I kind of miss the old days of lichseed/trueheal rage in the lack of rants thread.

/derail

Aeral tells you, "// I'll snow your balls."

That's cold.

Kids these days!

(Market): You say, "The Gaudiguch Gossip has been updated at last!"

A precise lance of scorching blue flame shoots across the heavens.
You have barely a fraction of a second to feel a dread foreboding before the lance of flame slams directly into your chest, filling your mind with white-hot pain and seeming to set every nerve in your body aflame. When you finally begin to breathe again, there is surprisingly no mark upon your form, but a weakness of mind and body remain to attest to Kalikai's anger.

You peer about yourself unscrupulously.

You say, "It wasn't me?"

Attendant of the Pyramid, Arkosa, Cutiepie Extraordinaire says to you, "Are you alright?"

You say, "Alive, certainly."

Metamorphic Rikaru says to you, "That looked awful."

The Divine voice of Kalikai, the Crimson Eye echoes in your head, "So.. where's My newsletter, eh?"

You say, "A bit perplexed. I cannot imagine what I did wrong this time."

You tell Kalikai, the Crimson Eye, "You don't have one?"

You tell Kalikai, the Crimson Eye, "I could have sworn I sent it. Did You perhaps toss it out at some point?"


You address an elegant white letter to Kalikai, the Crimson Eye, and immediately a harried-looking dracnari comes out to take it from you. She whistles, and a wakabi in a blue uniform with a ridiculous hat strapped to its head comes flying into the room. The dracnari attaches an elegant white letter to the wakabi's leg, and it speeds away.

The Divine voice of Kalikai, the Crimson Eye echoes in your head, "Hm, I may have needed something to throw at that thief who was drinking too much of My whiskey."

The Divine voice of Kalikai, the Crimson Eye echoes in your head, "Excellent."

You tell Kalikai, the Crimson Eye, "There's the current edition, I suppose. Next print run hasn't been mailed out yet, since nobody has subscribed."

Kalikai, the Crimson Eye has bestowed Her divine truefavour upon you. It will last for 1 month.

You tell Kalikai, the Crimson Eye, "And remember! It updates itself. The text changes. You don't need a new copy every 6 months, the old one becomes new again!"

The Divine voice of Kalikai, the Crimson Eye echoes in your head, "Oh I certainly want a subscribtion, eh?"

You tell Kalikai, the Crimson Eye, "Is there more chocolates?"



Sparks of blazing aether flare into being, whirling erratically before converging into the form of Kalikai.

Kalikai begins to wield a crimson chocolate heart in Her left hand.

Kalikai tosses a crimson chocolate heart to you, and you catch it nimbly.

Kalikai winks knowingly.

Threads of fiery aether coalesce around Kalikai, enshrouding Her form whole before bursting in an explosion of jittery sparks and fading from view.

Your mouth turns up as your face breaks into a smile.

You say, "Success!"

Metamorphic Rikaru says, "Am I going crazy, or is the Elder Goddess Kalikai actually standing here?"

Elana Ildaine says, "I never get any reactions from Divine."

"Wow!" Ushyo exclaims!

With a flourish of his arm, Rikaru bows deeply.

Metamorphic Rikaru says, "It's all in my head..."

(Market): You say, "Subscriptions to the Gaudiguch Gossip available for 20000 gold, or Divine chocolates. Even the Gods read it!"

You say, "Nope."

Metamorphic Rikaru says, "What a strange vision..."

You say, "Paying for Her subscription to the Gossip with chocolates."

You point accusingly at a crimson chocolate heart.


Elana rubs her chin thoughtfully, raises her eyebrow and says, "I see..."

With the general size and shape of a clenched fist, the chocolate heart is a startling shade of crimson. Its surface has been carved in exquisite detail, from surface sulci that indicate individual chambers to the branching trail of coronary blood vessels that web the outside of the organ. At the top of the heart, the great vessels have been fashioned delicately out of soft white chocolate, the aorta and the pulmonary trunk spiralling against one another gracefully. A gaze down the great vessels show the arteries slick with sticky red caramel, the view ending at the shapely semi-lunar valves that close off the hollow interior of the chocolate heart.
It has 10 months of usefulness left.
It weighs 10 ounce(s).

Metamorphic Ushyo asks, "How much is a subscription to the Gossip for non-Divine?"

You say, "20000 gold, or 1000 per update left in this decade."

Vrestis tells you, "Is there a desk anywhere other than the post office I can't sit on it for some reason."

You say, "Updates twice a year."

A pinpoint of brilliant light forms in the air then expands in a flare of ivory and gold into the glorious form of Eventru, Crown of the Exalted.

Eventru gives you the once-over, eyeing you suspiciously.

Elana Ildaine says, "That's rather expensive."

