Again, incorrect. I'm generally willing to try -anything- at least once.

Then I shall open door number 3!

And... wrong!

#4 was a lie. I'm not Asatru, though I find it to be a fascinating religion/culture. (Sorry, Kante!)

So, my truths were all guessed to be lies. Does this mean I win?

Oh man, I think I can do this just with stories from my old measure route.

1. I have averted a mugging by pulling out a laser rangefinder, pretending it was a taser, and shouting racial epithets. (Karel)
2. I have been spanked while on duty by a 60-something year old woman wearing little more than lingerie.
3. Because I was given wrong directions, heavily armed police came to my door to "ask some questions" about an assassination attempt on a Nebraska Supreme Court Justice.
4. I have been interrogated by ex-CIA operatives for connecting to Warren Buffett's wifi. (Rancoura)
5. I have come in close contact with a hot tub filled to the brim and overflowing with bird feces. (Shaddus)

Yes. You win Lusternia.

Mine again, just so people don't have to keep looking back.

1. I have gender identity disorder and am slated for a sex change after some more hormone replacement therapy. This is actually true. I was diagnosed about a month ago.
2. I've recieved a hug from Justin Long.
3. I've been pronounced legally dead before.
4. I'm learning three languages at once: Chinese, Japanese, and Korean.
5. Approximately 1/3 of my large intestine is rubber tubing.

And my guesses for other people:

Xavius: #1. You're too cool to be racist.

...And that's the only one that's on the "last 10 posts" at the bottom. So...

I'm going to hold my nose and say it's five.

#3 is actually true, my girlfriend used to work for Formula One Management, when they came to Shanghai in 2005 to do the final race of the season her old boss offered her two backstage passes. I got the other one - we somehow got ourselves invited to Red Bull Racings after race party and its the only place I've ever been where the queue for the gents was ten times the queue for the ladies. I was sat there having a break from the free booze and two security guards were suddenly infront of me, then the described incident happened.

As for Rancoura, I'm going to guess #4

I am too cool to be racist, but I am not too cool to pretend to be racist to save my arse.

The rest of the story:

I'd just recently bought a new car. Omaha is generally a safe city, but there is one impoverished neighborhood that is a substantial exception. It wasn't on my normal route, but the guy who did have that neighborhood wasn't working that day, so I picked it up.

So, pasty white guy in a black neighborhood with a shiny new car. Obvious mark, sadly. I get invited into this guy's house to start measuring for carpet. He takes off, has other stuff to do. His friends are still there. I haven't actually started yet, which is good. So we chat a bit. One guy says, in a very meaningful tone, that he likes my car. I'm not always the most alert person in the world, so I didn't realize at the moment what was going on, so I just talk idly about my new toy. I forget exactly how the conversation went from there, but the first guy more directly said that he wanted my keys (still slightly covered by innuendo), it finally clicks in my mind what's going on, I say no, second guy gets up in my face and says, "Give us your mother keys, cracker." I shove him out of the way, pull my Disto, advance on the first guy, and yell, "You ever been tased, ?" They both back off, I walk out.

The homeowner later apologized.

Nope, that one's true too.

The rest of the story:

The majority of people are very self-conscious about the way their house looks when strangers are invited over. There's a minority that doesn't care one iota about how their house looks, or is maintained, or whatever. There's very little in between.

In this case, some very pretty birds were caged directly over a hot tub. For whatever reason, the homeowners decided that opening the hot tub was a better plan than cleaning the cage. They had trouble understanding why I wasn't going to put carpet removal in their estimate and insisted that they do it themselves.

There are plenty of other animal feces stories, though. My personal favorite is the rabbit who didn't have a cage.

Good guess. You must have amazing intuition (*reading skills.)

And so, #2 for you. #4 for Xavius and #3 for Karel.

Edited for space.

Also true. There's not really a "rest of the story" to that one. No one was living in the house, they were monitoring traffic on that node, and I went to a site that could have been used to post information about the house or its security system. (I think it was Lusty's forums, actually.) Nice guys. No waterboarding was involved. One of them kindly invited me into another room, locked the door behind him, and asked to see my computer while his friend idly chatted me up. Again, not too alert, and I only realized after the fact that he was probing me for potential criminal connections. His ex-wife was kind enough to bail me out after about ten minutes and explain who they were.

Gonna guess #2

Rancoura is correct - I am not an assistant scuba diving instructor. I have that course booked for later in the year

#2 is correct.

Interesting bit of trivia: the demographic most likely to own a skimpy, sexy nightgown or corset (or at least, to store one where it can be seen) is elderly, single women. I'm sure it's a lonely life, and I feel some sympathy for them, but I don't appreciate old ladies dressed up inappropriately who flirt with me while I'm figuring carpet yardage. Fortunately, touching has never been involved.

Have to rewrite these, they got deleted somehow.

1: I once had a man vomit on me from thirty feet above my head. It was beer and crawdads.
2. For about a week, I worked as a rodeo clown and made some decent money.
3. I fell on my head as a child.
4. Once when I was in the Army, I swelled up and almost died to an allergic reaction from the sun.
5. I'm a better cook than my wife.

4!

No, I'm afraid not. I came out of the field after a week out and felt a bit warm. The next day I felt distinctly warm but ignored it. I woke up on Sunday and my body/face was so swollen that I could barely open my eyes. Know how you can take your finger and push it into your skin on your face/cheeks, and it gives a bit? Mine wouldn't push in. I ended up going to the doctor and after having massive amounts of steroids/other stuff pumped into me, I was told I had too much sun and thus too much vitamin D. Apparently I have an oddly rare allergy to too much D.

Nope, I've been pronounced legally dead before. Since Xavius is doing it, I think I will too. The REST OF THE STORY.

As a three-months-premature baby, I had a number of complications. I don't remember what the exact cause was, but I was pronounced dead a total of four times. My mother still tells me that if she has to see her son die a fifth time, she's going to lose it.

Lekius, I say number 3.

Oh. Mine again:

1. I have gender identity disorder and am slated for a sex change after some more hormone replacement therapy. This is actually true; I was diagnosed about a month ago. Anyone want to help me pick out a new name?
2. I've recieved a hug from Justin Long.
3. I've been pronounced legally dead before.
4. I'm learning three languages at once: Chinese, Japanese, and Korean.
5. Approximately 1/3 of my large intestine is rubber tubing.

You can't make most of that up! I'm sure it's 3 or 5, but I'm going to guess 5.