I got this one today!
QUOTE
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Just got this one. It might be funnier if you work in an office, but I think it's pretty funny anyway.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
*When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her" ...
You need to pray at work.
*When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?" .... You need to pray at work.
* When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?" ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "Well, at my last office ...," and you want to throw a stapler at him ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?", and you try to hide underneath your desk ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work, and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!" ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s" ...
You need to pray at work.
* If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with ... You need to pray at work.
* If you avoid saying more than hello, or how are you doing, to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ... You need to pray at work.
* If you know all the words that have been bleeped out ...
You need to pray at work!
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS
QUOTE
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
*When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her" ...
You need to pray at work.
*When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?" .... You need to pray at work.
* When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?" ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "Well, at my last office ...," and you want to throw a stapler at him ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?", and you try to hide underneath your desk ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work, and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!" ...
You need to pray at work.
* When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s" ...
You need to pray at work.
* If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with ... You need to pray at work.
* If you avoid saying more than hello, or how are you doing, to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ... You need to pray at work.
* If you know all the words that have been bleeped out ...
You need to pray at work!
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS
I did too! That was awesome Acrune!
QUOTE(Shamarah @ Oct 25 2006, 05:51 PM) 346674
That caused me physical pain. I kid you not. My intestines started to strangle each other, it was so bad.
That made me laugh too!
I think I'm just really easily amused...
Yes, I got the Hitchhiker's reference, Verithrax. I get the special chocolate chip cookies now. 
SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUNDS
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
I lost the one I really like..
SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUNDS
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
I lost the one I really like..
NEWFOUNDLAND UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE
Paddy & Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitched. I sew ad elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs".
The clerk looked up panty stitched on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the Unemployment Office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
unemployment pay.
The clerk explained "Panty Stitches are unskilled labourers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labourers".
“What skill?†yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitterâ€.
I get hundreds of these (My email composes of 19 unopened ones right now.
) its pretty much all my aunt sends me.
Paddy & Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitched. I sew ad elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs".
The clerk looked up panty stitched on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the Unemployment Office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his
unemployment pay.
The clerk explained "Panty Stitches are unskilled labourers, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labourers".
“What skill?†yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitterâ€.
I get hundreds of these (My email composes of 19 unopened ones right now.
) its pretty much all my aunt sends me.QUOTE
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a biker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a biker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
QUOTE(Noola @ Oct 26 2006, 02:04 PM) 346951
Hee, there's a dirtier version of that joke too.
Clise, those are a bit too true to be entirely jokes.
