"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

what a way to find out he's cheating

The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael , He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

WARNING! - WARNING!:

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

I'm surprised no one has said this one:

A first grade teacher sends her students home one day with a homework assignment to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral.

The next day, each student comes back with a different story. One's parent was a chicken farmer, and said not to count your chickens before they hatch. Another was a merchant, who said not to put all your eggs in one basket.

The teacher then came to the next child. "What story did your parents tell you?"

"My parents told me about my Aunt Suzy. She was in the military and flying over enemy territory when her helicopter was shot down. She parachuted out, holding only a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the bottle of whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then, when she landed, there were 100 enemy soldiers surrounding her. She killed the first 50 with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. She killed the next 30 with the machete until it broke. Then, she killed the last 20 with her bare hands!"

"I see," says the teacher, taken aback. "And what was the moral of this story?"

"Don't be around Aunt Suzy when she's been drinking!"

I read this at a JimmyJohns, and thought it was pretty funny.

Hehehe, noone's posted this one yet? It's brilliant. Credit goes to KOL, or wherever they got it from:

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants! The bartender says, 'Hey, what's up with that thing? Doesn't it bother you?' And the pirate says, 'Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts!'

Classic!

So, many years ago my wife and I were talking and she told me I shouldn't buy beer anymore, that I do it far too often, it is a waste of money, and there is always beer bottles around.

So I said to her "You buy make-up all the time. It is a waste of money, and there is always make-up containers cluttering every counter space."

"Well." she replied, "I buy make-up so that you think I look pretty."

My response, "I buy beer for the same reason."




Did I mention we are no longer married?

Q: What's the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?
A: One is a huge place where big bloody carnivores show no mercy. The other is a movie.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
A: One's pale and scares kids during the night, and the other's a spook.

*prays yo momma jokes are permissable* Not that these are pointed at anyone here...

Yo momma so fat she fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water!

Yo momma so stupid that I ask her to buy me a colour TV, she asks "what colour?"

Yo momma so hairy she looks like she got Jimi Hendrix in a headlock.

*points at signiture* it's the best yo momma joke I've ever heard.

Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony
lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal,
Mama can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long
been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate
than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just
roommates."

About a week later, Maria cames to Anthony saying, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."

So he sends his Mom an email: "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma. "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that
you 'do' sleep with Maria, and not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma"
MORAL: Never lie to your Momma

----

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "on average how much is everyone giving, ?"

"About a gallon."

... Literally

EDIT: Posting problems, see the next one.

There was a contest about who has the longest dick in the country, a guy carrying a 20 ft (yeah, 20 ft) long dick wanted to join in so he sign up. The contest will be held in a country side so he left the day before the contest.

On his arrival, the contest has already started, however he has no clue where it is! So he asked the nearest farmer harvesting coconuts with a very long stick.

"Excuse, do you know where the contest is being held here?" He asked the farmer

"You want to join the contest son?" Replied the farmer

"Well yeah, I got a 20 ft long monster with me ready to be released"

"Well," said the farmer, "if I were you, give up already, you ain't gonna have a chance, I joined in last time, I didn't win"

"Oh?" said the man with a disappointing look, "Guess I should be going then"

So he turn around and head for the nearest bus stop... however he asked the farmer one last question.

"Hey farmer, how long is yours?"

"Well..." said the farmer with a soft smile, "You see this stick I'm using now to pick out some coconuts? It isn't a stick"

The man left the place with the look of surprise and shock. The farmer, laughing his heart out at the man's reaction.

Not the funniest I've heard but amusing eitherway..

3 Wishes

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And whats your wish, genie?” the husband said.

"Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? Thats amazing."

**WARNING beforehand, some of these jokes are REALLY distorted... If you have a Murphy-quality side of your mind, you may pass. I hope I don't get banned for this...**

Two blondes are crossing the street.
One gets hit by a car and the other is stupid.

There was once a man with a 50-centimeter-long dick (20-ish inches). He was very unsatisfied with it, because women were generally repelled by such a long willy.
So, after countless doctors had told him that he'll just have to live with it, he went to see a witch.
The witch tells him of a magical frog living deep in the forest.
"Ask the frog to marry you", the witch said, "and every time she declines, your man thingy will become 10 inches shorter."
The man listened to the witch, happy that he will finally be able to live a normal life, and ventured out into the woods.
When he found the frog, he remembered the witch's instructions, and asked: "Will you marry me?"
The frog, in a bored voice, replied: "No."
The man felt his dick shrinking by 10 centimeters. He went and asked again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog, now a bit agitated, answered again: "No!"
The man felt his dick shrink by 10 centimeters again. Thinking that 20 centimeters would be quite the well-endowed length, he decided to ask the frog once again: "Will you marry me?"
The frog now jumped up, glaring angrily at the man, and screamed: "NO, NO, and for the last time, NO!!!"

A mom comes home to find her son weeping.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
Through tears, the son gargles: "Grandpa hanged himself up in the attic..."
The mother gasps in horror.
Suddenly, the son skips up with a smile, shouting: "April Fools...!!"
The mother lets out a relieved sigh, but the son continues: "He did it in the basement."

Old hags kept approaching me at weddings, whispering conspiratorially: "You're next."
... They stopped when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A blind girl waits to cross the street.
She listens...
Silence...
She crosses.
Blood, puddles of blood...
Impeccably quiet... The new Audi A8.

Son: "Mommy, mommy, everyone keeps calling me a son of a bitch!"
Mom: "Woof, woofwoof?"

