The Fortal of Pate

 

Act I Scene I

With a soft, swishing whisper, the curtains slowly rise to reveal a scene in the Newton Caverns. Globes full of glowing insects light up a spotlessly clean street, neatly constructed from stone. The openings to several gnome holes line up along the roadway, from inside which the sounds of gnomish children laughing can be faintly heard.

A plump gnome guard strides into view, tightly gripping a hammer in one white-knuckled hand. His eyes scan the area for dangers, and when footsteps ring out loudly from behind him, he spins around, eyes wide with fright.

But it is only a fellow guard, stamping in with a hammer raised like his comrade.

Jim, the Gnomish Guard: Morning, Bob. How’s it going?

Bob, the Gnomish Guard: Jim. It’s pretty quiet.

Both guards relax a little, lowering their weapons and leaning casually against the wall.

Bob, the Gnomish Guard: Hey, I made it to the Wakabi Drome last night. Should’ve seen Cloverfield go! She was on fire! I won seventeen dingbats.

Jim, the Gnomish Guard: You lucky sod! I got nothing! I’m going again tonight, though, after I get off shift. Maybe I should back Clo—

He breaks off as a grey-clad figure runs into the room, waving a cheap lute. The newcomer is a very young man, fresh-faced and bright-eyed. Without pausing to look, he sings a horrible, grinding note full of death and Bob clutches his head in pain before falling to the floor, glass-eyed, blood pouring from his nose.

Jim screams and rushes at the adventurer, but he is cut down in similar fashion only seconds later. The grey-clad youngster scoops up the two limp corpses and rushes away.

The grinding notes can be heard sounding once, twice, three times again, fading away as the adventurer travels deeper into the caverns. Silence falls at last, and for a while, nothing happens.

Then the body of Bob, the Gnomish Guard, blinks back into existence, looking exactly as he did before: plump, rosy-cheeked and healthy. The blood that poured from his nose is gone, and his armour is once again pristine.

A few moments later Jim reappears in the same fashion. They look at each other and sigh.

Bob, the Gnomish Guard: (wearily) You know, I wonder sometimes why the Fates have to keep sending us back.

Jim, the Gnomish Guard: Right! And those damned adventurers too. Nasty dead-eyed monsters.

The two guards chatter on for a while, their voices dropping to a low murmur. Then a pair of sparrows flies into the room, each grasping a little folded note in their talons. They drop the notes into the hands of the guards and flap away once more.

The guards unfold their notes and quickly scan through them. As they read, a large, illusory piece of paper unfolds in the air above the stage and words scroll across it in black script.

 

This is a missive from CAPTAIN AGGLE FARGLETON

For the attention of all OPPRESSED CITIZENS OF THE NEWTON CAVERNS AND BEYOND

There will be a meeting held on the 1st of Dioni at midnight. It will be held in the secret room, because THIS IS A SECRET MEETING!

You will learn how the curse of the grey-clad marauders will be lifted from us all! NEVER AGAIN WILL AN ADVENTURER SLAY YOU WHERE YOU STAND!

 

Bob and Jim look at each other uncertainly, and shrug. The curtain drops, hiding the homey caverns scene from view.

 

Act I Scene II

When it rises again moments later, the scene has changed to the inside of a gnome hole. It is an appealingly comfortable interior, with soft armchairs and a low table strewn with steaming mugs. There is no sign of a door, however. The room is packed with gnomes.

In the centre stands a gnome woman in full armour, a sword belted at her waist. She raises her hands for quiet, and the hubbub of conversation dies down.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Pipe down, pipe down! Thank you.

Captain Aggle Fargleton:  Welcome to the mirst feeting of the Romish Gnevolutionaries! As of this moment, you are all REBELS!

There is a moment of confused silence as the assembled gnomes decipher this peculiar speech, and then a cheer – led by Bob and Jim – goes up.

Captain Aggle Fargleton:  That’s the spirit! We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Binding our own musiness, huarding our gomes, raising our children – doing ordinary things. GOOD THINGS!

Captain Aggle Fargleton:  And then in walks one of those damned adventurers!  With their fank blaces, their dead eyes and their skowerful pills! One hit and we are dead! They mow through our entire village with blarely a bink!

Captain Aggle Fargleton:  Oh, yes, we all know of the Grey Marauders. They are the first wave of an army which will, one day, overrun the Basin entire. This I believe in my heart! They stust be mopped!

