'A Matter of Convenience'

Major Characters:

Lord Raat Eepex, Master Artist

Lady Indruk Xibak, Master Scientist

Kroek Exley, Butler to Lord Eepex

Telofrey Hiliah, abigail to Lady Xibak

Minor Characters:

Sheeloh Cloudsinger, an artist

Tiloney Alee, an artist

Cefron Swee, a serial philanderer

Etter Swalgron, a nobody

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies

Act I Scene I

Heavy curtains rise to reveal a handsome and expensive-looking gentleman's
study. A lucidian reclines in a chair, obviously a noble. He is wearing a velvet
jacket and sipping a cognac, his feet directed towards the fire that crackles in
the hearth. The atmosphere is comfortable, but the gentleman appears troubled.

Lord Eepex stares thoughtfully into the air, absently sipping from his glass
from time to time. At length he appears to reach a decision. He stands up and
crosses the room. A silk rope hangs from the ceiling near the doorway. Lord
Eepex tugs on the rope and a bell is heard to clang somewhere inside the manor.

Lord Eepex settles back into his chair, putting his legs up on the footstool in
front of him. His crystalline skin is glowing a jaunty yellow colour.

The door opens and a tall lucidian clad in a sober black uniform appears. He
flips back the tails of his spruce black coat and performs a stiff bow to Lord
Eepex.

Kroek Exley: My Lord Eepex.

Lord Eepex: Ah, Exley, prompt as always. I did not interrupt your juggling
again, I hope?

Exley: I never juggle, m'Lord. I'm told it is unseemly behaviour in a butler.

Lord Eepex: You've been listening to the likes of Lady Xibak again, Exley? I
believe I engaged you to follow my orders, not those of my unbending peers.

Exley: (idly juggling with his coat-pin) Very good, m'Lord.

Lord Eepex: Now then. I summoned you, my good Exley, because I have reached a
crisis in my life. Has that ever happened to you? The sensation is not
dissimilar to taking an unexpected and lamentably brief journey from the top of
the city down to the Teeth.

Exley: Is that a matter of personal experience, my Lord?

Lord Eepex: Yes, my good Exley. Direct comparison is indeed within my power.

Exley: I cannot say I have experienced either sensation, my Lord.

Lord Eepex: We must consider that to be a good thing, Exley. As to the nature of
my personal crisis, it is a matter of... expansion, shall I say?

Lord Eepex: (idly swirling the cognac in his glass) I enjoy a position at the
apex of Hallifaxian society; my creations are appropriately fawned over at every
auction, and multitudes flock to view my plays. I am in possession of good
looks, fine health and utterly appalling wealth. And yet I have felt, recently,
that something is missing. What could it be, my good Exley, you no doubt ask?

Exley: I was just going to ask that, m'Lord.

Lord Eepex: (holding his glass up to the light and watching the play of colour)
Naturally. What is missing is dynasty, Exley. A suitable lady of the house, and
a horde of adorable and highly appropriate little Eepexes. In short, my good
Exley, I have decided that it is time for me to marry.

Kroek Exley appears to be lost for words.

Lord Eepex: What, no comment at all? No expressions of enthusiasm or undying
support for my new venture? How disappointing.

Exley: I am only surprised, my Lord. What of your... lady friends?

Lord Eepex: Oh, highly unsuitable, Exley, I know. Not a tolerable Lady Eepex
among them.

Exley: (with a slight cough) What I meant, my Lord, is, ah... perhaps the future
Lady Eepex might object to the... number of them?

Lord Eepex: (frowns and then waves a hand airily) Of course, Exley. You do bore
a person with your details. Discourage them all, by all means.

Exley: Very good, my Lord.

Lord Eepex: Before you do that, there is a more important matter requiring our
attention.

Exley: What is that, my Lord?

Lord Eepex: Why, the identity of this very Lady Eepex. I expect you to be very
active in my service in this matter, Exley. I require a great deal in a wife.

Lord Eepex: In the first place, she must be of reasonably high station.
Obviously. In the second, she must be good-looking. None of those women of
'distinguished' features and no dress sense.

Lord Eepex: In the third, she must be a trill. I grow tired to death of the
frosty lucidian women of my acquaintance. Not a tolerable sense of humour among
them. They look like a row of statues lined up at the dances.

Exley (discreetly making notes in a small notebook) All important qualities, my
Lord. Shall there be anything else?

Lord Eepex: (thoughtfully) I would like someone a little bit younger than I,
Exley. Terribly vulgar to say it, I know, but there it is. Smooth skin and the
sort of ...feathers that defy gravity.

Exley: Of course, my Lord. I will have a list of eligibles drawn up immediately.

Lord Eepex: (toasting the butler with his glass) Beautiful, Exley. I may even
remember about that raise I owe you.

Kroek Exley bows stiffly and retreats from the room, closing the door quietly
behind him.

Lord Eepex hums a jaunty tune, gleaming bright yellow now in his satisfaction.
He drains the dregs of his cognac and settles back in his chair with his eyes
closed and a small smile on his face.

Act I Scene II

The scene ripples and changes to large dressing-room, prettily decorated in pale
yellow wallpaper. Several large mirrors are arranged around the room for the
convenience of the mistress. Lady Indruk Xibak stands before her wardrobe,
dressed in a magnificent twilight-blue silk gown. Her trill maid stands behind
her, fastening the tiny buttons that run up the back of the dress.

Lady Xibak: I confess myself to be entirely bored by the prospect of another
ball, Telofrey. One knows that nobody will be there; nobody worth speaking to,
that is.

Telofrey Hiliah: Oh, but madam, surely it will not be so bad! There will be that
handsome Xeothi Oolin to talk to, even if he is married; and you know you always
like to see Lady Shevat.

