Laptop going through second stage of death.

Job and laptop searching.

If a netbook's adequate, there's some good ones for $200 on Woot today.

I hate netbooks. I also hate interweb moochers. ONLY MY ROOMMATES CAN HAVE THIS INTERNET! GOAWAY MYSTERIOUS Xbox360(I know who's it is, actually)!

Long Post Incoming. TL:DR - I suck.

I just -love- when I get reminded of my being afraid to drive. Unfortunately this happens usually once every time I drive with my family members. They're all speeders, to varying degrees. My sister is the crazy one followed by my mother then brother and then father. Truthfully there isn't much difference except between my sister and everyone else as she seems to speed a lot faster than the rest of them. Oddly enough though of the four of them I only really consider my father and sister (!) to be the "safe" drivers of the family, much to my mother's and brother's disbelief (not really the best word but I can't think of what would be more appropriate).

I'm sure most people would think that my mother and brother are the safer drivers as only one of them as been in an accident and that was his own fault and by himself. My sister and I have been in an accident (about 3-4 years ago, some might remember my post about it though doubtful) and my father has been in several accidents, mostly by himself. My reason for feeling that my father & sister are the safer of the four is this: they are flexible drivers. By this I mean they are careful observers of the road and adjust as needed. My mom and brother on the other hand not so much. My mom and brother think that everyone should adhere to the rules of the road (not saying they shouldn't) and are..."enforcers" of sorts. So more times than not they follow the rules like good little lemmings (y'know, stop at stop signs, turn on blinkers, et cetera et cetera.)That isn't to say my sister and dad don't follow the rules.

Here's one of the situations that happened, to show my "enforcer" title to my brother & mom. My mom was trying me to school one more as per usual. We're sitting at a 4 way, there's the right hand turn lane, the left turn lane, and the straight lane. A jerk decides (like many people in vegas) to get into the right turn lane to go straight. Now there's just -enough- road in front of us to allow the jerk to do this, if he's quicker than the person in the straight lane. This decision is rather unwise as my mom is the person who he'll have to be quicker than. The light turns green, and we go forward. My mom sees the jerk's decision and instead of backing off (my dad would've, and so would my sister) she speeds up and forces the jerk to slow down or hit us. I am in the front passenger seat, and the jerk gets within a -hair's breath- of hitting us. So who would've been injured/killed in that? Me. This is not the first instance of this kind of thing from my mom, and it put me in a foul mood for the rest of the day. My dad/sister do not pull these kind of stunts. They either back off or (if there's room) speed up and go around.

I really dislike the idea of driving, not only from these experiences but also watching other people driving. It scares me. It also is so bad that there are times when I imagine us getting into a wreck. Honestly, the few times I've gotten behind the wheel with my dad I get on the verge of a panic attack. Which doesn't help me at all, as I tend to fall into this panic mode when I go out alone. I honestly envy so many of you. You all seem so...so confident and I just wish that I was like any number of you. Going out on my own, being a lone makes me so scared and it doesn't help that I am -still- afraid of the dark (my family just doesn't seem to understand it at all). I feel so utterly worthless at times, more so when I remember advice that has been given to me and yet I do nothing. I just feel like I'm in this bog and have been for the past three years. Everytime I try to explain things to my family, it's like I'm on a tread mill. Going no where and no one inch closer to them understanding -anything-. I've got no talent, I'm not good at anything. In essence I am simply a useless husk. I'm surprised it took me so long to really realize this.

My mother thinks the reason I've become so reclusive/a loner is because of the divorce. But I honestly think that is not true. I started to withdraw from being active and friendly and outgoing (gosh I wish I was the young eight year old again. I was actually confident!) shortly before we left Germany (around Spring of '02 I think.) I came to the realization that I had almost no friends to really call my own. I had perhaps two I could honestly say were my friends, the reason of them were my siblings' friends. I had also realized just how unwanted I was to my siblings. Nothing I did seemed to make them at all interested in doing anything with me. I couldn't even offer to help them out with chores or anything like that without them wanting to send me away. Being 3/4 years younger than them really hurt things, I think. They grew up with each other and then all of a sudden this annoyance comes barging in. It was hard enough for me to make friends, but after realizing this I kind of gave up all together. Most of my friends have basically had to impose friendship on me. It is amazing to me that I have as many friends as I do now, and that a few of them even had interest in me! I don't know what people see in me, or why they bother to be friends with me. I don't know why I bother really. I'm just a waste of space that lacks any sort of courage or intelligence to stop being that waste of space.

There's nothing wrong with being afraid of the dark. -I-'m afraid of the dark. I'm not afraid of much, but nothing gets to me more then the dark.

Hey.

A lot of these things are really similar to the situation I'm in, and I have the same feelings that you do on the matter sometimes. It sounds to me like you're dealing with depression and some anxiety issues, if what causes my problems is any indication. People who haven't had to deal with it, yeah, it never seems like they understand, and it's hard to try to explain it. But look, there are people who understand, and people who have it the same or worse. And things can get better, as unlikely as it feels. You're not as useless as you think you are.

Uh...I'm not very good at advice, or at cheering people up. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that someone understands what you're dealing with.

I'm still afraid of the dark. Well, my dad's basement.

I'm afraid of the light. I don't want to get caught.

I hate all forms of transportation. They are extreme dangers that I abhor.
I have so many fears that it'd take a long ass time to list them and explain them.
I am not a confident person at all. I have self-esteem issues, the only reason I have friends is because people want me for my brain and I have a lot of interest so I appeal to a lot of people. The only reason I haven't had any nervous breakdowns yet is because I read a lot and listen to music constantly so I'm distracted by those things. I'm not the best person to be giving advice, but just find something that you can submerge yourself in and go with that.
Just my two cents, ignore my words if you wish.

