Yesterday, I went to the hospital by myself. It was morning as I sat down waiting. I breathed in the dead recycled air (oh how I hate air conditioning), and looked about my white surroundings. Of course I was nervous, and wished I could have a drink of water. But I was instructed not to eat or drink anything for at least 8 hours prior to coming. While waiting, I would see old people, some on wheelchairs, some not. Some were alone. Others had company. Family I suppose. One time an old man on wheelchair was being pushed by a woman. His daughter I think. And as he was being pushed, a young girl (6, 7?) was happily giving chase to the old man on wheels. His granddaughter I think. It was a nice picture. I was reflective.
They lead me to an operating room. "Do not worry. This is a minor operation, minor procedure" the doctor said. I was already on the bed. The nurse was propping me up, sticking those little suction cup thingies on me and stuff like that. Two doctors. Two nurses. Dressed in white. Their face masks white. The patient’s garb they had me wear was white. The bed was white. The room was white. The lightings on the ceiling were white. Too much white. Where have all the colours gone?
They swap me with some cooling liquid on my throat to have it go numb. Then they sprayed cooling liquid in my mouth as well, to have the insides go numb too. Of course they jab me with something to help me sleep, so that helped. But if anything it helped me go drowsy, not into sleep. I was aware of everything. (Sometimes I think even when I am asleep so... *chuckle*) They place a fennel-like thing in my mouth. Then a long tube was inserted down my throat. The end of the tube must have had a camera or echo-sound thing but whatever it was, it help send images to the monitor which the doctors were studying. To have a tube gradually being pushed down your throat was... uncomfortable. Two years of yoga have helped me learn how to untense and go limb but still... quite a new unpleasant experience. *chuckle* Occasionally the nurse would wipe my mouth. I did not know how long it was. When it was over, a nurse was wiping the saliva stain on the bed. I was handed fistful of tissue to wipe clean the saliva on my mouth and on my chest.
"Yes, you have a hole in your heart." The doctor said. "I will set another appointment, after we study the results." A doctor needs to learn to control his voice, to give words in measured tones, so as not to excite too much emotion in his patients. Guess this doctor has leant that. Somehow I knew how this will turn out. Your body talks to you all the time, if you quiet yourself and listen. For sometime now, I knew. I remember saying "Thank you" to the doctor and saying "Thank you" to the nurse. I took a taxi home. Slept the rest of the day and into the night. (More because of whatever they jab me with earlier then anything else)
I remember in between sleeps, I just watch the shadows on the ceiling. I think it was late night or was it morning, got up, turned the lights on and went to the net. I think I posted something about japanese katana here. *chuckle* That was nice.
I am in my twenties and I have a hole in my heart; really, not poetic-romantic like. *laughs* I know I must be angry and sad, and probably somewhere deep inside I must be, but I have been smiling all this while, inwardly laughing and chuckling. What to do? *chuckle* Any moments where there is even a hint of self pity, I scold myself. I know there are countless people in this world who has it much much worse then I. Therefore I should be grateful that mine is less so. Life is suffering, isn't it?
Whenever one is faced with a problem one needs to step back, examine the available options and take positive steps. I have to wait for my next doctor's appointment, to understand what options I have and take it from there, positively. The one thing I know I must do now, is I must not let my family know. It is selfish to disturb the peace of mind of others with your own sorrow. Everyone has their own burdens. So why should you burden others unduely? No, I will have my family smile and be happy and that in turn shall make me happy; and that will be that. Then again, I must be selfish for I am writing this, that that in turn may disturb the peace of mind of those who read this. What is it about the net that you may whisper in type what you may not say in voice? Is the net now 'the hole in the tree'? That our words may flow like in a stream, to be lost in this vast digital sea?
I have to apologize for sharing my recent bad luck. But I had to use it to lead to the point of this post; Don't take things for granted. Please don't. Sounds lame, I know. But everything is a gift. Life is. There is so much bad everywhere, but there is good too. You just have to look for it. Don't take things for granted. Life is a gift.