Lady Xibak: True, yes, there will be some small advantages to the event. But
these things, you know, may be done without suffering the indignities of a
ballroom.

Telofrey Hiliah finishes the buttons on her mistress's gown, and expertly
smoothes out the fabric of her skirt. Lady Indruk Xibak moves to take a seat at
her dressing-table, expressionlessly observing her reflection in the mirror.

Lady Xibak: The abhorrent Cefron Swee will flirt with me again, and I will
probably be forced to dance with Feoh Skysoarer, who simply cannot be detested
enough. I shall arrive home feeling in urgent need of... taking a bath.

Telofrey Hiliah: I will have the baths made ready for your return, madam.

Lady Xibak: (with a small smile) How obliging of you, Telofrey.

Telofrey Hiliah produces a set of soft clothes from her pockets and proceeds to
gently buff and polish the elegant facets of her mistress's head and face,
working with the speed and confidence of long experience.

Telofrey Hiliah: You are looking remarkably well, my Lady, if I may say so. I am
sure it is a compliment to your beauty that these men should so wish for your
company.

Lady Xibak: (with a sigh) How sweet of you, Telofrey, but I must disagree. It is
a matter of wealth and station as much as it is a matter of looks.

Lady Indruk Xibak pauses for a moment.

Lady Xibak: Actually, Telofrey, I fear that with the gentlemen named it is in
fact a matter of merely possessing female attributes, and not being in
possession of male ones. Nothing more is required.

Telofrey Hiliah giggles softly.

Telofrey Hiliah: (completing her ministrations) There, madam. I'll just fetch
your shoes.

Lady Indruk Xibak thoughtfully regards her reflection in the mirror.

Lady Xibak: Perhaps there is another explanation for my reluctance, Telofrey. I
tire of my solitariness, perhaps. I certainly tire of my position as an eligible
female 'on the market', to be pawed at by all and sundry.

Telofrey Hiliah (pulling a box from the vast wardrobe and carefully unpacking a
pair of glittering glass shoes) Maybe so, madam. But I thought you weren't
interested in marriage?

Lady Xibak: Oh... when I was younger and shinier, quite true, with a career to
develop and a head full of scientific theory. Do you know, I am approaching my
hundredth birthday?

Telofrey Hiliah: Indeed, my Lady, and what a joyous event that will be! No doubt
there will be a party at the manor, and everyone will be invited!

Lady Xibak: (expressionlessly) Joyous.

Lady Indruk Xibak rises from her chair with a sigh, and steps into the shoes
Telofrey is holding for her.

Telofrey Hiliah: (looking her mistress over with a quick eye for detail) Almost
perfect, madam. Shall you wear the diamonds or the sapphires?

Lady Xibak: Oh, your choice tonight, Telofrey. Only be quick about it, so I may
hurry to my doom. With bated breath, I believe they do say. What in the world
does that mean?

Telofrey Hiliah arranges a stunning string of sapphires around Lady Xibak's neck
and fastens the clasp.

Lady Xibak: (slightly hesitant) I do believe I was serious a moment ago,
Telofrey.

Telofrey Hiliah: About the party, madam?

Lady Xibak: Gracious, no. About the husband.

Telofrey Hiliah: (surprised) Oh! Well, madam, if you were to wish to be married
I've no doubt it will be the easiest thing in the world. Was there someone in
particular you had in mind?

Lady Xibak: That is the difficult part, Telofrey. I am attempting to think of
the pleasant gentlemen I know, but all I can see in my mind is a succession of
puppies with Cefron Swee's detestable face.

Telofrey Hiliah settles a fur cape around Lady Xibak's shoulders and tucks a
lavender skybloom into the collar.

Telofrey Hiliah: I could make some enquiries for you, my Lady. I've many friends
among the servants in the Great Houses. Would you wish to know about the
eligibles?

Lady Xibak: The eligibles. Is that an official term?

Telofrey Hiliah: (with a laugh) Oh, well. I believe it's what the gentlemen call
the ones they marry instead of the ones they only...

Telofrey Hiliah coughs and stops speaking.

Lady Xibak: (blandly) How very unattractive. By all means, Telofrey, compose me
a list of these 'eligibles' among the gentlemen, but there are some criteria to
bear in mind.

Telofrey Hiliah: I would expect a discerning lady like yourself to have
criteria, my Lady, naturally.

Lady Xibak: Naturally. A high position is required, or at least a respectable
position with the potential to rise. No one of lesser rank than a Burgher,
please.

Telofrey Hiliah: Of course, my Lady.

Lady Xibak: (with a long sigh) I believe I would prefer a trill husband. Someone
with some liveliness, and energy, and wit. All of those things I increasingly
seem to lack.

Telofrey Hiliah: I'm sure I don't know anyone wittier than my Lady. Nor
livelier.

Lady Xibak (slightly raising one sardonic brow) Undoubtedly. One further point,
Telofrey.

Telofrey Hiliah: Yes madam?

Lady Xibak: Liveliness I would like, but unsuitable youth I would not. Please
find me a gentleman of appropriate maturity and sophistication.

Telofrey Hiliah: With all possible speed, madam. Is My Lady ready for her
carriage now?

Lady Xibak: Yes, please call it at once.

Lady Indruk Xibak leaves the room in the wake of her quick-moving maid, and the
stage darkens.

Act I Scene III

The scene ripples and changes to a ballroom crowded with well-dressed lucidian
and trill guests. The deep, ringing voice of a herald periodically sounds,
announcing the arrival of some new member of the Hallifaxian nobility.

The tall figure of Lord Raat Eepex appears in the great doorway, and the herald
bangs his staff.

Herald: The Master Artist, Lord Raat Eepex!

