For those who already know, this needs no explanation. For those of you unaware, you will undoubtedly come across a rather grumpy-looking silverback gorilla in your travels along the Basin of Life, most times at my side. He tends to say whatever happens to come to mind without thinking it through. He is also quite the swindler, amongst other things. That being said, I have compiled a list of reasons why he is never allowed to wander the First World anymore. They are:

 

Referred to Lord Nocht as Papa Shoosh while at the Aetherplex with no less than eight people within earshot, including several that lived in the Glomdoring.

 

When told never to refer to Him as that again by several people, Thaldorn reverted to loudly calling Him Shoosh Daddy.

 

Of course, this rascal goes with Papa Shaddap after being told Shoosh Daddy was even worse!

 

Told quite a few unsuspecting novices that hugging a Demon Lord that goes by the name of Ashtorath would complete their weavely chores instantly.

 

When THAT didn't work, he began telling them that hugging said Demon Lord would earn them 25 credits for being nice. One novice actually listened. I am still VERY sorry about that!

 

Imploded an allied aethership from New Celest in a single shot because "the name sounded Magnagoran". The aethership's name? Ankh, also known as the Harmony of Metal.

 

Had the absolute gall to request entry into the Engine of Transformation because he wanted to tell Ardrak that their face and the backside of Nemach bore an uncanny resemblance to one another. Aye, I heard him say that word for word to one of the citizens with enough rank to officially make such decisions.

 

When he was told no, he walked in anyway and proceeded to make crude and extremely inappropriate comments regarding the shape of Magnagora's Nexus before deliberately mimicking quotation gestures while referring to the Taint that occasionally oozes forth from it. He then referenced the action taken by the residents of the Engine whenever the need to venture into the nation's nexus world would arise.

 

That was when he told Ardrak his thoughts on the uncanny resemblance between their face and Nemach's-- not their face.

 

Waited until I was distracted before sneaking off to tell a novice that the Lady of Lagoons liked to be called "Swamp Hag". I haven't seen that child since.

 

Bet Kamalei Ironhammer that the roc mother would eat me when I'd been carried off while exploring Oleanvir Valley.

 

Instead of helping, fell to the ground crying with laughter when the same thing happened to Kamalei a few months later.

 

He laughed yet again when his wife Lanivara was flown off with. She wanted to kill him for that one.

 

Called Ironbeard a drunken leprechaun to his face last Solstice, then wondered why Ironbeard never gave him a present again.

 

Always greets my wife Ashira with the words "It wasn't me this time!" the moment she finds her way to us.

 

Attempted to say the same thing to HIS wife and almost received a tahto covered almost entirely with sharp metal spikes embedded into his head.

 

Repeatedly attempts to charge an application fee whenever someone requests to be recruited into the squad that I'm leading. At least he's somewhat honest with that. He actually blurts out that their application coul be rejected. Oh, and there's no refunds. The fee is 1 million gold. Seriously, Thaldorn?!

 

Attempted to stuff Kamalei through the portal that is usually the exit leading off of the ship. The problem? We were hunting the dragons of Aetherspace. And Kamalei was fast asleep.

 

When Thaldorn realised Kamalei would not go through the portal exit, he then tried to stuff the still sleeping dwarf into one of the three aethership turrets in an attempt to eject him from the aethership by firing him out of it.

 

He was the one who suggested that my daughter Citinia dominate a large group of people into all linking an astral node simultaneously during the most recent Final Ascension battle. When she actually DID it, everyone blamed ME. Thank you Thaldorn. Really.

 

"Oi, did you find a wall with your face or is your nose naturally pinned to the left side of your head like that?" He directed this at the Daemuru of Cardinals. While we were trying to kill him.

 

"Your teeth look like they're fighting for front and center!" THIS, he directed at the Beast of a Thousand Fates. Again, we were attempting to kill this one too!

 

Once "accidentally" pushed me off of the roof of the Black Tower in the Glomdoring, just to see if I would bounce. I did. Twice.

 

Attempted the same thing again a decade later, missed, and suddenly we could hear Akuuko screaming for dear life close by, followed by a loud crash as he collided with a group of commune members who just happened to be passing by. My sincerest apologies, Akuuko and the six people he bowled over that day!

 

Stole my new chroma pen, scribbled "Gaudiguch smells like overheated dracnari flatulence" damn near everywhere, then told people I'd done it.

 

Attempted to smuggle one of the adorable husky pups out of the Solstice Court. Got caught all three times.

 

Nearly got both of us banned the very next weave when this stubborn goof tried it a further two more times.

 

After giving up on that, stole one of my husky puppy curios and attempted to pass it off as one from the Solstice Court. I had to refund the gold someone paid him because the curio had reset to me eventually.

 

Managed to break into a family member's liquor cabinet and drank everything in it. Proceeded to pick fights with everyone and everything, from a confused pilgrim seeking out the Peak of Lord Avechna to one of the statues located around the Basin of Life. I finally found him in the Divine Havens, yelling obscenities at the statue of the Lady Creatrix there. When I asked why, he said that She looked at him funny. No, he is never allowed to drink again.

 

Had somehow managed to convince a young merian into playing hide and seek with him, saw that the merian had chosen a stock room in one of New Celest's reclaimed city shops, managed to lock the poor bloke in there somehow, then ran around telling various people that there was a child lost and they needed to find him, sending almost every citizen awake at the time frantically scouring the First World for a missing child. Of course Thaldorn was nowhere to be found six days later when they returned to the city and could hear loud banging noises coming from a known reclaimed shop. The young merian could be heard attempting to kick the door down from the inside as they arrived. That one earned me a "pleasant" meeting with a few members of the Star Council.

