There were two men camping out somewhere in Australia, one night a snake bite the dick of the first one and he began to panic, the second brought out his cellphone and called the doctor.

"Doc! I need help, my friend is bitten by a snake, what do I do?!?"

"Simple! Suck the poison out of it!"

Then he drop his cellphone, the first one then said with a meek voice, "What's going to happen, will I live?"

Then the second one said, "No, you're going to die!"

Oh, there is much worse stuff floating around my head, don't you worry.

Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street when one says to the other, "Hey, I've lost my electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm pozitive!"

What's pink, silver, and can't turn around in a hallway?

A baby with a javelin through it's throat!

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?



Staple his other hand to the floor.

I don't get these baby jokes.

pshhht, they're hilarious!


Things made to tickle the more sadistic, evil clown, murphy-side of our brains.


There are some really horrid ones, those don't even scratch the surface, but I don't want my account banned

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I am a congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but it takes five sessions.

Whats green and has two wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels

Whats big green furry and four legged and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you silly racist.

Whats even grosser than that?
He brought a friend.
And what's the grossest part of it?
We survived.


Well, since we're going into Brazilian jokes. What do you call twenty Argentinians in a bus that's dropping off a cliff?

A waste. You can fit at least forty people in a bus.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law.

I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law.

Inertia makes the world go round.

Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.

Power corrupts, but we need electricity.

Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)

There's no future in time travel.

"You're a proton" "Hey! that's a serious charge!"

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
Change a light bulb? What's wrong with the dark?

How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.

How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

How many high-energy experimentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two hundred. 136 to smash it to subatomic fragments and 64 to analyze them.

How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Whatever the temperature of hell, I can prove that it is isothermal. We must begin by assuming that there is at least one physicist in hell. Most of us can think of a particular example. Now assume that some portion of hell is out of equilibrium, a bit hotter or colder than the rest. If so, then that physicist would build a heat engine and extract some energy, and use that energy to run a refrigerator. He would cool some other part of hell down until it was comfortable. But it is contrary to the definition of hell that any part of it should be comfortable. QED.

A retiring Physical Chemistry professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humour, he set a single question on the sheet: Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof. He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions.

One, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase exponentially until all Hell breaks loose.

Conversely, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over, condition two.

We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and Hell is exothermic.

---

Test Answers You Hope You Never See.

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not stable in free state.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet like Earth, only it is even deader.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five-a, e, i, o, and u.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.

To prevent contraception: Wear a condominium.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

heres a few for you

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
---------------------------------------
Q:What's worse then 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
A: One dead baby nailed to 10 trees

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

What is the moon?
A dead quesador.
(you must know spanish to get that EDIT: and what a quesar is in english.)

I can prove to you that light is not catholic; electrons have no mass.

Congratulations. You killed the thread. -.-

Argh, sorry.

I think I do that to allot of threads...It's not on purpose

you can still save it! Think of some crazy babyjoke (Which I never even heard before I read this thread. -.-)
Like...

What's round, white and small? A baby without head and limbs. Ahahahahah...hahah...hah.....

The true definition of eternity: Four blonds in four cars at a four way stop.

And...God, forgive me...

If it hasn't been said yet:

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Hmmm...

Yeah, saw that. Okay, new one:

Wait, just forgot it. Bloody hell

...

Oh, right! No offense to any religions...

How many Protestants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they live in eternal darkness.