Lord Eepex strolls into the room looking relaxed. He turns immediately towards a
stately figure positioned opposite the herald, a lady wearing a ceremonial
stole.

Lord Eepex: Ah, Lady Ceremony, how delightful to see you.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: Always so charming, Lord Eepex.

Lord Eepex: I do try, Ms. Greywing. I intend to make use of your infinite social
talents, if you will allow me.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: Only name the individual, and I
shall be delighted to introduce you.

Lord Eepex: (with a slight cough) Ah... yes. Individuals, to be precise. Is
there a...

Lord Raat Eepex pauses, flickering green in shades of confusion. He draws a
piece of paper from his pocket and consults it surreptitiously.

Lord Eepex: Ah, yes. Is there a lady of the name of Sheeloh Cloudsinger present?

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: (pointing out a slim trill figure)
That is the young lady dressed in the pink and yellow silk, currently without a
partner. Do you desire an introduction, my Lord?

Lord Eepex: All in good time, Lady Ceremony. How about Tiloney Alee?

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: Miss Alee is in attendance with
her mother and three younger sisters. You see them there, wearing the olive
tones.

Lord Eepex: Capital. What of Lady Theaga Nive? I do at least know her by sight,
I am relieved to add, though I do not see her at present.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: (delicately) Lady Nive was just
seen leaving the ballroom with Cefron Swee, my Lord.

Lord Eepex: (coolly) Oh, indeed?

Lord Eepex smartly draws a line through one of the names on his list.

Lord Eepex: (cheerfully) That leaves the two, doesn't it? Lead on, Lady
Ceremony. I believe I will begin with Miss Cloudsinger.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies smiles and leads Lord Eepex to the
side of the fair lady in pink. The introduction is swiftly performed, obviously
to the delight of the lady, and Chadrah Greywing discreetly withdraws.

Lord Eepex: (bowing) Miss Cloudsinger. You do look quite radiant.

Sheeloh Cloudsinger: (laughing trillingly) Oh, do you like my gown? It is my own
work. I am an artist, you know. I designed it to look like the dawn.

Lord Eepex: (eyeing the lurid dress) Did you? Well. What a talent.

Sheeloh Cloudsinger: (brightly) And I have made a coat, and shoes, and a hat to
go with it, all in the same materials.

Lord Eepex: Delightful. Do you dance, Miss Cloudsinger?

Sheeloh Cloudsinger: And tomorrow I shall design a whole set of jewellery to
match. Pink sapphires and golden beryl. Like the dawn.

Lord Eepex: Yes, charming, but -

Sheeloh Cloudsinger: Are you in need of some new sketchbooks, Mr. Raat? I made
a whole matched set, the perfect shape and size in twenty-eight different
colours. What is your favourite colour?

Lord Eepex: (taken aback) What - I don't -

Sheeloh Cloudsinger: (eyeing Lord Eepex in a familiar manner) Perhaps you would
like a new coat! I have the best idea. I will make it very colourful, with a
paintbrush embroidered on the collar - because you are an artist, you know, like
me. Possibly a hat to match?

Lord Eepex: (bowing hastily and talking over Sheeloh's attempts to interrupt) I
do see an old acquaintance I must just speak to. Will you excuse me, Miss
Cloudsinger?

Lord Eepex backs away hastily and rapidly puts most of the ballroom between
himself and the lady in pink. He almost collides with a gaggle of women wearing
similar shades of olive-green.

Lord Eepex: (stopping abruptly) Ah, Madam Alee, I believe?

Cilemre Alee: (curtseying) Lord Eepex.

Lord Eepex: And all your daughters.

Cilemre Alee: My eldest, Miss Tiloney Alee. Miss Ilaerah Alee. Miss Daevea Alee,
and -

Lord Eepex: (looking at Tiloney) Yes, charmed. Miss Alee, would you care to
dance?

Tiloney Alee: I do not agree with dancing.

Lord Eepex: (obviously at a loss) Ah... as a general concept, or just on this
particular occasion?

Tiloney Alee: In a ballroom. It would be much better if conversation, instead of
dancing, was the purpose of the event.

Lord Eepex: (gallantly) It would be somewhat less like a ball, but I daresay you
are right, Miss Alee. Until the societal world of Hallifax reforms according to
your enlightened ideas, however, I fear we must conform; and so perhaps you
would favour me with a dance regardless?

Cilemre Alee: (with a significant glance at Tiloney) My daughter will be
delighted to dance with you, Lord Eepex.

Tiloney Alee: Mother, you know I have no intention of dancing this evening.

Lord Eepex: (smoothly) Then let it be conversation. Do you care for books, Miss
Alee?

Tiloney Alee: I do not see why reading should be so much encouraged.

Lord Eepex: Ah... art, then? Perhaps you are creative.

Tiloney Alee: There is already quite enough art being produced in this city.

Lord Eepex: (desperately) Then you must be a scientist, Miss Alee, with such an
admirably critical brain.

Tiloney Alee: Science is such a dusty pursuit. I prefer flower-pressing.

Lord Eepex: (briskly) Excellent. I wish you all success with the
flower-pressing, Miss. Alee. If you will excuse me.

Lord Eepex bows stiffly and retreats. He is soon seen striding out of the main
door, tugging at his collar, with an expression of suppressed horror on his
handsome crystalline face. He almost collides with a lady in twilight-blue silk
who is just entering the ballroom.

Lady Xibak: (glancing after Lord Eepex in surprise) Gracious, is it that bad
already?

Herald: The Master Scientist, Lady Indruk Xibak!

Lady Xibak: (wincing at the volume of the proclamation) Yes, yes... thank you.
Ah, Ms. Greywing.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: (curtseying) Lady Xibak. How may I
be of assistance?