Captain Aggle Fargleton:  Friends, I am only a gnimple some. I don’t pretend to know what these marauders truly are. BUT! I do know where they COME FROM!

The captain pauses for a moment, allowing the palpable excitement to build. She then raises her arms and beams maniacally, her gaze sweeping over the crowd.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: The scource of this sourge lies not far from our home! Further up the mountain there lies a portal - a great, grand, grolden portal full of denergy and arkness.

Captain Aggle Fargleton:  Friends, if you had seen – as I have – this gerrible tate, churning and thrashing and spitting out an endless stream of marauders to darken our days! It chills my soul to look upon this terrible thing. Being a gnome of unspeakable bravery, I have done this thing – for you.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Friends, comrades in arms – there is only one solution. You all know, I am sure, what I am going to say. You feel it in your hearts, for it is inevitable.

The captain pauses again, expectant; but she is greeted by silence and blank stares.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: (raising her voice to a bellow) Nitizens of Cewton! If you want to kill a snake, what do you do? Why, you CUT OFF ITS HEAD! We cannot defeat these Mey Garauders ourselves, but we can destroy the source!

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Comrades, there is only one thing to do! We are going to BLOW UP THE FORTAL OF PATE!

The confusion clears from the faces of the gathered gnomes and they begin to cheer and clap and whistle. The captain beams – with perhaps a hint of relief in her eyes.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Good citizens of Newton, ARE YOU WITH ME?

The gnomes roar their assent and stamp their feet and the captain nods.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: We are REBELS and we will do this thing! I am Faggle Argleton and I am your LEADER! Follow me and we will be delivered from our daily torment!

The cheering reaches an ear-splitting level of tumult as the curtain slowly closes, hiding Aggle Fargleton’s secret meeting from view.

 

 

Act II Scene I

The curtain remains closed for a few minutes as a jaunty air is played by some invisible orchestra. When it rises once more, an engineering centre in the Newton Caverns is revealed: a semicircular room full of silver cylinders, valves and strange glass contraptions. The air is full of steam and a peculiar vibration hums through the room, setting the floor of the stage humming. The smell of polished metal fills the air. Cranky, the Chief Engineer is hard at work on one of the metal-and-glass contraptions.

The sounds of booted footsteps on stone become audible, but Cranky doesn’t look up until Captain Aggle Fargleton, Bob the Gnomish Guard and a crowd of hangers-on enter the room.

Cranky: (scowling) What’s all this, Fargleton? I’m busy with the Gizmo.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Broken again, is it? Sorry to hear that, Cranky, but this is important.

Cranky puts down his tools with a sigh and folds his arms, staring the Captain down.

Cranky: Get on with it.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: You weren’t at my meeting, Cranky.

Cranky: I told you, I was busy. Gizmo’s got to be fixed.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Fine, fine. But you pleard about the han?

Cranky: My wife might’ve mentioned it.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Okay. We’re going to need your help.

Cranky: (warily) With what, exactly?

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Building the explosives.

Cranky: I’m an engineer, not a demolitions specialist.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: You’re not just an engineer, Cranky. You’re the best engineer in Newton. And this is no ordinary jemolitions dob. If anybody can come up with the goods to pow up the Blortal, it’s you.

Cranky continues to stare at the Captain in a decidedly unfriendly fashion.

Cranky: And you don’t think the Fates might be a bit unhappy about it?

Captain Aggle Fargleton: By the time they know anything about it, it’ll be too late.

Cranky: (heaving a long sigh) Right. I’ll do my best, but I’m going to need some help.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Anything you need, Cranky. We’re all here for you.

Cranky: Fine. You’ll need to keep the Grey Marauders off my back, for a start. And then I’ll need a lot of supplies. Special kind of explosive, this; not easy to make.

Captain Aggle Fargleton barks a few orders and half of the assembled crowd of gnomes splits off to surround the engineering centre, weapons at the ready, faces grim.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Let’s have the lopping shist.

Cranky thinks for a moment, scratching absently at the stubble along his jaw.

Cranky: Rubies. I’ll need ten of those. A few weasels - five should do it. I’ll need a batch of the gloop from Mother Mucka’s cauldron, and twenty-five glass bottles.

Captain Aggle Fargleton fumbles for a notebook and begins to hastily write everything down.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Wubies…reasels…glottles and boop. Anything else?

Cranky: Cow manure.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Mow canure… okay.

Cranky: Oh, and a steak sandwich.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: (suspiciously) You need a sneak standwich to blow up the Fortal of Pate?