 

Hung a painting of Gurashi in the office of the Witness a day or two following their being appointed as my second-in-command of th Archons that had been sketched an obscene number of times, using the sketch created beforehand as the new reference, the end result painted onto newly stretched canvas and exhibited in Gurashi's new office.

 

Attempted to convince Sergei Drabardi to "take a walk" with him in an attempt to do a re-enactment of a scene in one of our plays where he'd dropped Sergio into the Toronada from the sky for not letting him into the Ascension Gala.

 

Somehow convinced someone from Ironhart Collective (as the alliance was called then) to hang a stocking for me… right next to Ashtorath. That one backfired on him. I accepted my certain death and succeeded in unwrapping that stocking before Ashtorath physically showed me exactly what he thought about my presence there. I mean, a simple "GET OUT" would have been fine...

 

Removed the threads from every dreamcatcher he could get to while visiting the City of Freedom one day, stuffed them into the Pool of Stars the moment he made it back, then returned to Gaudiguch to tell them I'd done it.

 

Did it again, then, instead of destroying them like he did previously, attempted to sell them back to the person who had returned to retrieve them. That one almost got him killed. By me.

 

Decided to "test his new breath attack" while I was attempting to gather the merian and krokani wandering about the city. Accidentally killed three, then fled the scene as people made their way to me, wondering what was going on.

 

"So if you die, can I have your stuff?" Asked. Constantly.

 

Would also attempt to bribe everything and everyone to kill me, from the commander stationed within the Waste Facility to one of the potential thirteen nodes that may be found on the Astral Plane with gold he didn't even have in his possession to begin with.

 

Would tell people he would return shortly. "Shortly" turned out to be the following weave twelve days later. 

 

Once managed to convince Rheimos in Magnagora to lock Kamalei in one of the cages in their zoo. He didn't tell me anything until Kamalei re-appeared three days later with his warhammer drawn and demanding to know where Thaldorn was.

 

Tells everyone he doesn't particularly care for that Rheimos was just there and was asking where that person was.

 

Once purchased fifty cookies, then had the bloody nerve to get mad and attempt to eat the shopkeeper when all fifty cookies were revealed to be of the sugarless oatmeal variety. If anyone has access to that recipe, I will purchase 100 of them, for purely non-nefarious reasons, I assure you.

 

To him, the current Herald of Sacrifice in the Archons of Dawning Hope is not Gurashi. They are Bizirik's Pet.

 

That reminds me, he's a terrible influence on poor Bizirik!

 

Repeatedly pokes fun at Lanivara, then has the absolute nerve to wonder why she's mad at him. She's chasing him as I write this in fact. Kamalei and I have a wager that he returns with that spiked tahto of Lanivara's stuck in his head this time.

 

Repeatedly calls the krokani in both Castle Djarrakh and the temple in Kryden Valik "ugly one-eyed Taint rejects".

 

Told Korath in the Catacombs to, and I quote, "swan-dive your ugly arse off of the Skybridge" several times. Why? Because Korath ignored his request to replace one of the Gatekeepers.

 

Repeatedly attempted to break the lift in the Magisterium's new lighthouse by constantly jumping as high as he can and landing with all of his weight. Though his landings were extremely noisy and caused a near-deafening racket every single time his feet would hit the metal floor, the lift kept going strong.

 

He broke the one that takes everyone to Clarramore Gardens.

 

…and the one in i'Xii Asylum.

 

He refers to the demi-divine power called thunderclap as "Demigod Roulette", then proceeds to laugh hysterically, no matter which unlucky soul was chosen to, and I quote, "Learn ejection the hard way". 

 

"Sir, let me see if I'm understanding this right: you took the LUMINares out of New Celest and are now a Great House in the Glomdoring, the SHADOWed forest?!" Aye, he said that word for word. Emphasis in capitals included. To Sir Caleb's face.

 

Almost broke New Celest's merry-go-round in the city park because he absolutely insisted on climbing up on its roof. The merry-go-round was not pleased and decided to let him know that.

 

Knowing that Luce absolutely hates spiders, Thaldorn snuck off with my completed tarantula curio, delivered it and let Luce assume it was under my command.

 

Has tried to repeatedly blow up my tavern stage.

 

Bribed someone (with WHAT I have no clue) to evoke a great pentagram at New Celest's stage so I couldn't go anywhere near it. I was their Minister of Cultural Affairs at the time.

 

He had the same person do it again with Lanikai as I was headed there with her seahorse in tow because she'd been looking for him.

 

Managed to get Faragan to want to put a muzzle on him. That one was impressive.

 

We actually DID try to put one on him. I never in my life thought these words would ever be written in the same sentence: He ate the bloody muzzle.

 

Volunteered to write our marriage contract when my wife and I decided to take a possibility and consider making it a reality. Proceeded to make it all about him. "Thaldorn gets half of the marital assets once the union is official." Keep dreaming, you spawn of Nemach.

 

I may be forgetting a few, but that's enough for now I think!

 

Aye, he can definitely be a handful, but I will readily admit: he is there and ready when it matters. Nonetheless, I'm pretty certain he's going to have a list like this with my name and likeness written all over it once he hears about THIS one! I anxiously await your response, Thornfist!

 

Until next time, farewell!