Verithrax2006-12-02 23:05:43
http://mediamatters.org/columns/200612010006
As ordered, I am officially declaring my support for the War on Christmas. I already decapitated a mall Santa and told all the little children that the elves had rebelled. We are supplying arms to the Elf Insurgency as we speak.
Santa's not coming this year.
As ordered, I am officially declaring my support for the War on Christmas. I already decapitated a mall Santa and told all the little children that the elves had rebelled. We are supplying arms to the Elf Insurgency as we speak.
Santa's not coming this year.
Aiakon2006-12-02 23:10:47
Not a very interesting article.
Edit: Actually, on a second reading I suppose it might be. I'm just feeling grumpy.
Edit: Actually, on a second reading I suppose it might be. I'm just feeling grumpy.
Kharaen2006-12-02 23:13:06
Eh, this guy is cooky.
Fox news, of all stations, opened his eyes and geared his revolt of Christmas.
And the mafia controls government in the States? Guns truly are the law there
Christmas isn't a religious holiday anymore anyways. It's just another way to get out of school, get days off work, and exchange presents.
Fox news, of all stations, opened his eyes and geared his revolt of Christmas.
And the mafia controls government in the States? Guns truly are the law there
Christmas isn't a religious holiday anymore anyways. It's just another way to get out of school, get days off work, and exchange presents.
Verithrax2006-12-02 23:14:33
Yikes. Should've posted this on the Funnies - it's a satire piece. I just find it amusing.
Aiakon2006-12-02 23:21:04
QUOTE(Verithrax @ Dec 2 2006, 11:14 PM) 359297
Yikes. Should've posted this on the Funnies - it's a satire piece. I just find it amusing.
It's satire? Why didn't you say so. I would have read it in a completely different way.
Xavius2006-12-02 23:24:03
QUOTE(Aiakon @ Dec 2 2006, 05:21 PM) 359301
It's satire? Why didn't you say so. I would have read it in a completely different way.
I...sincerely hope, for all of mankind's sake, that your post was sarcastic.
Verithrax2006-12-02 23:43:55
QUOTE(Aiakon @ Dec 2 2006, 09:21 PM) 359301
It's satire? Why didn't you say so. I would have read it in a completely different way.
Good thing I'm one of the last three or four human beings endowed with magic sarcasm-detection-over-the-Internet skills.
Aiakon2006-12-02 23:49:26
QUOTE(Xavius @ Dec 2 2006, 11:24 PM) 359302
I...sincerely hope, for all of mankind's sake, that your post was sarcastic.
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.
I've also had a lot to drink.
Xavius2006-12-02 23:51:46
QUOTE(Aiakon @ Dec 2 2006, 05:49 PM) 359311
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.
I've also had a lot to drink.
Bleh. Quick, someone who speaks Drunkese, translate that for me.
Aiakon2006-12-02 23:54:01
QUOTE(Xavius @ Dec 2 2006, 11:51 PM) 359312
Bleh. Quick, someone who speaks Drunkese, translate that for me.
The first is Swift, the second truth.
Viravain2006-12-03 00:00:59
Just something I found last night that I found amusing along the lines of this topic
QUOTE
Is there a Santa?
(from an engineering standpoint)
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about. .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
(from an engineering standpoint)
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about. .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Sylphas2006-12-03 00:49:39
He's magic, fools! Like a Stuffy Doll that has life gain instead of pinging.
Shinza2006-12-03 02:15:35
QUOTE(Viravain @ Dec 3 2006, 01:00 PM) 359314
Stuff
And ... I'm told that at my archery club, the Christmas shoot this year will involve A3 posters with Santa printed on them.
Unknown2006-12-03 15:47:43
QUOTE(Viravain @ Dec 3 2006, 12:00 AM) 359314
Just something I found last night that I found amusing along the lines of this topic
That was already posted in the email jokes thread in The Funnies. At least a week ago.
Unknown2006-12-03 16:16:12
QUOTE(Viravain @ Dec 2 2006, 07:00 PM) 359314
Just something I found last night that I found amusing along the lines of this topic
Unknown2006-12-04 01:07:12
Wow, you people sure are slow. I've read this "Santa meets laws of physics" essay about... 8 years ago? Back in 20th century anyway.
EDIT: Well, it DOES say it was written in 1990. Gah, 2 AM - sleepy!
EDIT: Well, it DOES say it was written in 1990. Gah, 2 AM - sleepy!
Verithrax2006-12-04 01:11:59
Me too, now that you mention it. It goes around on Email every year.
Unknown2006-12-04 04:19:34
I'm not slow, I just loath chain e-mail things, so none of my friends/relatives send them to me anymore. I guess that makes me miss the once in a million funny one though.
Felandi2006-12-09 10:06:13
Don't worry people, we all know this is The Last Christmas after all