Funny, after all that ramble, I can't find much words to express my point well. *shakes head* I have to end this post. It is getting embarrassing. It already is. Maybe I should go rent the movie Forest Gump. *laughs* Anyway, weeeeee!
They lead me to an operating room. "Do not worry. This is a minor operation, minor procedure" the doctor said. I was already on the bed. The nurse was propping me up, sticking those little suction cup thingies on me and stuff like that. Two doctors. Two nurses. Dressed in white. Their face masks white. The patient’s garb they had me wear was white. The bed was white. The room was white. The lightings on the ceiling were white. Too much white. Where have all the colours gone?
They swap me with some cooling liquid on my throat to have it go numb. Then they sprayed cooling liquid in my mouth as well, to have the insides go numb too. Of course they jab me with something to help me sleep, so that helped. But if anything it helped me go drowsy, not into sleep. I was aware of everything. (Sometimes I think even when I am asleep so... *chuckle*) They place a fennel-like thing in my mouth. Then a long tube was inserted down my throat. The end of the tube must have had a camera or echo-sound thing but whatever it was, it help send images to the monitor which the doctors were studying. To have a tube gradually being pushed down your throat was... uncomfortable. Two years of yoga have helped me learn how to untense and go limb but still... quite a new unpleasant experience. *chuckle* Occasionally the nurse would wipe my mouth. I did not know how long it was. When it was over, a nurse was wiping the saliva stain on the bed. I was handed fistful of tissue to wipe clean the saliva on my mouth and on my chest.
"Yes, you have a hole in your heart." The doctor said. "I will set another appointment, after we study the results." A doctor needs to learn to control his voice, to give words in measured tones, so as not to excite too much emotion in his patients. Guess this doctor has leant that. Somehow I knew how this will turn out. Your body talks to you all the time, if you quiet yourself and listen. For sometime now, I knew. I remember saying "Thank you" to the doctor and saying "Thank you" to the nurse. I took a taxi home. Slept the rest of the day and into the night. (More because of whatever they jab me with earlier then anything else)
I remember in between sleeps, I just watch the shadows on the ceiling. I think it was late night or was it morning, got up, turned the lights on and went to the net. I think I posted something about japanese katana here. *chuckle* That was nice.
I am in my twenties and I have a hole in my heart; really, not poetic-romantic like. *laughs* I know I must be angry and sad, and probably somewhere deep inside I must be, but I have been smiling all this while, inwardly laughing and chuckling. What to do? *chuckle* Any moments where there is even a hint of self pity, I scold myself. I know there are countless people in this world who has it much much worse then I. Therefore I should be grateful that mine is less so. Life is suffering, isn't it?
Whenever one is faced with a problem one needs to step back, examine the available options and take positive steps. I have to wait for my next doctor's appointment, to understand what options I have and take it from there, positively. The one thing I know I must do now, is I must not let my family know. It is selfish to disturb the peace of mind of others with your own sorrow. Everyone has their own burdens. So why should you burden others unduely? No, I will have my family smile and be happy and that in turn shall make me happy; and that will be that. Then again, I must be selfish for I am writing this, that that in turn may disturb the peace of mind of those who read this. What is it about the net that you may whisper in type what you may not say in voice? Is the net now 'the hole in the tree'? That our words may flow like in a stream, to be lost in this vast digital sea?
I have to apologize for sharing my recent bad luck. But I had to use it to lead to the point of this post; Don't take things for granted. Please don't. Sounds lame, I know. But everything is a gift. Life is. There is so much bad everywhere, but there is good too. You just have to look for it. Don't take things for granted. Life is a gift.
Funny, after all that ramble, I can't find much words to express my point well. *shakes head* I have to end this post. It is getting embarrassing. It already is. Maybe I should go rent the movie Forest Gump. *laughs* Anyway, weeeeee!
