A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide
The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need some cyanide?"
The lady then explains she needs it to poison her husband
The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw us in jail and all kinds of bad things. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Well now, you didn't tell me you have a prescription!"

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered into see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

A paedophile carrying a shovel and a 6-year old walk into a dark forest at sunset. The 6-year old says "This is kinda creepy!" and the paedophile says "You think this is creepy? I have to walk back alone!"

Take a wild guess who this reminds me of.

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

Q: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?

A: Seven:

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced
(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb,
(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb,
(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs,
(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb,
(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Bill and Hillary are at the Red Sox World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers somethingto Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr.President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team down To the bat boy." Bill hesitates, but begins to change his mind
when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly
baby." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto The field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up &down, cheering,
hooting & hollering, and high- fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and
waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about
that! I would have never believed how much Everyone would enjoy
that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he askswhat is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

I wonder.

Hint: She might ask for credits, first. Or Pilgrims.

.. No.

-snap- Darn! Oh... Wait... Is it... It's not... Naaah.

Wha? Ok, I'm going to hide before I get in trouble.

LOOK AT ME!?

Look at it~ Funniest thing ever.

and no, I didn't..

...AET-RGF''GHFGFKHGFLK;HFDLGJHSFJGKHDLFGJH

That OWNZ.

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter.

He tells them, "You've led such good lives, I'm going to let you go back to earth as anyone you wish, for six months."

The first nun said, "I want to be Madonna!"

Poof, she was gone, off to sing at a concert.

The second nun said, "I'd like to be Venus Williams!"

Poof, she was gone too, off to play tennis.

The third nun said, "I'd like to be Sarah Pipliani, please."

Saint Peter looked at the lady and said, "Sarah Pipliani? There's no such person, my dear. I'm afraid it was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by a thousand men over six months."

I want to be Sarah Pipliani AND the Sahara Pipeline.

Careful, buddy.

Richter will don his gay-bashing equipment again.

the leader of china was expecting a visit from presitent clinton, so he was practicing his english. the chinese leader was also notoriously bad at speaking english, so he only tried to master to say hello, how are you? and then respond with me too after clinton said i'm fine, and he got that down perfect.
so president clinton came to china and the leader of china walked up to him in said hello, who are you? and president clinton responded, i'm hilary clinton's wife, and so the leader of china said "me too"