Lady Xibak: (levelly) I would like an introduction to Mr. Etter Swalgron,
please.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: (blinking in surprise) You would?

Lady Xibak: (arching a brow) Certainly I would. And at once, please.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies turns her head to conceal an
expression of amusement. She gathers her skirts and wends her way expertly
through the crowding dancers, stopping at the side of a thin, grey-plumed trill
gentleman. Lady Xibak follows imperiously, warning dancers out of her path with
her cool stare.

Chadrah Greywing, Mistress of the Ceremonies: Mr. Swalgron, Lady Xibak has
requested the... honour of your acquaintance.

Etter Swalgron: (smiling) Has she! Spiffing.

Etter Swalgron removes his towering top hat and offers Lady Xibak an affectedly
genteel bow. He settles his hat back onto his hat as he straightens, fussing
importantly with the folds of his snow-white cravat.

Lady Xibak: (eyeing Swalgron mistrustfully) Quite an honour, no doubt.

Etter Swalgron: (tipping his hat needlessly) Why might My Lady wish to meet me?
Has the luminary brilliance of my wardrobe preceded me?

Lady Xibak: (Her eyes travelling to the absurdly tall top-hat crowning the
feathers of Swalgron) No, I cannot say that it has.

Etter Swalgron: (smiling even more broadly) Ah, the lady is coy.

Lady Xibak: The lady is puzzled as to why you are wearing a top-hat in a
ballroom.

Etter Swalgron: (his smile becoming a smirk) I could not leave dear Hat behind
in the cloakroom! Poor Hat would be lonely without Master, hm?

Lady Xibak fixes Swalgron with a frosty stare and makes no response.

Etter Swalgron: (beaming) Lady would like to dance, I'm sure. Here is a
beautiful Waltz, just made for the two of us. Quite spiffing.

Lady Xibak turns away with perfect coldness. Before she has gone two steps,
however, she is accosted by a trill gentleman with gleaming blond feathers and a
self-satisfied expression.

Cefron Swee: (taking Lady Xibak's hand familiarly and kissing it) My dear Lady
Xibak, I do believe you have been avoiding me?

Lady Xibak: (with distaste) Yes. I have.

Cefron Swee: (Tucking Lady Xibak's hand over his arm) Tsk! Where is your
ballroom etiquette, my dear Lady?

Lady Xibak: (withdrawing her hand decisively) Quite exhausted for the present.

Cefron Swee: (Recapturing her hand) I see that you are out of spirits. A dance
is what is needed to restore your good humour!

Lady Xibak: (curling her lip expressively) Did you tire of Lady Nive, or are you
hoping for an entree with your appetiser?

Lady Xibak gathers her skirts and stalks away without awaiting a response.

Lady Xibak: (heading for the exit with all possible haste) Gracious, such
abominable puppies!

Lady Xibak sweeps out of the ballroom with imperious grace, her head held high.
The ballroom doors close decisively behind her and the stage darkens.

Act I Scene IV

Light fills the stage again to reveal a servant's parlour. The room is sparsely
furnished but comfortable enough, with thick curtains and a plain rug to keep
out the cold. A tray with cups and cakes arranged upon it lies unheeded on a
table. Kroek Exley sits on the couch with Telofrey Hiliah resting in his arms.

Telofrey Hiliah: So, my love, how are you managing with Lord Eepex?

Kroek Exley: Successfully, my dear, quite successfully. I am certain he has been
having a terrible time; possibly the worst of his life. And what of your
mistress?

Telofrey Hiliah: (a little sadly) The same. My poor lady.

Kroek Exley: (gathering her closer) Do not be concerned, my heart. It will be
worth it in the end; the rewards will outweigh the pains.

Telofrey Hiliah: Certainly for us; but for them?

Kroek Exley: (confidently) For them as well. You'll see.

The stage darkens and the heavy curtains drop, signalling the end of the first
act. The orchestra strikes up a jaunty tune to while away the interval, while
smartly-dressed trill servants appear with refreshment carts. After a decent
pause, the music fades, the servants vanish and the curtain slowly rises.

Act II Scene I

The scene is Lord Eepex's study. His Lordship is lounging in his favourite
chair, wearing an expression of grave disgust as his skin glows alternately red
and amber. Kroek Exley stands near the door with a stoic posture.

Lord Eepex: Gods above, Exley, I did not imagine you could so far fail me as to
present me with three such harpies! Did I not specify respectability and
good-breeding in my -very detailed- instructions to you?

Exley: No, sir.

Lord Eepex: No? I could have sworn that I...

Lord Eepex trails off, frowning.

Exley: I take it that your Lordship did not find any of the young ladies
suitable?

Lord Eepex: Decidedly not.

Exley: I am surprised to hear it, my Lord. I had understood that you are to be
congratulated on your forthcoming nuptials.

Lord Eepex: (opening his eyes rather wide) Ah... to whom am I to be married?

Exley: To Miss Sheeloh Cloudsinger, my Lord.

Lord Eepex: What?

Exley: And to Miss Tiloney Alee.

Lord Eepex: What?!

Exley: And also to Lady Theaga Nive.

Lord Eepex struggles out of his recumbent posture and fixes his butler with an
unfriendly glare.

Lord Eepex: I did not believe you to be in possession of a sense of humour,
Exley.

Exley: I do not recall ever being burdened with such an encumbrance, my Lord,
certainly.

Lord Eepex: (sinking back into his chair with a sigh) Well, it's not the first
time that Gossip has got the better of me. A murderously dangerous opponent.

Exley: I believe the matter began on the occasion of Lady Shevat's ball of last
week, sir. You were seen to dance with both Miss Cloudsinger and Miss Alee?

