Oh well, at least I get to see my best friend for once.

ARG new job and think everything is going okay...they dont contact me to come in for a few days but it turns out my boss TRIED to get in contact but couldnt. Stupid damn phone not working properly

GRARGH

My family confuses the crap out of me. My mom is trying to make me this.... social person which I'm not in any sense of the word. Ironic since I'm a cashier for walmart. I don't know why I'm anti-social I just am and wish she would stop. I don't like social things they.... bother me and I'm not sure if she's joking about me getting a korean wife or not. I don't know what to do. social things make me want to go hide .

EDit: gah! writing this made me depressed why why won't it leave me alone?!

So, firstly, a mini rave. My two new nieces, Bella and Christine, are not dead.

They were born at 34 weeks (that's 6 weeks premature) and at 3 ounces each. Bella has tubes down her throat for oxygen, for food, and to keep her diaphragm open. They are both spending time under UV lights and, if I put my hands next to each other with the palms up, that's how big each of them are.

So, logistically speaking, their mother automatically thinks, "I want to breastfeed these babies!" Their mother, of course, who's on heart meds, blood thinners, sleep meds, multiple sclerosis meds, asthma meds, and meds for her stomach, and who has to give herself three shots every day. She goes to me and says, "Hey, I got you a birthday gift, right?" "No." "Graduation gift?" "No." "Oh it. Buy me a breast pump?" I refused to. My stepdad refused to, as well. But because he's willing to pay for her rent and the baby's clothing and for her food and for her boyfriend's food and for possible formula for the babies and for doctors visits and all their bills, he escapes her wrath.

What do I get?

"I hope you die. The babies are never going to know you exist, or I'm going to tell them you were a horrible person."

This coming from the girl who's supposed to be dying within the next few years, who's also been smoking pot and the like.

No, I can't call ACS, because if I do, my stepdad said he'd beat the out of me. But I'm 18, so it's not child abuse if he hits me. Hades, I'll hit him back 2x as hard if he hits me for all the he's put me through, and let her get away with.

So, I offered to buy her a $30 pump. She told me if I cared about her welfare and her children, I'd buy her a pump that costs *at least* $300.

She knows damned well I got my money from my dead not-grandma (may her rich-cheap-racist soul be buried deep underground with the worms) when I turned 18, and ever since she's been trying to convince me to give her it. It's my $60k, she should off, and every time I tell her to, she tells her husband (who she's not with but lives with me and my stepdad) to keep her kids (my niece Samantha and nephew Xavier that live with me and my stepdad, too) to keep away from me.

Top this off with the fact that my stepdad hasn't been about since Sunday and the money that was left to buy food with my bro-in-law took to go out clubbing and buying prostitutes and left his kids at his mom's house and didn't come home at all, and the fact that I can't use the money in the bank because I don't know my own number-thing for it and I can't ask my stepdad for it because he's in some sort of work-retreat where if I call the phone goes straight to voice mail, and I was really in a bad situation. I was surviving on Cocoa Pebbles, Doritos, Iced Tea, Bread, and Butter. And occasionally ketchup.

My bro-in-law also left the house for me to clean. Again. So I cleaned the house. Again.

And there is an infestation of roaches in his shower (I found them after cleaning some stuff out of his shower) and I literally threw up when I saw all the roaches and the pregnant ones and the larvae and the eggs and blech.

I asked my stepdad how much he'd tolerate if I got pregnant.

He turned to me and said, "Unless you're a ing idiot, you're not going to get pregnant."

I asked what if I got pregnant anyway. He told me I'd get no support since I have no problems of so to speak.

Which is highly questionable. The last few days that I had been home alone (he came home 06/27/08) I've been hearing my mother's voice. In my head. For anyone, this is bad. But she's dead, so it's worse. I mean, I was getting some very reassuring things being said to me like, "Everything's going to be okay." "I love you." "I'm sorry for dying." "Please don't hate me for being dead." "I'm always with you."

But it scared the out of me because, even though I'm Pagan and believe in reincarnation and the afterlife(s), I was really convinced that she was just gone. I was convinced that when she died she left my family and me behind, way back when I was seven, and then there I was, hearing her talk to me.

Side tracking a little. Found a mouse in my house too. I'm feeling very lucky.