You say, "Hello!"

Eventru, Crown of the Exalted says, "We would like a copy of this Gossip."

Elana blinks incredulously at Eventru.

Ushyo blinks.

You look about yourself, rubbing your chin thoughtfully.

Rikaru ponders for a moment and says "Hrm..."

Elana Ildaine says, "Lord Eventru."

Elana curtseys respectfully before Eventru.

Eventru, Crown of the Exalted says, "We bring chocolate."

You say, "Current edition, or a subscription for the upcoming decade?"

Eventru's eyes sparkle with amusement.

Ushyo bows respectfully to Eventru.

Eventru, Crown of the Exalted says, "Just the current edition!"

You suck thoughtfully on your teeth.

Comprehension flashes across Rikaru's face.

You say, "Only have the master copy on me. Promise to give it back?"

Eventru, Crown of the Exalted says, "We suppose."

Elana Ildaine says, "Now I'm curious.... but meh... need more gold first."

Arkosa blinks incredulously at Rikaru.

Ushyo nods his head at Elana.

Attendant of the Pyramid, Arkosa, Cutiepie Extraordinaire says, "Mm?"

You give a common rag newsletter to Eventru, Crown of the Exalted.

Eventru gives a common rag newsletter to you.

Metamorphic Rikaru says, "You doing alright?"

Eventru gives a luscious chocolate bunny that isn't plagued to you.

You ponder the situation.

Flares of ivory and gold surround the glorious form of Eventru, Crown of the Exalted as He disappears in a fanfare of light and rapturous warmth.

You say, "This seems somewhat suspicious."

This bunny rabbit has been formed of carefully moulded and shaped chocolate, bearing rudimentary etchings that outline its long, stiff ears, wide eyes, and whiskery nose, complete with buckteeth below. The rich, dark surface swells as the design progresses downward, outlining the rabbit's plump belly, wide feet, and cotton puff of a tail, the entire confection bearing a silky sheen. A heady, decadent aroma hangs about the candy, bespeaking the luscious sweetness that it is sure to impart.
It weighs 1 ounce(s).

You eagerly bite the head off of a luscious chocolate bunny before quickly devouring the remainder of the poor lapine's body. The chocolate melts readily on your tongue, unleashing a burst of sweetness undertoned with the earthy richness of the cocoa within.
You feel your skin thicken.

o The target of an ambush will now be sprawled before the attack instead
of after.

You leap out from your hiding place and pounce upon Rathan.
You whip Giallyn, a humble song sparrow into a fury, bucking and racing dangerously in a circle, trampling the ground in a frenzy.
Giallyn, a humble song sparrow smashes the left leg of Rathan.
Giallyn, a humble song sparrow smashes the right leg of Rathan.
Giallyn, a humble song sparrow crushes the right arm of Rathan.
Giallyn, a humble song sparrow crushes the left arm of Rathan.

You tell Ranadae d'Murani, Epicurean Ripost, "My my. It's certainly strange to see you awake."

Ranadae tells you, "Aren't you incredibly delighted?"

You tell Ranadae d'Murani, Epicurean Ripost, "Yes. My heart is aflutter and my song is renewed?"

Ranadae tells you, "You will sing from the mountain tops, I suspect."

You tell Ranadae d'Murani, Epicurean Ripost, "Yes yes, and frolic delightfully in the meadows with small woodland creatures."

Ranadae tells you, "Please refrain from mailing me your undergarments. I don't think my heart could take it."

(Market): You say, "Selling 27 dingbats. Sensible offers for a quick sale, please."

Ixion tells you, "1cr per."

You tell Supreme Commander Kalas Ixion, The Devouring Blade, "Round it up to 30 and they are yours."

Ixion tells you, "28 and a rib."

You tell Supreme Commander Kalas Ixion, The Devouring Blade, "Haha, okay."

Ixion tells you, "Transfer, and meet at plex."

You transfer 27 dingbats to Ixion.

Ixion has transferred 28 credits to you.

Ixion's eyes gleam with generosity.

Ixion gives a snapped rib bone to you.

You call out "Thank you."

Your eyes sparkle with amusement.

"Heh heh heh" Ixion chuckles.

Ixion waves goodbye.

You wave goodbye.

I am not usually a fan of self-quotes, but the one from Pectus humoured me so greatly that I thought to share one of my own.

I found this hilarious. It certainly put a smile on my face. Thanks, mate.

Akui tells you, "Oh, question! When you bash and the target shields, do you blanknote it or wait for
it to hit you or what? Because I'm like, "CLEAVE BITCHES!" and my lute is like "no.""

(Glade): Enyalida says, "How are you doing, Orboran?"
(Glade): Orboran says, "Not bad! Just relocating some finks to... the dirt."