"Rowrr!" I jumped back and reflexively swiped at the nose that was mere inches
from my face when I opened my eyes at the end of my meditation. Fexine nimbly
dodged the blow and returned to her post to peer anxiously into my eyes.

"Did you see any sign of her?"

I shook my head, and heard her worry and fear echoed in my own voice. "No,
purrsheh, there was no sign of her."

After a quick nuzzle on my shoulder, Fexine stood and offered me her hand so
that I could rise. "Don't blame yourself, Lleri. It happens eventually for
everyone. Even Ekaterina."

Her words did little to ease my weariness as I let her lead me toward the
lodge. When I glanced back, the Tree of Wisdom filled my sight. How many times
had I sat at Ekaterina's feet as she relaxed beneath it's carved branches and
told stories of old to all who would listen? How many times had I waited with
others for her to return from her meditations to tell us of the visions she had
seen? Were those days really at an end?

A hush fell over the meeting room as I entered the circle of benches where the
village elders sat. Standing near the firepit, I turned around slowly, giving a
respectful nod to each elder and let my gaze briefly pass over the assembled
aslaran standing behind, before describing my meditations and admitting my
failure to find any trace of my quarry.

When I had finished, Meroww stood and addressed us all. "Nine times we have
searched for our sister, and nine times we have failed. Nine times those who
were closest to her opened their senses and called her name, and nine times she
refused to answer. Nine times have we gathered and waited to hear word that she
would return to us, and nine times have we been disappointed. Ekaterina has
passed beyond our reach. Let the Death Watch begin."

* * * * *

Water exploded outward as the remains of the shattered vase fell to the floor
with a satisfying crash.

"Going to throw anything else? I only ask so I'll know if I need to move the
valuable stuff to another room."

"Dammit, Fexine! It's so unfair. Who does he think he is to declare Death
Watch?" I hated the edge of a whine I heard in my own voice, but couldn't
manage to keep it out.

"Let me think about this one… Who does he think he is… Perhaps… Chieftain of
Shanthmark? He's Raja, Lleri, it's part of his job."

I turned toward her with a growl, but was brought up short by the compassion in
her eyes - and the cudgel in her hand. "Break all the crockery you want,
pursheh, but try to unleash your frustration on me, and you're going to sleep
for a long time."

The anger and energy drained out of me once I stopped moving, and I dropped to
the floor. "It's not fair."

"It's not."

"We could keep looking."

"We could."

"She might come back."

"There's always that chance."

Fexine settled next to me and threw a robe over both our shoulders. "Anything
is possible, Lleri. But, is it fair to the village to wait forever? Shouldn't
everyone who loved her be allowed a chance to mourn and move on?"

"Give up on her, you mean? I can't. Not while there's any chance."

I felt her soft sigh. "The Death Watch lasts nine years, persheh. Maybe she'll
contact us before it's done."

"That's not enough. I'm not going to just sit by and wait. I'm going to look
for her. Really look for her. If she's in Zirvheengra then that's where I'll go
to find her. And bring her home."

The silence stretched as she considered my words. "How?"

* * * * *

I breathed deeply, savoring the pleasant smells of the surrounding flowers as I
gazed around the beautiful meadow with satisfaction. With a start I recognized
the smell of wild carrots among the flowers. I'd never wanted to eat a carrot
more. I felt one of my ears twitch as I fought off the craving and hopped
toward the distant tree-line. A shadow fell across me even as I realized that
my body was not my own. A sharp, keening cry tore through the silence, and I
felt an incoming rush of air as I grabbed control of the dream, spun around,
and with a primal cry struck the plummeting hawk.

As the bird retreated in shock, I felt my body shift from the rabbit shape into
my own aslaran form. Breathing deeply, I forced by heart rate to slow as I took
stock of my surroundings.

The short meadow grass was still green and beautiful, and the smell of flowers
still saturated the air, but the light seemed dimmer, although there were not
any clouds in the sky.

As I walked toward the distant trees, the light continued to fade until I was
walking in a continual dusk. As I peered into the distance I noticed that no
matter how far I walked, the treeline didn't seem to get any closer. I walked
faster and faster, but the trees continued to remain the same distance away. I
heard myself growling my frustration as I ran full speed, finally springing
forward, jumping toward my destination.

My arms windmilled through the air as my body flew wildly over the treetops,
which were suddenly beneath my feet. I fought to control my body, but the
momentum of my jump kept me shooting forward, now tumbling head over heels,
until I slammed into the trunk of a large tree.

