A Pastor leads sermons, and helps guide us to God, but he is not the conduit.)
Those are just two basic surface differnces... there are many many many many more.
Unknown2004-12-16 18:55:35
But, according to some Catholics, Catholicism IS Christianity, due to it being the INITIAL branch of Christianity 
.
.Lisaera2004-12-16 20:05:44
It wasn't. The first branch of Christianity was a small group of devotees known as the Apostles.
Guess what? They hated the Romans.
Guess what? They hated the Romans.
Unknown2004-12-16 20:21:28
This topic is losing its humour, so.....
Why Witches don't eat American kids....
I can post this, cuz I'm American, and it's true. So many little tubbies running around, you just wanna poke em with a stick.
Why Witches don't eat American kids....
I can post this, cuz I'm American, and it's true. So many little tubbies running around, you just wanna poke em with a stick.
Unknown2004-12-21 06:05:21
ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL *craps himself* hahahahaha oh thats hilarious, I'm the Neophyte of course. oh man, i can't stop crying
Ingrid2004-12-21 06:57:44
Top 10 reasons Wiccans don't worship Satan:
10- Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9- Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8- Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7- Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6- Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5- Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4- The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3- Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame (is difficult on the older coven members).
2- Demons smell even worse than brimstone
& The Number One Reason:
1- Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!
Pagan Lightbulb Jokes. Some Wiccan, some not, all funny.
How many Gardnerian Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you - it's a Third-Degree secret.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know - what do the Gardnerians do?
How many Dianic Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(If they actually ask, "How many?" just stare at them - they'll figure it out eventually.)
How many hereditary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Go ask your own grandmother!
How many Asatru does it take to change a light bulb?
Not necessary - the burning church makes plenty of light.
By the way, why don't Asatru do the Great Rite?
Have you ever tried getting the blade of a hunting knife down the neck of a beer bottle?
How many Discordians does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
How many "Frost School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And if you act now, for only $195 you'll receive our "Witches' Light Bulb Changing Secrets Course" with real Magickal knowledge that you can apply to any light bulb anywhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, one to write a ballad about how much better the old bulb was, and three to write satires of the second Druid's ballad.
How many ADF Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Isaac hasn't told us that yet.
How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Druids don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."
The Field Guide to Neopagans
1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and Their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows What a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction. Hasn't the foggiest idea what Paganism is; usually gets out when they find there's no bloodshed.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really-be-way-true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a Pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's Gaelic/old Norse/Latin/Babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits. Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the Pagan him/herself, how many animals can you see when Looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic- imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and Vikingly, these Pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a card reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never saw so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.
23. Discordian Neo-Anarchist
Argumentative. Infuriating. Goes on philosophical tangents for hours, only to lead the discussion into absurdities that make your brain hurt to think about them. Smiles too much. Laughs too much, especially at things that are *NOT* funny. Makes fun of everyone's sacred cows, especially yours. Is iconoclastic to the point of cliche'. Rants and raves about huge conspiracies and secret centuries-old organizations.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Yin/yang pendant with a pentacle and big yellow apple inside. Carries around any books by Douglas Adams or Robert Anton Wilson. Refuses to take themselves - or anyone else - seriously.
10- Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9- Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8- Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7- Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6- Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5- Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4- The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3- Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame (is difficult on the older coven members).
2- Demons smell even worse than brimstone
& The Number One Reason:
1- Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!
Pagan Lightbulb Jokes. Some Wiccan, some not, all funny.
How many Gardnerian Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you - it's a Third-Degree secret.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know - what do the Gardnerians do?
How many Dianic Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(If they actually ask, "How many?" just stare at them - they'll figure it out eventually.)
How many hereditary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Go ask your own grandmother!
How many Asatru does it take to change a light bulb?
Not necessary - the burning church makes plenty of light.
By the way, why don't Asatru do the Great Rite?
Have you ever tried getting the blade of a hunting knife down the neck of a beer bottle?
How many Discordians does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
How many "Frost School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And if you act now, for only $195 you'll receive our "Witches' Light Bulb Changing Secrets Course" with real Magickal knowledge that you can apply to any light bulb anywhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, one to write a ballad about how much better the old bulb was, and three to write satires of the second Druid's ballad.
How many ADF Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Isaac hasn't told us that yet.
How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Druids don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."
The Field Guide to Neopagans
1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and Their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows What a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction. Hasn't the foggiest idea what Paganism is; usually gets out when they find there's no bloodshed.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really-be-way-true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a Pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's Gaelic/old Norse/Latin/Babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits. Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the Pagan him/herself, how many animals can you see when Looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic- imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and Vikingly, these Pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a card reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never saw so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.
23. Discordian Neo-Anarchist
Argumentative. Infuriating. Goes on philosophical tangents for hours, only to lead the discussion into absurdities that make your brain hurt to think about them. Smiles too much. Laughs too much, especially at things that are *NOT* funny. Makes fun of everyone's sacred cows, especially yours. Is iconoclastic to the point of cliche'. Rants and raves about huge conspiracies and secret centuries-old organizations.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Yin/yang pendant with a pentacle and big yellow apple inside. Carries around any books by Douglas Adams or Robert Anton Wilson. Refuses to take themselves - or anyone else - seriously.
Hiriako2004-12-21 21:49:45
Scary part is I know people of most of those archetypes, if not so severe in most cases...it's sad.
Here's a couple more jokes:
How many Gardnerians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves about him.
How may Pagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two, and how did they get in that light bulb anyway?
Here's a couple more jokes:
How many Gardnerians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves about him.
How may Pagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just two, and how did they get in that light bulb anyway?
Akraasiel2004-12-21 23:27:43
Dont make fun of we Discordian Neo-Anarchists...some day we will gang up with the High Episcopagans and the Scary Devil Worshipers to weave a ritual that will starch all of your shirts (Even your casual friday hawaiian shirts) and iron them with creases in the wrong places.
Unknown2004-12-23 08:09:49
I love Discordianism... Hail Eris!
Unknown2004-12-23 08:10:15
QUOTE
How many Discordians does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
Fish.
Fee-nord.
