Like with Lady Viravain's work.... if you have something short like this that isn't just a matter of grammar or spelling, or even sentence flow and such, it'd be best if you went out and said what you were "going for"

-Peer Aiakon-

I like not the implications of that statement

why did this double-post? -mutter-
nevermind, I'll make sure this post has a point

"He is an ordinary human and bears the emblem of New Celest. He is a bit stout around the midsection, his well-tailored clothes fitting tightly over his somewhat sagging belly. His face shows signs of old age, though his movements suggest he still has a sense of youth in him. He is wearing"

For one thing... you don't really say what you want to show in your description... special features and whatnot. But I had to comment about the Emblem.

I am sure he is loyal to New-Celest... but that's taking things a bit far, placing it right there at the begining. Bearing an emblem... I don't know, it almost sounds like you're a property of New Celest rather than someone who is proud of his Empire. Your call really, if you want to post some more details, I'd try and fix you up with something.

Now... might as well post mine and see what -you- think I could and should change

He is a regal aslaran and stands roughly 5'7 foot tall. His frame is lithe and
toned with muscle, his rib-cage slightly showing. Instead of a mane, his whole
body is covered with a short layer of gleaming black fur. Two short and pointed
ears can be seen crowning his head, perking up every now and then as they pick
up sounds. His limbs are long and well toned with muscles which flex with every
movement and gesture he makes. His tail seems to be slightly thicker then
normal and its tip resembles that of a scorpion, its black stinger gleaming with
moisture of the toxins it secretes. Trailing from his head down to the tip of
his tail, a row of short, bony spikes are lined and gleam in the available
light. His face is feline in shape, a short maw tipped with a black, gleaming
nose. His teeth are rather long and sharp, every now and then peeking out of
their confinements. His eyes are clear blue, eerily contradicting the color of
his flesh. They gaze at the world coldly, unyielding to the changes of
lightening. Two narrow black pupils peer out, barely visible at a mere glance.

-bare in mind, he's a Nihilist and he is a reincarnation of a Viscanti-

have at it, let loose the dogs of war!

Because I only the Blacktalon.



Obviously, I am not an expert in creative writing; I would stick with analytic lovelies, if I could. But I was both bored and inspired (if you can believe it) ... so, voila!

As far as suggestions about descriptions are concerned:

• 'Seems', 'rather', 'almost', 'approximately', et cetera ... should all be left to statistics and describing the distribution of data unless absolutely necessary. They add clutter and extra noises and rarely add to the flow and stylistic maturity of a description.
• 'Otherworldly' things should be kept to a choice one or two. We may be playing in a fantasy world, but everyone starts looking the same when they try to look too original. (Huzzah for Rauros' paunchy warrior)
• I, personally, ascribe to the 'less is more' philosophy. This is an impression, not a detailed portrait.

Also, some of you might find this useful: Phrontistery.

Thank you Yeralih!! That's awesome.

Alright...flow your description of the eyes together more. The pupils seem kind of lonely, off in their own sentance. And have more detail on your Taint mutations. That's always fun to see...yeah, that about covers it.

Here's mine just for kicks...


He is a nimble shadowlord faeling and his posture is as stiff and rigid as Rock himself. Hard, sinewy muscles lie beneath his surprisingly lithe, opaque body. Dusky, charcoal-tinged green eyes peer out from over his sharp nose and his straight teeth show whenever he opens his mouth, exposing pale pink gums. Sharp,tough inch-long nails stick out from the tips of his long, graceful fingers. His palms rough and scratched up from his gripping a hilt. Oversized ears crown the sides of his head, pricked upwards towards heaven, always listening. Delicate leathery wings extend from his shoulder blades encompassing his back with their stygian shade.

Shulgin

"He is a nimble shadowlord faeling and his posture radiates a certain rigidness, uncompromising balance. Hard, sinewy muscles lie beneath his lithe, opaque body. Dusky, charcoal-tinged green eyes peer out from over his sharp nose and his straight teeth show whenever he opens his mouth, exposing pale pink gums. Sharp,tough inch-long nails extend from the tips of his long, graceful fingers. His palms are rough and bear scratches in such a manner that hints of hardship. Oversized ears crown the sides of his head, pricked upwards towards the heavens, always listening. Delicate leathery wings extend from his shoulder blades, encompassing his back with their stygian shade."


I changed a thing here, a thing there... Your posture... for one thing... Rock Itself, not rock himself. Regardless, I changed it entirely because I don't think any person is capable of standing stiff -all- the time(if you somehow find this phrase funny, you need to grow up, honestly )... remember, you're interacting, laughting, running... what not. I think that my suggestion is slightly more in-tune with what you wanted to project without assuming a permenant stance.