My eyes flew open as I cried out in pain and shot to my feet. As I peered
through the smoke filling the meditation room and tasted the bitterness of
betyl leaves, I knew that I had once again failed to reach Zirvheengra, the
land beyond dreams.

I flexed my arms and legs, feeling their soreness. The tree I had collided with
might exist only in dreams, but my body still complained about the incident.

With a sigh I opened the door of the room and stepped through to plummet into
swirling sand and blinding light, landing face-down on a rocky surface.

Struggling onto my hands and knees, I began to crawl forward. As my eyes
adjusted to the blazing light, I realized that I was in the midst of a vast
desert of white and yellow sands. I continued to crawl forward, determined to
keep going, struggling to remember why I was here and what was so vitally
important.

The heat of the sun beat down on my back, forcing me to gasp for breath as I
struggled to move forward.

Move my hands one more time. Move my knees one more time. Move my hands. Move
my knees.

With each repetition, my body sank lower by a fraction of an inch. Each time,
it was just a little harder to move again. By sheer force of will, I continued
to push forward until I was literally squirming forward on my stomach, my head
so close to the desert floor I couldn't see what lay ahead of me.

Finally, I couldn't force my body to move another step. "Why?" I screamed in
desperation.

"If you don't like it, change it," a raspy voice whispered in both my ears at
once.

My body froze, and I felt my back tense as I waited for the blow that didn't
come.

* * * * *

I blinked my eyes rapidly as the ground before me blurred. When my vision
cleared, I was reliving a long forgotten memory, every bit as tangible as the
dreamscape I'd been crawling through.

Pumping my legs as fast as I could, I ignored the searing pain in my side and
pushed my body forward. Even as I watched their forms pull further and further
away, I stubbornly refused to call out for them to slow down or wait.

Better to be left behind than to admit weakness.

Instead, I began an internal chant, "Faster, Lleri, faster! Faster, Lleri,
faster!" My feet hit the ground in time with the syllables. My internal voice
speeded up, forcing my running tempo to increase to match.

I felt my hair stream behind me as my body almost literally flew over the
grass. I was going to catch them! I wasn't going to be left behind!

The burrow hole appeared without warning. My toe caught the edge and I slammed
bruisingly into the ground.

* * * * *

The memory faded away as, slowly, I pushed my body upward until I was standing.
As I circled slowly and scanned the sprawling dessert around me, I tried to
control my breathing - the better to listen.

"Who?" I gasped. "Where?"

The laugh was even raspier than the words had been. "Right here, my love." I
felt something soft slide across the back of my neck, but when I spun around,
no one was in sight.

"You think you're looking, but you're not. Open your eyes, Lleri." The voice
was behind me again, so close I could feel breath on the back of my neck. As I
turned, the breath strengthened until it was a cool breeze blowing off of the
ocean I faced as I finished my circuit.

"That's right," the voice was encouraging now as I took a tentative step toward
the blue expanse. "But not nearly as helpful as if you went this way."

With a jolt, I felt my hands grabbed and I shot into the air.

* * * * *

Again, my vision briefly blurred as the memory surged back.

I struggled not to whimper from the pain in my knees, as I was pulled into
comforting arms.

"Lleri, Lleri, why do you insist on going before you're old enough? The hunters
don't need your help, yet." The words were chiding, but the tone was kind.

"I'm big enough, if they'd just give me a chance, Rina."

Ekaterina laughed as she sat on a hillock and cradled me in her arms. "You'll
be grown soon enough, little one. Enjoy your time before the Portal. You'll
never be able to get it back."

As I leaned against her solid shoulder and watched the figures of the hunters
recede ever farther into the distance, I couldn't suppress a mutinous thought
that there was nothing great about being too young to matter.

As if she could read my thoughts, Ekaterina answered them softly, "This is an
important time, Lleri. It shapes not only who you are but also who you will be.
When you are old enough to enter the Portal of Fate, you will forget much, but
who you are will remain."

"I'm ready. I can hunt and take care of myself. Everyone says I'm a good boy.
What more could be needed?"

I could feel her suppress a laugh. "Little one, you body is strong and your
manners are commendable, but your spirit has much to do and learn. Once you go
through the Portal, quiet meditation and sleep-filled dreams will no longer be
enough to replenish yourself. You will have to travel to Zirvheengra, the land
beyond dreams."

"I know that!" I snapped. Why was she telling me things that every kit knew?

"You've seen others make the journey. You've seen their bodies be enveloped by
translucent fire and fold into the Other while their spirit travels where no
flesh can go? I know it looks exciting, but the feeling that everything in you
has frozen up is a difficult one to experience. Only a mature spirit can endure
the first few journeys without fearing to come back."