The reason why the pregnancy thing bugged me so much is because it's my dream to be a mother, and I'm (supposed to be) getting pregnant within the next year.

Finally, also on 06/27/08, I skipped my own graduation. Why? Because I didn't want to go, for one. Secondly, when my fiance and stepdad knocked on my door to ask if I was okay for taking so long, I was shaking and crying on the floor curled up into a little ball.

I've also been having about 2-4 hours sleep every night for almost a week now.

And my stomach ulcer has been acting up.

I'm tired, scared, lonely, frustrated, ready to pull out my hair...

Oh... but I guess I have some raves.


Rave: Saw Wall-E (stepdad's treat for being the second kid out of 14 to graduate highschool) and loved it.

Rave: My fiance was very understanding when I was upset for a negative pregnancy test.


Back to the ranting. I had him spend money for a pregnancy test, only to get my period a few hours after using it. I got upset to the point of crying, and he held me, and told me I was silly for thinking I'd get pregnant while on BCPs (birth control pills). I ended up yelling at him and knocking him onto the ground... and I told him to keep away from me... I think I bit him, too...

Rave: He got up and held me anyway and told me that someday soon he'd be ready to make me a mother and for us to share a family together.

...

I'm tired.

/endrant

Ouch. Now I understand why I haven't seen you about. (AIM is bugging me.)

Dunno what I can say, really. :/ I really hope things start turning around for you. Unsure if and how I could help aside from advice, but let me know, ja?

@myrkr that make's me sad just reading that. Who knows things may turn around for you. I hope they do.

Aww, Myrkr...

@ Myrkr:

You seem to have a hard life. I don't know what to say, and I wish I did. All I can offer you is this advice, and hope it helps.

Number one, people will always try to use you, if you have that money. I hate to say it, but people are greedy, and if/when they get what they want, they will toss you away like so much trash. Sad, but it happens. Family is family, but live your own life, don't let them use you.

Number two, being pregnant isn't all fun and games, though I am sure you know that. My thoughts are that you want this child to either fill a void in your life, either because of thoughts that someone doesn't love you, or to replace your mother, who was taken from you. Children are great, but make sure you have a stable place to have that child, because he or she doesn't deserve to come into this world and not have happy home.

Number three, your boyfriend/fiancee/significant other seems to have his head on straight,which is rare in this day and age. Even though you push him away in your rage and sadness, he seems to patiently comfort you, which is how a real man treats the woman that he loves and cherishes.


Anyway, through all this, you will become stronger, and make sure that your child(ren) do not have to come up the way you did.

If anyone knows me well they know the past week or so I've been working a lot, which has put me on edge and made me nasty to deal with because all of the days have been fairly busy due to it just being those days that are busy and due to the Canada Day holiday. Now finally, I get a few days off. Canada Day is mandatory, but then I get wednesday to saturday afternoon because I worked four days of the busiest store days plus inventory.

But do they let me have a day off? No. Someone fell and hurt themselves, but they can't call in a replacement cashier or the one grocery guy who knows Deli. They call in me, like always, and I can't say no because every shift they ask for is the evening shift when it's busiest and when they know I wont be doing anything.

At least I got to tell my manager to not call me on friday, the only day I finally get to go out with someone.

And yes, this is rather petty and minor to rant about but I'm rather pissed because I was told I was "not going to have more than one shift a week" after already cutting my shifts because of hiring a new guy. Maybe instead they should've just said "Hey Gemma, we're rather determined to ensure you have no nights to enjoy yourself and every day you want off we're going to ensure you work." Well, that wouldn't have surprised me since they've actually called me in for shifts on days I had booked off months ago. Too bad I get sick too easily with colds and chest infections.

Glad there's only five weeks left excluding my vacation time.

Work is going to be fun tonight. I have a huge knot behind my right ribs it doesn't hurt yet but that could change at any moment. I hope no customers put heavy stuff on the belt at my register. Like that will happen.

my rant...is about old people buying computers
especially old people related to me, since they think I'm a pc guru that means *I* have to teach them everything and *I* have to fix it when they screw it up.

Mom: another ? my firefox isnt open so how do i have im open?
Me: uhm...IM is a different program?
Mom: i am talking to u from the desktop!

