Introduction

Having read my way through the 'new commodities' thread, it occured to me that there is one commodity the Basin does not have, which it really ought to.

Indeed, it has long struck me that the mechanics of life in lusternia fail to take into account one major issue of living, with the sad consequence that it fails to be as realistic as it might be.

We can grow tired and have to sleep
We can grow hungry and have to eat
.... but we never eat too much and have to poo.

The Production and Egestion of Faeces

No doubt this would be a coding chore, but I feel that each foodstuff should be assigned two additional variables. The first would be a measure out of ten, which would assign a 'solidity' rating to each food. The second would be a measure of time since the food was eaten - depending on other factors, and perhaps afflictions (?), it could be raised or lowered, to indicate the food's progress through the digestive tract.

After one or two in game days, food that has been eaten must be euphemistically dispatched. The fullness of the lower colon would be displayed on STATUS: perhaps from... 'You have no need to poo' to 'Every time you cough, you eject faecal matter- find a toilet NOW!', with a wide variety of options in between. This would, no doubt, be an invaluable aid to realistic mudsex roleplay for same-sex male couples who enjoy consentual buggery.

In order to release, the player must type the command SQUAT, whereupon there is a loss of balance and equib of between 3 seconds to 30, depending on the extent to which the player-character is constipated (this can be calculated by applying a simple formula to the solidity ratings of the digested foodstuffs). While doing so, anyone who walks in on the player will see something like: 'A look of deepest concentration on his face, Aiakon squats here, panting' - again this could be modified to account for different ratings of constipation.

At the moment of poo-ing, player and 3rd person watchers will receive another consistency dependant message. A particularly constipated player-character should perhaps be afflicted with mild bleeding; a player-character suffering from acute diarrhoea would cause everyone in the room including himself to be afflicted with smellyness. The discerning poo-er would attempt to find a middle ground.

If a player-character is not given an opportunity to poo, though desperate - he will poo himself. The result of this will be an affliction for smellyness, and a permanent change to the short-description of the clothes that cover the lower half of his anatomy. Thus, if Aiakon was wearing 'Cheap sillken robes with a rope belt', this would become 'Cheap silken robes with a rope belt, smeared in disgusting excrement'. Anyone who examined him would see this.

In order to clean clothes, a player must either take his clothes to a river or watercourse and WASH (this would take many goes), or employ a tailor to do it for him. WIth the tailor's intimate knowledge of clothing, the clothes would be washed far faster. Please note that this would mean adding an extra skill and extra utility to the tailoring skillset. I am sure all tailors would appreciate this opportunity to make more money.

Poo Commodities and Their Uses

Once Squating has been completed, a poo commodity will appear in the room. There should be three different types of poo commodity, depending on the solidity variables of the food that has been eaten: Runny Poo, Normal Poo (this would need a better name), and Hard Poo.

Uses:

(1) Fertiliser:

Poo commodities could be SPREAD in rooms with herbs, to increase herb growth. This would be a skill that anyone could employ, but would prove particularly efficacious for herbs users.

(2) As a commodity in Designs

Imagine 'poo cakes', and 'poo cookies', or 'A bookshelf smeared in poo'. Perhaps even forging... 'Aiakon stands here, wielding a poo-encrusted rapier in his left hand'. The possibilities are --literally- endless.

(3) As a griefing tool

Got someone you don't like? Grab some poo and head over to their manse. Using the command SMEAR, you can then cover their manse room - or perhaps specific furniture - in poo. This would also have another advantage, in that it would give Tully something real to clear up. Poo removal could be effected by filling a bucket with water (note new Arts skill - BUCKETMAKING), and then SCRUBing.

(4) As a weapon

You wield some poo in your left hand. You toss some poo to Narsrim.

Narsrim is now smelly. Moments later, he is sapped... and when he rubs his cleanse enchantment.. it cures his poo smells first.

(5) As a vehicle for new types of poisons and afflictions

Imagine the possibilities!


Advantages

With the new Aiakon-patented-poo system, we could see a whole new set of skills and designs. Artisans could create 'latrines', tailors could create special incontinence pants for the 'elderly' (perhaps these could even be a sort of defence against poo-afflictions), herbalists could find and sell new herbs to combat constipation and the other option.... etc etc. As I said above, the possibilities are limitless.

Additional Ideas

I for one would really like to see real poo floating in the sewers. Furthermore, I'd like to see racial types of poo. Viscanti poo might, for example, create poisoned gas.. or perhaps, if the Viscanti in question has eaten the right types of food, a special taint poo that can taint rooms.

The End

Thank you for taking the time to read this little post. Please post encouragements on this thread, and maybe the admin will implement this great idea.

You forgot one use...





MUDSECKS


And if we have poo we should also have pee.

I don't know who moved this to the funnies... it was a deadly serious suggestion. Please move it back to ideas.

Aiakon, you're awesome.

You deserve it.

Should this idea get implemented, he might not thank you for the cookies.

They're good cookies, I swear! Not turd cookies. 'Cause that's just gross. And it would be infringing on the holy cookiness.

Turd cookies!

from me, too.

And I think making buckets is already an Ironcraft ability.

Um...you've spent WAY too much time thinking about this...scary..

... What's with you and poo?!

I think I'm going to go throw up now... thanks.

Aiakon reminds me of Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs." Mike Rowe is cool though.

You forgot to think up a system for mounts randomly generating large amounts of poo.

Don't forget about the cows. The roads would be splattered in the stuff.

There's actually an ambiance message on roads about horse manure.

You win Lusternia.

We already have diahhroea and vomiting in Lusternia. I think they both go far enough already.