Onboard a plane

"Greetings, this is your captain speaking. We are currently flying over the Atlantic Ocean."
"If you would look out of the left window, you will notice that the wing is on fire"
"If you look out of the right window, you will notice that the engine has fallen off"
"And if you look down at the ocean, you will notice a lifeboat with 4 people waving at you. That's me, the co-pilot, and 2 air stewardess."
"This is a recorded message. I repeat, this is a recorded message."

What does an alcoholic say after he drinks 30 beers, 2 vodkas, 3 whiskys and 4 coniaks?
Nothing.

The programmer comes to a gas station and asks for fuel.
The salesperson asks him:
"Want a 95 or 98?"
And the programmer responds:
"You don't have an XP?"

The son asks his programmer father:
"Dad, tell me, how was I born?"
"Alright son", answers the father, "I knew this day would come. Here's the story. Daddy and mommy made a copy/paste on one chat on I-Seek-You. Daddy then sent mommy an e-mail inviting her to a meeting in the bathroom of an internet caffe. Then mommy made some downloads with daddy's memory stick. When daddy was ready to upload, we noticed we didn't put up a firewall. Since it was too late to use the Delete button, 9 months later we got a screwed up virus."

How many Microsoft technical support assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to ask you "What's the lightbulb's serial number?", one to ask "Did you try restarting it?", one to ask "Did you try reinstalling it?" and one to tell you "It's probably the hardware since the lightbulb in my office works perfectly fine."

A salesman walked up to a house and knocked on the door.

The door opened, and there was Little Johnny, smoking a cigar and holding a bottle of vodka.

"Er...Are you parents home, little boy?" he asks. Little Johnny blew smoke right into his face.

"What the fuck do you think?"

------

Three best friends are walking down the street. John, Joe, and Bob.

They're natural sinners, and care more for their addictions more than anything else. John is addicted to drugs. Joe to money. And Bob to sex.

Well, they're walking down the street, and WHAM. A bus comes by and kills them all. Well, since they were complete sinners, they get sent to hell.

Satan looks over his books, and groans. Apparently, they weren't supposed to die until the day after. And according to the rules, Satan had to let them go back to Earth...

But, he tells them...they can never have anything to do with theit addictions again. John could never touch drugs, Joe could never touch money, and Bob could never have sex. Or else they'd be sent right back to hell. Well, they all agree, thinking Earth would still be plenty better. So they're taken to Earth.

First thing John does is find a blunt light it, and take a hit.

POOF! He vanishes.

Joe and Bob are walking down the street, when Joe sees a quarter on hte sidewalk. He bends over to pick it up.

And POOF.

Joe and Bob both vanish.

I have translated them from polish, so they may not be the best.

President Bush was in one of schools to describe his political program.After his speach he asked for questions.
Little Bob asked first.
- Mr. President i have three questions.
1. How you feel after those false elections that you have won?
2. Why you want to attack Iraq without any good reason?
3. Dont you think that nuclear bomb in Hirioshima was biggest terrorist attack ever?
In that moment a bell rung and everyone have left classroom.
After the break, kids still asked Bush. This time little Joe taked his voice.
- Mr. President i have five questions.
1. How you feel after those false elections that you have won?
2. Why you want to attack Iraq without any good reason?
3. Dont you think that nuclear bomb in Hirioshima was biggest terrorist attack ever?
4. Why we had break 20 minutes earlier?
5. And where is Bob?

Made me grin. I needed that.

Ok, now for a rather (and by that I mean highly) immature joke that is a surefire winner with the 12 and under age group.

So President Bush, and Dick Cheney are in a private plane flying over the States on a way to a publici when the pilot starts to panic.

"Oh my god! we're running out of fuel! Quick, throw something off the plane so that we're lighter, and maybe we'll be able to land safely!"

So the piolot starts throwing all kinds of stuff overboard: seats, lights, food, the works. Finally he's done. Dick Cheney thinks "well, this old thing's caused enough trouble, and it's probably bad publicity anyways" and throws his shotgun and ammo off the plane (yes it's a really big shotgun of non-compensation, and a lot of ammo besides). President Bush thinks "well, there probably aren't any terrorists on the plane, so I won't need this hand grenade" and throws it off the plane.

So, they -do- manage to land safely, and begin their publicity tour in the town, when they come across a woman who's quite happy because her family has been starving and she was forced to sell off all the furniture in the house, but all of a sudden seats, lights, and even food landed in her front yard, so she came to town to celebrate.

Next they come across her husband, a hunter, who's also really happy because of the brand new shotgun and ammo set he found abandoned in the woods, and he was in town to celebrate and brag to his friends.

Lastly, they come across the couple's son, who's doubled over on the sidewalk laughing. When asked why, he responded with a grin, "I farted and my house blew up!"




Ok, so that's not quite how it goes, nor would little kids understand the political implications, but meh, I did me best on this.

PS Ekard's Polish? cool!

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick


Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a tomato

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman!

(The great thing about that joke is that if someone gives you the correct answer, you get to go OMG SEXIST!)