If you give me the info I'LL call, then you're not involved at all in it.
And personally, I would not want to bring a baby into the world around those people. I would wait till you had your own place far far away.
I'm sorry you are going through all this, you deserve a lot better then that . My sister pulls the same crap, but she's not as serious. She just hates me for a day if I don't do something she wants, cause you know, letting her move in with me and feeding her and cleaning up after her lazy isen't enough >.<

Internet messing me up when in the same room with four quinotaurs. No fun.

I feel like . My stomach hurts like I couldn't even play lusternia today.

My hard drive blowing up.

Goodbye my lovely music.

my notebook is oddly hot today and memory is 100% being used... even though I can not seem to find the PID for whatever is eating it. I wonder why 52% of memory is being used as cache on a 2GB machine.

My laptop and its power cord are having frequent spats. This is, given, probably because I'm liable to leave them on for thirty-six hours or more at a stretch. But it's really not helping my mood.

One of my teachers - you know, the kind who you bond with beyond just learning things from them without going to the ridiculous lengths of the movies, the good ones that you cherish? - she just died of cancer. We saw it coming. She missed big chunks of the last two school years because of relapses. This last time, I spent my precious morning hours going in and running review sessions for her, running on scones and coffee. And now she's dead.

I went to the wake. I went to the funeral. The funeral was more meaningful, but seeing as she was Ukrainian Orthodox and the vast bulk of the service was in fact in ukrainian, I feel I missed some of it. Everyone held a candle, which burned down over the course of the ceremony. There was a little thing, like a shrunken baker's square tin, that had a hole in the middle you slid up around the candle to match the wax. I didn't want to blow out the candle, and the hot wax dripped through onto my hand. I'd feel more ridiculous except that another one of my teachers who sat next to me did the same thing. Saying 'that went well' when it happened to me and when it happened to him was probably the most I said the whole time.

And, oh, right. Now my dog's dying of cancer too. She can't really take stairs anymore, and it takes her about a minute to lie down.

Furthermore, I need to break up with my girlfriend. This is problematic because I don't really have time to see her, which is part of the reason I need to break up with her, and I don't want to be the ass who dumps her over the phone. So instead there's this long, awkward silence as I avoid her. I actually brought myself to just call her and leave a message one night - being the dork that I am, I actually wrote it out so I couldn't it up. But one of the ways we're alike is that we're both night owls, so she answered her phone at 3:30 AM. And I blinked and hung up. And this isn't going well.

And I'm feeling a resurgence of a huge crush I had on another girl I know, which is making me feel even more the ass, because I don't want this to be about other girls, and actually spent like a fucking week living under a rock trying to make sure it wasn't. And said girl is in Europe on a tour or something, and I think she's with a guy who is or has a good chance to soon be her boyfriend.

Every time I put in time to work on something recently it seems to fall apart, which is definitely not making me cheerful, either.

And I have lots more work to do. Summer's half-over, which is depressing enough on its own, and I still have too much to do.

Veyda.

Earwigs. In my bed. I'm lucky I fell asleep last night.

Rant:I got my kicked by a 2 year old.

Rant:I broke both my arms n about 2 months

Rave:went and saw hancock on opening night was amazing

@diamondais
ewwww that is really gross i feel sorry for you

Not playing Lusternia and then getting scolded over AIM for having not played Lusternia. Why? Because someone sent me something the second or third day I left, and they need it for their guild, and apparently that org. is "going to the dumps".

Also being informed that my character might be branded for stealing the stuff for the guild because I'm not online.

I'm sorry. What part of stressful life don't you understand?

What part of, "I don't want any stress from Lusternia right now so I'm keeping off it to deal with RL stress" don't people understand?

Why should game-stress follow me to RL at all? Especially when I'm taking a break from the game to breathe and give my ulcer a rest?

Why should that person care that much to say it to me in IM? Is it a crime to want to relax a little amidst all the stress?

If I do end up enemied to that guild, I will be very, very pissed off, because all I'm doing is relaxing, and if they didn't see me around for a few days, they should get the hint.

Also, I don't like being pressured back into Lusternia for something of such/no RL importance.

Opinions on what I should do will be taken, gratefully so.