Lord Eepex: (darkly) That is the most scandalous falsehood. There was certainly
never any dancing involved.

Exley: After which you accepted an invitation to tea with Miss Cloudsinger's
mother.

Lord Eepex: That, however, is true. It seemed inconceivable that a daughter of
Lady Cloudsinger's could be so insufferably vulgar. It was necessary to
determine whether her daughter is truly as crazy as she appeared.

Exley: (delicately) And was she, my Lord?

Lord Eepex: (closing his eyes) Every bit. If I married her, I would fully expect
to be presented with little Eepex children in sets of twenty-five at once. They
would probably be colour-coordinated to match with the wallpapers in our
nursery.

Exley: Well, sir, and after that there was the tour of Clarramore with Miss
Alee?

Lord Eepex: There I was driven by curiosity, Exley. Can it really be possible
for a person to be so wholly opposed to absolutely everything? The topic of
flower-pressing was the only interest ventured by her fair self, and so I tested
it out. Something along the lines of a scientific experiment, if you will.

Exley: What was your success, sir?

Lord Eepex: Phenomenal. We spent seven hours collecting skybloom petals. Only
the white ones, as she disapproves of any shade of purple. I imagine she is
engaged with her flower-press as we speak, busily crushing the life out of them.

Exley: (his lips twitching slightly) Very good, sir. Then there is only the
matter of Lady Nive remaining.

Lord Eepex: Of what am I particularly accused there?

Exley: A morning visit was mentioned, sir. And, ah, perhaps an evening visit
also?

Lord Eepex: Oh, morning visits, a mere matter of form! I wanted to discover
whether the matter of Cefron Swee was truth, or lie. Lamentably I find that she
has indeed compromised her respectability with the help of that gentleman.
Naturally I demoted her from the position of Eligible with all due haste.

Exley: And the evening visit, my Lord?

Lord Eepex: (opening one eye) Goodness, Exley, must a man spell it out? If she
is no longer considered an eligible, there is no harm in my paying her a
friendly evening visit, hm?

Exley: (with a slight, delicate cough) Is that not a little hypocritical, sir?

Lord Eepex: (testily) Of course not. It's all a matter of -taste-, Exley. I
could never marry a woman who finds the likes of Swee irresistable.

Exley: (stiffly) Of course, my Lord. Will Your Lordship be requiring a second
list of eligibles for deliberation?

Lord Eepex: Gods, no. Your reliable judgement has proven sadly unreliable,
Exley, and another week like this one may easily kill me. I shall drop the idea
entirely.

Exley: (concealing a small, satisfied smile) Very good, sir.

The figures of Kroek Exley and Lord Eepex fade as the stage darkens, preparing
for a new scene.

Act II Scene II

Light gradually fills the stage to reveal Lady Indruk Xibak lying in the middle
of a vast four-poster bed, tucked beneath several blankets. Thick silk pillows
have been placed under her back, supporting her in a semi-recumbent posture as
she peruses a book. The severe contraction of her brow suggests that she is not
actually reading it. Telofrey Hiliah tends to her mistress, placing a glowing
heat-crystal beneath the blankets at the foot of the bed.

Lady Xibak: (absently) Thank you, Telofrey.

Telofrey Hiliah: So, my Lady, shall you be accepting Mr. Swalgron as your
betrothed? They say he's very wealthy.

Lady Xibak: (gleaming with traces of red light) I expect to hear of Mr.
Swalgron's betrothal to his hat very shortly, Telofrey. I cannot imagine there
is room in his life for a mere woman also.

Telofrey Hiliah: Oh, but madam, such a gentleman!

Lady Xibak: (frostily) The man is a commoner in a gentleman-costume. In fact I
believe he may be escaped from the mental health department of the medical
wards.

Telofrey Hiliah: What about that Mr Cefron, then, madam? The girls say there's
none so handsome!

Lady Xibak: (abandoning all pretence of reading her book) If by 'the girls' you
mean chattering servants, Telofrey, then that is about Mr. Swee's natural level.

Telofrey Hiliah: (dreamily) Those buttery-blond feathers...

Lady Xibak: One more word about Cefron Swee and I shall dock you a month's
wages, Telofrey. I am not amused.

Telofrey Hiliah: Yes, my Lady.

Lady Xibak: In fact I cannot think how you can have given me such an
astonishingly dissatisfactory list of candidates. I trusted you to show better
judgement on your mistress's behalf. Eligibles? Eligible for re-education, I
would sooner say.

Telofrey Hiliah: (turning her back to the bed to conceal her smile) I am sorry,
my Lady. They made a better account of themselves by report, I'm sure. I'll do
better with the next list!

Lady Xibak: There will be no 'next list', Telofrey. The whole venture was absurd
from the beginning. I shall think no more about the matter of marriage.

Telofrey Hiliah: Of course, madam. But I do worry about who's to take care of
you, my Lady, after this next week.

Lady Xibak: (looking up sharply) What? Are you to leave me?

Telofrey Hiliah: (modestly) I am sorry your Ladyship dislikes the idea of
marriage, but I think it a beautiful idea.

Lady Xibak: You are to be married, I collect. To whom?

Telofrey Hiliah: To Mr. Kroek Exley, madam.

Lady Xibak: Who?

Telofrey Hiliah: Lord Eepex's butler, that is.

Lady Xibak stares at her maid with an expression of frozen surprise.

Lady Xibak: You are aware, Telofrey, of how extraordinarily difficult it is to
train a good abigail?

Telofrey Hiliah: I have heard it said, madam.

Lady Xibak: So much for a servant to understand! The care of my clothes, my
shoes, my jewels, my facets, the proper organisation of my rooms - the very
drape of my train! How am I to replace you?

Telofrey Hiliah: I am sorry, madam.