Her words caused me to remember the ones I had known and the countless others I
had heard of who had traversed the Portal of Fate only to disappear completely
from the Basin not long after. Had they been afraid to come back?

"And then there is the seduction of Zirvheengra. It is hard to explain to one
who has never been there, Lleri."

I sat quietly as she gathered her thoughts. No one had ever spoken to me of the
hidden knowledge of the mature, before. I didn't dare disturb her, didn't dare
risk her suddenly deciding not to tell me after all.

"Try to imagine seeing everything very clearly. Not with your eyes, but with
your heart. Try to picture a place of extreme beauty, with everything you enjoy
in its best form about you. Try to imagine what it would be like to have access
to the answers of the most difficult questions you've ever wondered about.

"Hold that place in your mind. You haven't even come close to envisioning
Zirvheengra."

"Zirvheengra is a place that refreshes and renews the spirit as no other place
can. That is why we go there. Only with that level of renewal available to us
can we study the deeper mysteries or push our bodies to their fullest.

"But, Zirvheengra can be difficult to leave. The only way to break from its
allure when you are young is to have a strong enough bond to the Basin to call
you back. That is why it is important to grow and mature before you enter the
Portal.

"Your bond needs to be not with the people you love - who may not always be
here - and the things you enjoy - which will not always be constant - but with
the Basin itself. You must know and love this world with every fiber of your
being so that no matter how much you want to stay in Zirvheengra you want to
come back home more."

She sat quietly for so long I was sure she was finished. I dared voice a
question, "Then why do the elders sometimes stay? Isn't their bond with the
Basin the strongest of all?"

"It would seem that would be so, but sometimes those who have made the
transition many times will choose to break their bond with the Basin and stay
in Zirvheengra. I suspect that there is much we see and know while there that
refuses to return with us and this may cause some to wish to stay. However each
individual has reasons of his or her own and unless they choose to share those
reasons with us, we cannot know."

* * * * *

Memory again receeded as we landed atop a hill surrounded by rolling
grasslands, I turned to my guide and realized I didn't know what to ask.

"Don't ask your questions of me, my love. Ask her."

When I turned my head to see where she was pointing, I cried out with surprise.
Ekaterina was climbing the hill and walking toward me with the smile I knew so
well.

"So, Lleri. Still not satisfied to accept what is? Still so determined to
change the world to your will?"

She sat gracefully upon a flat rock and gestured that I join her. I eagerly
complied, but discovered that I did not know how to begin, now that I had found
her at last.

Finally, she broke the silence. "It is a difficult journey to get here, Lleri.
I wonder if you have remembered anything?"

"I have! Unless it's a false vision… I remember trying to join the hunters when
I was a kit and you telling me about Zirvheengra and why it is important to be
ready before entering the Portal…"

"It is a true memory, Lleri. You were always so eager to have your own way. So
sure that you didn't need to wait for anything. It could be very trying." She
chuckled softly. "When we travel through the Portal many memories are lost to
us, but they are not truly gone. They simply wait in Zirvheengra for us to
rediscover them."

We sat quietly for a time in companionable silence. Finally, I could hold my
thoughts in no longer. "Meroww has declared Death Watch for you. He believes
you will never come back and are dead to us."

She nodded her head gravely. "He has done well. I know it tore his heart to do
it, but he is a wise leader who knows what is best for his people." She
chuckled at my shocked expression. "You thought you were the only one who
fought against reality? All who love want to deny the nature of things. All who
care want those they cherish to stay with them forever."

"But, why?!? Why have you chosen to break your ties with us? Why do you abandon
your people? Don't you know how much we need you?"

"Lleri, you now remember what I told you so long ago. You, yourself, have made
the journey to Zirvheengra many times and have experienced the knowledge and
wonders available to us here that we can take only wisps of back to the Basin
with us. As many times as you have made the journey, I have made it a thousand
fold more. I am tired of forgetting. I want to know. I want to learn.

"As for abandoning my people, I have done my best for them. I have taught
others enough to take my place. I have left them you, Lleri. You have the
knowledge and the fire to teach the past while seeking the future. You will
have to help them now.

"Death Watch is a right and proper closure. But, it doesn't just say goodbye to
the past. It allows all to welcome the future."

I reflexively closed my eyes as she leaned over to kiss me tenderly on my
forehead. When I opened my eyes I knew that I was in the Basin once more. I had
a job to do. It was time for me to do it.