Ears pricked upwards towards the heavens... not heaven.

I tried to meddle as little as possible with it in order to preserve what you wrote... I don't like enforcing ideas really.

Your call, have fun

Rock Himself being a reference to Old Man Rock, the totem which Shulgin follows. It's a common theme in Stonelord descriptions.

I want one mommy!

Me me!

He is a fierce dracnari and his scales are of an eerie dark green hue. They reflect the available light, emitting a soft glow that ripples about his form. His tail is exceptionally long and shifts restlessly, it constantly extending and flexing. His hairless face is angular and bears deep, harsh lines, always leaving a hint of haughtiness to his expression. His circular eyes are an intense orange in hue which seems to flicker like actual flames while his dilated pupils run vertically through them. Thin, ebony-colored spines of bone stick out of his thighs, they line his spine, around his broad shoulders and around his neck. Although his isn't tall, he is more to the lanky side, having rather thin, deft limbs. Thin tendrils of smoke waft out of his nose, floating up and around in intricate patterns.

Here you go, I made a few alterations to your details... hinting at the desired impression rather than being blunt and shout it. A few minor corrections... all in all, I hope you like it

Silferras... showoff! *cough* admit it... you just wanted people to oo and ahh...

Naturaly, I am kidding. No, your description is very well written and I see nothing wrong with it, on the contrary. As for ideas... you could describe the shape of the wings... you described the texture and hue but not the general shape of the frame...

I'd use eyes rather than gaze... silver-red gaze seems off to me but really, I am not the best of judges, English is not my native tongue.

Perhaps describe your face a bit more? you resort to comparisons... like pixie-like face and Elven ears... just describe them yourself... your call.

Anyways, I like, well done

Maybe replace 'sooty' with 'cinder' or something less...mushy. Sooty just seems awkward.

Other than that, no complaints. Well done.

While I think its great that you're doing this Narses, you should probably have someone who has English as their first language proof your re-writes, as they seem to be littered with grammatical errors.

*cough* Anyway, the 'gaze' was 'eyes' to begin with, but I changed it because the next part of the sentence also had the word 'eyes' in it. That's pretty much the sentence I wanted feedback on, I'll try to fiddle a bit more with it.. and I really have nothing else to say about her face. Thanks for the bit about the shape of the wings, I got so caught up with the rest I forgot it. (!!)

About sooty.. what about sunless? I was trying to go for a bit of alliteration. My gratitude for all the comments!

Anyway, I'll try Archer2's.



Yes, I realize that 'drawing the eye' might be a problematic bit (since there might be people out there who are configured in such a way that they ignore perpetual movement ), so depending on whether you're iffy about that part, you can remove or keep it.

Short n' simple descriptions make the best.


He is a glistening mugwump and is a hearty fellow. Always laughing, always grinning,
Thoros stands five feet and ten inches tall. His bawdiness shows his love of food and
drink, and his brown-red hair is tied neatly in a ponytail that extends down to his lower
back. His face always seems slightly flushed, and he keeps a short beard which is trimmed
neatly.

I hope you're not using that as an example of a 'best' description... because it really isn't. I know you have an ego that could sink the titanic even if it had Narsrim's head as a flotation device, but come on.

1st, you are not always laughing and grinning. I doubt when you're sleeping you're laughing or grinning. I doubt when you're being crucified you're laughing and grinning. I doubt when you're doing most things that you're laughing and grinning.

2nd, do you even know what in the hell 'bawdy' means? It means vulgar or crued. People in general down look bawdy. Unless they're prostitutes or something similar. And if they do, it doesn't have the slightest bit of correlation to their 'love o food and drink'.

I need someone to do me a description for my upcoming change to the mage class.

Murphy is an Aslaran, and if you could have something about his eyes burning with elemental fire that would be nice, also maybe a firey aura or wielding extreme arcane might.

He is a cute aslaran and looks as if he would stand well above the average height of those of his race. He is covered entirely in fluffy pink fur with purple stripes. His brightly coloured fur contrasts greatly with his bright orange eyes that blaze with inner snuggly goodness. By his long muscular form it is easy to tell that this pretty kitty can walk on four legs as well as he can on two. His proud short muzzle has been adorned with a half light pink half black nose and further decorated with long clear whiskers. Small sharp white fangs protrude down over his maw, unable to distract from his cuteness. His large pink paw-like hands and feet are tipped with retractable claws that have all been painted a different colour. One of the most curious thing about this large flaming cat is the bright red heart that appears to have been painted on his belly. Swinging out just above his rear is a long fluffy tail that has an extra poofy puff at the end, for added adorableness.