Lady Xibak: Why must you leave me because you are married? Cannot you bring your
'Exley' to my household?

Telofrey Hiliah: He does not like to leave Lord Eepex.

Lady Xibak: So you are to live at Eepex Manor? That seat of debauchery? That
hotbed of moral degeneracy?

Telofrey Hiliah: I do not believe Lord Eepex to be quite that bad, my Lady!

Lady Xibak: (glowering and displaying flashes of red like lightning) The whole
idea is outrageous.

Telofrey Hiliah: (placidly) It is to be so, madam, nonetheless.

Lady Xibak: I cannot allow you to leave me.

Lady Xibak throws back her blankets and rises from her bed, and begins untying
the lacings of her voluminous white nightgown.

Lady Xibak: Dress me at once, Telofrey. Something must be done about this.

The lights are dimmed, leaving the stage in darkness for a few moments.

Act II Scene III

The lights come up to reveal Lord Eepex's study. The faithful Exley stands in
the open doorway, looking pained. Lord Eepex is on his feet at the other end of
the room, apparently incensed.

Lord Eepex: MARRIED? -You- are to be married? This is a cruel fabrication,
designed entirely to torment me! Admit that it is so, Exley.

Exley: (discretely glancing at his watch) Not at all, sir. I shall be married
next week.

Lord Eepex: (Taking a deep breath) And who is the lady?

Exley: Telofrey Hiliah, my Lord.

Lord Eepex: What manner of beast or being has such a name, Exley? You must learn
to be more specific.

Exley: Lady Xibak's maid, sir.

Lord Eepex: Lady Indruk Xibak?

Exley: Exactly so, sir.

Lord Eepex: The one they call Lady Ice?

Exley: I do not believe I have ever heard her addressed by that name, sir.

Lord Eepex: (beginning to laugh) Superb! A valued maid to Her Ladyship will be
the perfect little piece of propriety. Is she capable of emotion? Either low or
high will do; beggars cannot be choosers, and so forth!

Exley: (stiffly) She is a delightful young woman.

Lord Eepex: (sobering quickly) Ah, of course she is. Forgive me, Exley, how rude
of me. You may have the east servants' parlour to yourselves, and I will enlarge
the bedchamber immediately connecting for your joint use. A wedding gift, if you
will.

Exley: That is very kind of you, my Lord, but...

Lord Eepex: Ha! I can imagine the feelings of Lady Ice! For her own maid to join
the household of such a reprobate! Delicious.

Exley: As I was going to say, sir, we will not be needing the east parlour -

The butler is interrupted by the sound of a doorbell ringing furiously,
apparently echoing up from somewhere below.

Lord Eepex: (Delightedly) What superb timing! Such a monstrously forthright ring
can only be the work of a truly enraged woman. Let her in, Exley, let her in!

Exley: (distractedly) Ah - yes, my Lord.

Lord Eepex: (frowning suddenly) Wait, Exley, one moment. I believe I must have
misheard. Did you say you would not be needing the east parlour?

Exley: I did, sir.

Lord Eepex: Whyever not? Don't say you will be leaving me, my faithful Exley?

Exley: I do say it, my Lord. Telofrey is unwilling to consider leaving her
mistress, and so I shall be joining Lady Xibak's household, effective in ten
days' time.

Lord Eepex: What? You expect me to manage without you? Unthinkable. Exley!

The butler makes a hasty exit, hurrying away to admit the visitor.

Lord Eepex: (pausing) But wait, if Lady Ice is not to lose her maid and I am
instead to lose my butler - unthinkable thought - what IS that abominable racket
about?

Lady Xibak stalks into the room, glowing an icy blue-white in cold fury. Lord
Eepex involuntarily backs away a few steps as she advances into the study.

Lady Xibak: I am informed that you seek to take my maid from me, Lord Eepex.

Lord Eepex: (throwing up his hands) On the contrary, my butler has just informed
me that he is to be joining your august establishment!

Lady Xibak: Lies. I have my information from Telofrey herself. She would never
purposely mislead me.

Lord Eepex: (picking up a crystal pipe and fumbling to light it) I have the same
degree of confidence in my butler.

Lord Eepex sighs with relief as his pipe catches and begins to smoke. He takes a
long puff and exhales slowly.

Lady Xibak: (eyeing billowing smoke with distaste) Do not let me disturb you,
Lord Eepex.

Lord Eepex: (in an undertone) I find you extremely disturbing.

Lady Xibak: I can be much more disturbing, if I am forced. Come, now, a new
butler is no great matter. I will gladly give you my own, if you will consent to
leave me my abigail.

Lord Eepex: Exley is highly trained in a number of delicate matters, and his
discretion is to be relied upon in all instances. I hardly think your butler
would answer my purposes, Lady Xibak. Besides, it is an unnecessary transaction.
I merely wish to retain my -own- butler.

Lady Xibak: (frowning) There has clearly been some grave misunderstanding on
your part.

Lord Eepex: (with a bark of laughter) Ha! Well, this matter may be easily
cleared up, no? I will summon the man himself.

Lord Eepex tugs impatiently on the silken bell-pull and the servants' bell
clangs distantly. Lord Eepex and Lady Xibak wait in silence, not looking at each
other.

After a few moments, Lord Eepex frowns and checks his watch. He pulls the bell
again.

The door belatedly opens and Exley appears, followed by Telofrey Hiliah.

Lady Xibak: (in complete surprise) Telofrey!

Lord Eepex: Exley, good man. Do tell this lady that I have no intention of
stealing her maid.

Lady Xibak: Telofrey, you are quite aware that there was no question of my
taking in Lord Eepex's butler!

Lord Eepex: I know it to be inconceivable that you could think of leaving me in
favour of Lady Xibak, Exley, but the matter must be cleared up, and post-haste.