A sadist, masochist, serial killer, necrophile, zoophile and pyromaniac are sitting on a bench, boring themselves to death. Suddenly, the zoophile stands up and says:
"Let's catch a cat!"
The sadist adds:
"Let's catch a cat, and then torture it!"
Serial killer:
"Let's catch a cat, torture it and then kill it!"
Necrophile:
"Let's catch a cat, torture it, kill it and then f**k it!"
Pyromaniac:
"Let's catch a cat, torture it, kill it, f**k it and then burn it!"
Everyone looks at the masochist, expecting a comment...
The masochist stands up, looks at them all, and then humbly says:
"Meooow..."

A girl is deaf, mute and blind, missing one hand and one leg. What is she doing?
Stuttering.

At 33,000 feet height, a pilot comes into the passenger's area carrying a parachute on his back.
"Dear passengers, the plane has caught fire, but don't you worry. I'm on my way to get the firefighters."

The doctor tells the patient:
"I have two pieces of news, the bad and the worse."
"Tell me the bad first."
"According to the lab test results, you have only 24 more hours left to live."
"And what's worse?"
"I have been trying to reach you on your phone since yesterday..."

On the Titanic, the captain comes to the passenger's lounge, and announces:
"People, I have some bad and some good news. Which do you want to hear first?"
One of the passengers replies carefulls:
"The bad."
"We hit an iceberg, the ship was flooded with water, it broke in half, we're sinking at a great speed and we'll all probably be dead in half an hour."
Everyone starts to panick, running around, but that one passenger still remains still.
"And the good news?"
"We won 11 Oscars!", the captains announces proudly.

Patient:
"Is this drug dangerous?"
Doctor:
"We've never had any complaints from the users, God rest their souls."

What do you do if you run into a baby on the highway?
Turn on the wipers.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, if you take a really good swing.

What is this: when you throw it upwards, it's very interesting, and when it comes down, it meows?
... It doesn't matter, as long as it hits the cat.

What is this: little, red, slimy and climbing up a woman's leg?
A nostalgic abortion.

What is this: short, white, plastic and dangerous to children?
Michael Jackson.

A man is walking through a forest and finds a terrifying sight: A woman lying dead with two holes on her neck, a man, also dead, with a knife in his chest, a boy, also dead, hanged by his eye on a branch, and a little girl crying loudly. The passing man asks the girl what happened, and she replies:
"Mommy was bitten by a snake, daddy tried to kill it but tripped and fell on a knife, and bro caught his eye on the branch when he tried to run for help."
After hearing her out, the man starts unzipping his pants, saying:
"Kid, today's really not your day..."

What is this: small, red and screaming its lungs out?
A baby sucking on a razorblade.

A mob gang catches a man, takes him to their HQ, gives him a dice to roll and tells him that, if he gets from 1 to 5, they'll kill him.
"And if I get 6?" the man asks.
"You roll again."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"You know, he really tastes funny..."

There was once a prince who was turned into a frog by an evil witch. She told him that he would remain a frog until a beautiful maiden kissed him. After 500 years, the prince got tired of waiting, and he goes to see a fortune teller and asks:
"Tell me, what is my destiny?"
"You shall meet a beautiful girl who will want to know everything about you."
"That's great! And when is this going to happen?"
"Soon."
"And where?"
"Biology class."

What's the name of a game for the entire family?
Incest.

A pedophile meets a necrophile and says proudly:
"Yesterday, I f**ked a 4-year-old girl!"
And the necrophile responds:
"Ewwwww, you sicko, that walks!!"

A brother and sister are sitting in a room alone, bored, and the brother suddenly says to the sister:
"Hey, sis, why don't you and I do it?"
"You dirty f**k, are you insane, I'm your sister!!"
"I know, you are, but what can I do, I'm horny! Come on, just this once, no one will know. You'll do it if you love me..."
"Aww, of course I love you, you're my brother. Okay, let's do it."
When they're finished, the brother says:
"You suck and f**k so well, you're ten times better than mom!"
And the sister replies:
"I know, dad told me that ages ago."

How many babies does it take to cover a roof?
One, if you cut it into thin pieces.

What's humor?
Seven babies in a trash can.
What's sick humor?
One baby in seven trash cans.

Why can't a nun turn around in a hallway?
It has a spear stabbed through her eye.

What is this: short, yellow, and in the grass?
A Chinese looking for a landmine.

What is this: short, yellow, and in the air?
A Chinese found a landmine.

Jesus is walking through a desert and he runs into a blind man. He asks:
"Hey, blind man, what are you doing here?"
"I'm looking for my son all over the world."
"Tell me how your son looks."
"Well, he has nails stuck through both his hands. And through both his feet."
And Jesus shouted: "Father!!"
And the man replied: "Pinocchio, my son!!"

And now, some acronyms (I know... this post is going to kill the topic...):

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31.


Software Development Cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

-This text was checked by a spellchecker who never makes mistaks.-

A few acronyms:

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
MIPS = Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS = Defunct Operating System
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP = Plug and Pray
APPLE = Arrogance Produced Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash - If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA = American Association Against Acronym Abuse
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW = What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well



... Yes, I know... I killed this topic...

Q: Why don't the Cubs have a website?
A: Because they can't put three W's together.

Uhh... what was it? I missed it since I was sorta not here.


And right as my dad (a physics major in college) walks by (He approves, btw, which is highly unusual for him, so major high-fives to you)