I've been trying to think up of designs for a personalized mage staff. Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that while I can write a story relatively well...I'm not so good with descriptions.

So! I come to you, creative writers of Lusternia, humbly asking you to critique and judge (constructively, preferably), my staff. If you can think of any way to make it better, please do not hesitate to speak.

Without further ado...the Staff of Illith.

It reminds me of a caduceus. Well, not really, since that's one snake instead of two.

Aesthetically, maybe you could try using "snakes'" and "serpents'" a bit less, and replace some with pronouns, if only because it might look better that way.

Short: the staff of Illith

Long: A staff of intertwining serpents lies abandoned on the ground.

Ext: Two serpents twist about each other in a continuous helix, forming a sinuous staff almost as tall as the creature that wields it. Crafted entirely of jade, black and green swirls of colour lurk just beneath the surface. The snakes’ scales are accented with a gold inlay, and the entire stave almost seems to glow with Geomantic power. At the end where the serpents’ tails come together, a sharp onyx spike has been attached. At the top of the staff, the snakes’ heads face each other, both sets of fangs bared in a constant challenge. Affixed between the two serpents’ jaws lies an opaque gem the size of a human’s fist. Perfectly round, the black stone appears to absorb all light around it, and within its depths lays the emptiness of the Void.
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Short desc: Same

Dropped desc: Same

Long desc: A pair of serpents entwine upon themselves in a sinuous helix, forming a sinister-looking staff with a height to match that of its owner. Though the entirety of the staff is crafted of jade, splotches of black occasionally mar its surface, yet it still looks somehow refined. Providing further detail, the scales of the interwoven reptiles are accented softly with gold, causing the staff to shimmer with a certain elegance in the available light. Fangs bared, the heads of these deadly snakes look as if they are eternally locked in a battle of dominance. Firmly affixed between the heads of the feuding ophidians is an opaque gem, which seems to emanate an aura of raw and foreboding earthen strength. Following the length of the staff downwards, the tails of the venomous beasts seem to intertwine closer and tighter upon each other before binding together and forming a menacing onyx spike.


I essentially re-wrote the entire thing. Feel free to take some parts and leave others.

Edit: As a note, I didn't rough draft it. So if it's a bit sketchy, sorry.

+ If it's two serpents, it should be a double helix.

+ The description of the staff shouldn't contain information about the wielder. What if I point a diminish enchantment at the wielder, does the staff get shorter too?

+ If the entirety of the staff is made of jade why are there so many other components like an onyx tail?

That's basically the same as pointing a diminish enchantment at the wielder and wondering why their desc size doesn't change, though.

Plus, if it doesn't get shorter, then that means that stuff like clothes and armor doesn't get smaller either and that means that if you shrink someone (or enlarge them ) their clothes are prolly falling off. So... for the sake of my imagination, yes. The staff would shrink when the person holding it shrinks.

Or, if they get larger as you were saying, their clothes would rip. (Except their pants, that way they could be like the Hulk.)

More work for tailors!

Completely unrelated, some girl in front of the bar across the street keeps yelling "Mike!" over and over at the top of her voice. It's so interesting living across the street from a bar sometimes.

All of these are fair points. Initially, I wanted to stay away from double helix because it sounded too technical, but it really is only describing the shape, so...



Very nice...I like it!

Thanks for the feedback so far, I'll post up version 2 when I get back from work this afternoon

Mumble mumble DNA mumble mumble hate it.

DNA isn't the only double helix out there. The concept "double helix" precedes the realization that DNA was one by a few thousand years. Pish. (Incidentally, the caduceus wasn't a symbol of medicine; that's the Rod of Asclepius which has only one snake. But by now the mistake is so firmly entrenched it's become de facto correct.)

There should be a COMPARE command so you can tell if someone else is bigger or prettier than you (since those things should be evident at a glance, but descriptions don't reflect them). Then there should be tricks in Stealth and Illusions to disguise both.

There should be boots to increase your height.
On that note, you should just put an ankh on the top of your staff, to quell any arguments.

I know, its just that double helix will always make me think of DNA.

Alright. As promised here is version 2 of the Staff of Illith. The body of Kante's description has been used, and Narsrim's three concerns have been addressed.



There are a few more things I'd like to add/change to the description, but I'm not quite sure how best to do so. Originally, I had wanted the gem on to be more reminiscient of Illith than the Earth itself. Also, the point at the end doesn't seem quite right.

Any more comments/critiques/suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Oops, I thought the Caduceus = Rod of Asclepius and the two snakes one was Hermes' or something.

*fails mythology*

That looks awesome

Kinda liked the original version better. Clauses like "Providing further detail," are awkward and don't flow as well as what you had. One trick to writing descriptions is to find ways to link each aspect, without having to delineate that they are linking. The bits where you use the physical proximity, or describe how the colors interact, as a transition element are a good example of that - it's a more seamless melding of the various components that make up the item.