Lady Xibak: How in the world you could abandon me for this pipe-smoking fool is
beyond me, Telofrey!

Kroek Exley (holding one hand up for silence) My Lord and Lady, a moment to
speak?

Lady Xibak subsides, instead turning a cool stare on Exley. Lord Eepex returns
to his pipe.

Kroek Exley: The matter is quite simple.

Telofrey Hiliah: I hope you'll forgive me, madam. The dilemma was such a
difficult one to decide!

Lady Xibak: (coolly) At the moment it appears that you are both intending to
exist in two places at once, for the foreseeable future. That seems more of a
paradox than a dilemma.

Telofrey Hiliah: Nothing so clever as all that, madam.

Kroek Exley: (with a cough) If we are to be married, we would wish to live
together in the same establishment, naturally.

Lady Xibak: And that is to be mine. You are cordially invited.

Exley: Thank you, my Lady. As I was saying, one of us must leave our employer;
but neither of us wishes to do so.

Lady Xibak: (perplexed) Yet that is precisely what you threatened to do,
Telofrey.

Lord Eepex: (confused) Isn't that exactly what you told me you were doing,
Exley?

Kroek Exley: There is another solution, my Lord.

Lord Eepex: (his brow clearing) Ah! Your engagement is over. Sorry to hear that.
Not sure that marriage would have agreed with you anyway, though, Exley.

Kroek Exley: Not quite, sir.

Lord Eepex: (losing patience) Then what? Come to the point, man.

Telofrey Hiliah: You were looking for a husband, madam...

Kroek Exley: And it is true that your Lordship was seeking a wife...

Lady Xibak and Lord Eepex are silent for a long moment, obviously not
comprehending. Realisation suddenly dawns.

Lady Xibak: You don't mean...

Lord Eepex: Surely you aren't saying...

Lady Xibak: (gasping in absolute horror) No!

Lord Eepex: (backing rapidly away from Lady Xibak) Absolutely not!

Lady Xibak: (derisively) This absurd waistcoat-wearing imbecile?

Lord Eepex: (coldly) This perambulating icicle?

Lady Xibak: A man of debauched habits and unrefined notions!

Lord Eepex: A sour-natured lemon of a woman!

Lady Xibak: (glowing an angry shade of deep red) Telofrey! How could you even
imagine such an idea?

Lord Eepex: (glowing a horrified shade of green) Exley, this is not one of your
finer moments.

Kroek Exley: As you say, my Lord.

Lady Xibak: casts a contemptuous glance at Lord Eepex.

Lady Xibak: (frostily) Quite enough has been said on this topic. I will depart.

Lord Eepex: (with chilling sarcasm) Splendid notion. Do have a marvellous
evening.

Lady Xibak sweeps out of the room. Telofrey Hiliah follows silently behind,
dejected. Kroek Exley dodges quickly out of the room as Lord Eepex's gaze turns
back to him.

The stage darkens as the sounds of Lady Xibak's quick, enraged footsteps fade
away.

Act II Scene IV

Lights fade in to reveal the servants' parlour. Telofrey Hiliah sits dejectedly
on the couch. Kroek Exley is trying to cheer her up, without much success.

Telofrey Hiliah: That didn't go very well.

Kroek Exley: It will in time, my love. Our plans have sound logic to recommend
them. Remember Miss Cloudsinger and Miss Alee? Compared to them, your Lady will
come to seem like a dream.

Telofrey Hiliah: (reluctantly) I suppose so.

Kroek Exley: And your choice of Swalgron and Swee was inspired, my heart. In
comparison, Lord Eepex is a decided eligible.

Telofrey Hiliah: (smiling a little) That's true.

Kroek Exley: Just a little while longer.

Act II Scene V

The figures of the servants fade from view, and scenery ripples and shifts. A
new scene appears, revealing the stage split into two with a wall down the
centre.

On the left-hand side, Lord Eepex sits in his study at Eepex Manor, smoking a
pipe and apparently deep in thought.

On the right-hand side, Lady Xibak sits in her drawing-room at Xibak Towers,
sipping tea from a dainty porcelain cup and staring into the distance.

Lord Eepex removes his pipe from his mouth and purses his lips. His skin is a
hazy grey in colour.

Lord Eepex: (darkly) Perambulating icicle. That was aptly put.

Lord Eepex sucks again on his pipe and then blows a few lazy smoke rings into
the air.

Lady Xibak carries her teacup to her lips and then pauses, forgetting to drink.

Lady Xibak: An incurable womaniser, certainly.

Lady Xibak stares blankly at her teacup and then places it gently back in its
saucer.

Lord Eepex: (perplexed) What was Exley thinking?

Lady Xibak: (furrowing her brow) It is most unlike Telofrey.

Lord Eepex rises from his chair, takes a few paces around the room, and then
absently sits down again.

Lady Xibak impatiently returns her tea-things to the table and sits back in her
chair. A moment later she distractedly retrieves her teacup.

Lord Eepex: Absolutely the worst candidate imaginable.

Lady Xibak: I can hardly conceive of a more unlikely idea.

Lord Eepex: Even Tiloney Alee would be preferable.

Lady Xibak: Really. The man is as bad as Mr. Swee.

Silence reigns for a few minutes. Lord Eepex puffs gently on his pipe, his gaze
now fixed somewhere on the ceiling. Lady Xibak sips vaguely at her tea, pulling
a face as she realises it has gone cold.

Lord Eepex: Well. No. Perhaps the Alee girl is indeed worse.

Lady Xibak: (frowning slightly) On reflection, he is not really as bad as the
unfortunate Swee.

Lord Eepex: The Cloudsinger monstrosity too. Come to think of it, there are a
few people who could, conceivably, be worse.