Demis influencing lower level mobs(Tosha, etc). >:

Being afraid of cars is perhaps one of the most rational fears I've seen someone have. People are worried about terrorism, or getting hit by lightning, or some random guy robbing and killing them, when they're hundreds or thousands of times more likely to be killed in a car accident or by heart disease.

I used to feel this way a lot when I was in my university. Look at it this way: We are born with nothing and we'll die with nothing. So, you having nothing is the normal state of things. As most people say, how can you fill a cup when it isn't empty. You're still alive and in doing so you'll have an opportunity to fill that cup. Everyone moves at different speeds. I'm in my 30s and I still don't have a "career", semi-jobless, and over 1000 miles away from family. What I was and what I will be are all in flux.

I think the first step you need to do is to learn to love yourself/find acceptance for who you are and not let people sway your thinking. Don't be I wish I could be this or I wish I can be that. Perfection is our natural state. If you allow yourself to be perfect, then it will happen.

Then, you'll need to find those things in life that make you happy. For me, it is going to the local sweet shop, buying a manju or a wagashi, and eating it while sipping some green tea. My life is complete. I find happiness in doing that small thing. Taking walks, watching movies at the theatre, eating ice cream, and swimming in hot springs are all simple things that I take pleasure in. Find those things and your life will definitely improve.

"Don't worry! Be happy!

Thank you for your words. They definitely offer me comfort, just to know that people do understand despite this uphill battle of sorts I have with my family.

The thing with my fear of the dark is not so much the fear itself, well it is pretty bad when I can never seem to get to sleep because I'm staring out into a dark abyss panicking. Its how my family...well deals with it. Both of my siblings think I'm just being a child (no surprise), my dad is more understanding but at the same time isn't, and my mom is by far the worse of it. When I lived in Las Vegas with my mom and sister, Saturday nights were my time/my hell. My mom and her husband would go bowling, and my sister went off with her friends like any other 18+ year old. I have this thing of turning on basically all lights in my path. My mom came home and told me that I shouldn't be doing this. It just....dumbfounding me that she would say this to me. I honestly think she didn't say it because she really thinks I shouldn't do this, I think she said it for the benefit of her husband (boyfriend at the time). I hate that man. There is no ifs ands or buts about it. I hate him. He and dealing with him has been a constant source of stress in my life. But I could make another long post about him, and I won't. He is not apart of my life beyond when I visit my mom, which is not often.




To be honest, games are my escape. They have been since after we returned to the US from Germany. I didn't start to really submerge myself into video games until I moved to Vegas, when I started to play WoW. My mom honestly thinks I'm "addicted" to it. I came home every day and got on. I basically did my best to ignore much of life in Vegas. Now, here is Texas, games aren't my escape (well not in the same way). I play them because they're enjoyable, I connect with my friends, and I love them. Vegas, it as a means of keeping the stress, and my fear of the dark away. Returning to the saturday thing, I would play WoW that night all night until they came home. This didn't happen til 1 am some times. Even then, I am not always able to keep away the panic and fear when playing at night. This happens to me sometimes now, when I can't sleep at night (which happens a lot actually).

I really kind of wish my family understood that too. Games are more than just what I do because I'm bored and have the free time. But I understand there concern, and worry that all I'm going to be is a lazy bum, feeding off my dad. Which I have no intention of doing.

Thank you all for listening. Its just really hard right now to understand/realize that I will find my footing and I will make my own life. More so when my father is having to deal with people constantly telling him to kick me out, or force me to get going. And yea, I need to stop letting what others' say effect me so much, but it does unfortunately. Its just so much worse when it seems like your whole family has the same opinion of you. But again, thank you for your words and for listening.

I think what "older people" find difficult is how the concept of "games" has evolved in our society. I agree that games taken to an extreme can be detrimental, but then anything taken to the extreme isn't good ,i.e. alcohol, smoking, eating meat, etc. So, if you are expecting your parents to understand that, it might be difficult. You are going to naturally find people that will agree and disagree with you. Just like there are different colour flowers and smells, so there are people. The way you look at the world is going to be different because of your perspective. I don't see your fear of the dark to be something negative. I think of it more as a challenge or puzzle for you to figure out. The experience of what you are going through and how you resolve it will help you grow.

For me, I used to suffer from delusions of self-persecution. I truly believed that people were constantly talking about me in a bad way all of the time. It was until I learned how to deal with and go through the experience of changing myself did it stop. I believe you can to. Life isn't a cake. It's a carnival! You gotta dance to the music you create! And remember it is never easy. No matter what people tell you. They don't know what goes on in your head. Only you do.

I wish you luck on your journey. It sounds to me it might do you some good to visit Germany.

Oh man, I would sell my soul, limbs, and all my organs to go back to Germany. Such a magical and lovely place.

It is doable. I packed my bags and left for Japan after I finished my university. After 10 years, I'm still here

What's stopping you?

Hrm. Well, I found a full-sized laptop, two and a half years old, $200, in my area. I can haz it on Thursday! I'm so excited. It looks so sweet and soooo... yeah, I'm excited wheeeee. Since this laptop is 10 years old, the new one is looking pretty sweet. HP Pavillion DV6105CA. Wheeeeeeee.

And life is looking up now, awwww yeah.

First day of class today. I'm so exhausted. It takes pretty much all my willpower to not be freaking out every second I'm on campus, so when I get home after class, I feel like I've been running a marathon or something instead of just sitting in a classroom. Hurrgh...I just want to curl up and go to sleep forever.