Lady Xibak: Now, Etter Swalgron. I would rather eat my hat than marry Etter
Swalgron.

Lord Eepex: She is certainly handsomer than Miss Cloudsinger.

Lady Xibak: He is better-looking than Swalgron. Even if he insists on wearing
green.

Lord Eepex: Handsomer than Miss Alee, too.

Lady Xibak: And I do prefer his looks to Mr. Swee's.

Lord Eepex: Come to think of it, there are few women as handsome as she.

Lady Xibak: He is, on the whole, fairly presentable.

Lord Eepex: One could not ask for a more respectable woman. She is certainly of
high station.

Lady Xibak: He is from a very good family, and a Master Artist in his own right.

Lord Eepex: Surely I am not really considering this ridiculous plan?

Lady Xibak: No, no. What am I thinking?

Lord Eepex puts his pipe down, decisively, and stands up, moving a few steps
towards the door. He pauses.

Lady Xibak shakes her head and rises from her chair, striding forward several
paces. She stops, hesitating.

Lord Eepex: Exley's judgement has never failed me before. That ought to be
considered.

Lady Xibak: Am I right to reject Telofrey's opinion so entirely?

Lord Eepex: Maybe she is not as bad as I thought.

Lady Xibak: Surely not -all- of the rumours are true.

Lord Eepex: I should get to know her better.

Lady Xibak: Maybe some conversation would help?

Lord Eepex: (frowning) But she hates me.

Lady Xibak: (with a note of steel in her voice) He -called- me an icicle. That
can hardly be got over quickly.

Lord Eepex: Some of my comments were unflattering, it's true.

Lady Xibak: But then... I was not particularly complimentary to him either.

Lord Eepex: How to make amends?

Lady Xibak: I do not know how to retract.

Lady Xibak returns to her seat with a sigh. Lord Eepex picks up his pipe again
and chews thoughtfully on the stem.

Lord Eepex: Flowers are always popular. She is a woman, isn't she? She will like
flowers.

Lord Eepex rises from his chair with alacrity and crosses the room, stopping in
front of a large wall cupboard. Opening it, he removes a mechanical device from
within and drops it. The dirigible putters in lazy circles, bobbing cheerfully
in the air.

Lord Eepex takes a rose from a nearby vase of blossoms and offers it to the
dirigible, which grasps it in its metallic claw.

Lord Eepex: Deliver to Lady Indruk Xibak.

The dirigible whistles and steams away. It putters lazily across the stage,
passing the wall and pausing at the feet of Lady Xibak. Puffing extra steam, it
laboriously climbs a few feet and then drops the rose into her lap.

Lady Xibak frowns at the dirigible, instinctively grasping the rose as it
descends into her hands.

Lady Xibak: (Examining the dirigible) Surely those are not Eepex colours?

Lord Eepex: (anxiously) Suddenly this seems a paltry gesture.

Lady Xibak: (lifting the flower to her nose) I cannot remember the last time I
received a rose.

Lord Eepex: She will hate me even more.

Lady Xibak: How thoughtful. A promising quality in a man.

The dirigible returns to the feet of Lord Eepex and whistles. He sighs and
returns it to the cupboard.

Lady Xibak remains in deep thought for a few minutes, and then leaves her chair
once more. This time she crosses the room without hesitation and exits, closing
the door firmly behind her.

The stage darkens for a moment and then Lady Xibak's drawing room disappears.
The scene resolves into one tableau, focussing on Lord Eepex's study. Lord Eepex
himself lounges in his chair with his eyes closed, possibly asleep.

A bell rings from downstairs and a few moments later, Kroek Exley enters the
study.

Kroek Exley: (bowing) Your Lordship.

Lord Eepex: (without opening his eyes) That excessively formal mode of address
suggests that you are about to displease me, Exley. Again.

Kroek Exley: Lady Xibak is here to see you, Your Lordship.

Lord Eepex: (sitting up with sudden alertness) Oh? Do show her in, quickly.

Kroek Exley: Immediately, my Lord.

Lord Eepex pulls himself to his feet and stands with his shoulders a little
straighter than normal. He fusses hurriedly with the folds of his cravat,
tugging at the hem of his waistcoat.

Lady Xibak enters the room slowly, perhaps unsure of her welcome.

Lady Xibak: Lord Eepex. I hope I find you in good health.

Lord Eepex: Perfectly, my Lady Xibak, perfectly. I trust you are suffering no
indisposition.

Lady Xibak: None at all, thank you.

There is an awkward pause as neither person can quite meet the other's eyes.
Exley coughs discreetly from the doorway.

Kroek Exley: Perhaps some tea, Your Lordship?

Lord Eepex: Ah! Yes, excellent! My Lady would take some refreshment, perhaps?

Lady Xibak: (hopefully) Shall there be cake also, my Lord Eepex? I do so enjoy
cake.

Lord Eepex: (surprised) I am rather partial to it myself. Plenty of cake, Exley,
and make it the very best kind.

Kroek Exley: (bowing with a small smile) Of course, my Lord.

Kroek Exley withdraws, leaving his employers together. The figures fade as the
stage is enveloped in darkness once more.

Act II Scene VI

The stage lights come up to reveal Kroek Exley and Telofrey Hiliah standing in a
large bedchamber, apparently inspecting it. Telofrey is wearing a broad smile,
and Exley is glowing a particularly happy shade of yellow.

Kroek Exley: What did I tell you, my heart?

Telofrey Hiliah: (laughing) How right you were, my love. That went very well
after all.

The heavy curtains fall slowly to conceal the stage. The happy laughter of
Telofrey is gradually drowned out by the playing of the orchestra, rounding out
the performance with a light-hearted piano composition.