Cranky: No. That’s for my lunch.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Right. Okay, team! Go to it! Quickly now, I want that Fortal smashed to smithereens by dinner time!

The gnomes scatter, streaming off the stage in clusters of two or three. Cranky goes back to his work and the Captain starts up a patrol, strolling slowly from one side of the stage to the other. After a few minutes the gnomes begin to return, dashing across the stage to dump various ingredients at Cranky’s feet.

Cranky: Thanks, Bob. Good job. Here, take these gold sovereigns for your help.

Cranky: Jim, good man. Great work. Here’s a little something for you.

Cranky: Winnie, you’re a star. Best girl in Newton. Here’s your reward.

Captain Aggle Fargleton ceases her patrol and goes to stand near the growing pile of goods, ticking items off on her list.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Right, that’s the beasels done and the glubies. We’re still missing a few wottles and the roop, and we need a lot more in the way of pow cats.

Cranky: No cats required, Captain.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: No? I could’ve sworn you needed poo. My mistake.

Cranky blinks, sighs, and turns back to his engineering, working busily as the gnomes continue to dash in and out of his workshop. After a while, the Captain lets out a cheer.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: That’s it, Cranky! We’ve got everything. Just… ignore all the pow coo.

Cranky bends down and begins sorting all the goods into neat piles.

Cranky: Great job. That’s enough for me to begin the process. I’ll get started building.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Great. Do you need anything else?

Cranky: Wait, wait. I’ve only got twenty-four glass bottles.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: That’s a bot of lottles, Cranky. Should be enough, surely?

Cranky: No way. I said twenty-five. I need one more.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: All right, sorry. Bob?

Bob, the Gnomish Guard nods his head enthusiastically and dashes away.

Cranky: Get your pen ready, Aggle. Here comes the next lot.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Ready.

Cranky: When I’m done with these I’ll be needing the skins from ten wild boars, six buckets of salt - that’s exactly six, Aggle, don’t bring me five - and sixty mosquitos, all good and dead. And I need you to bring me some iron and wood. I’ll fashion you a pick and you can go start digging a hole at the Portal.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: I’ve got a pick. I can get started on that right away.

Cranky: This is a special pick. You won’t be able to do it with the one you’ve got.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Ah… right. Okay, gang, off we go! Quickly, quickly!

The gnomes burst into a flurry of activity, dashing in and out of Cranky’s room so busily that, for a while, little can be seen of the stage. It is as if some kind of celerity enchantment has been cast over the stage, and everyone is moving at ten times their usual speed. After about half a minute the action slows down again. All the gnomes are back in their previous positions, though most of them are doubled over, wheezing and breathing hard.

Cranky: That was great, folks. You’ve done a grand job. See here, I’ve finished the first section.

Cranky gestures to a bizarre contraption in the centre of the floor. It is built out of glass bottles filled with cow manure, covered with rubies and with weasel corpses draped oddly across it. One glass bottle, larger than the rest, stands proudly at the top, filled with gloop from Mucka’s cauldron.

Cranky holds up a pick. It is enormous - far too large for the diminutive Captain to use, apparently - and it shimmers with some kind of special magic. He hands it to Captain Aggle with a smile.

Cranky: Get digging, Aggle. I want it at least three feet deep.

Captain Aggle Fargleton grasps the pick in both hands and hefts it.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Cripes. Righto, Cranky. I’ll do my best.

Cranky: I’ll need a bit of help putting the rest of the device together.

Captain Aggle Fargleton reels off a list of ten names, and ten gnomes peel away from the crowd to surround Cranky.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Okay, the rest of you with me! Keep them mingie Grey-Faced bastards off me!

Captain Aggle Fargleton strides off the stage, the sparkling pick held high above her head and a small army of gnomes streaming out behind her. Cranky turns back to his device amid a chattering crowd of helpers, and the curtain closes.

 

Act II Scene II

The curtain opens once more to reveal the cave of the Portal of Fate. The granite walls are covered in glowing sigils and symbols shining in gold and purple hues. The Portal is a glorious oval contraption flickering with golden flames, inside which yawns a dark maw of arcane energy.

The cave appears to be empty, but after a moment the perspective rotates to show the space behind the Portal. Captain Aggle Fargleton is crouched on the floor, putting the finishing touches to the hole she has carved. Around her stand a crew of gnome guards, all looking extremely bored and sleepy.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: (in a strained voice) I think that’s it. Someone get Cranky.

A messenger departs, returning shortly with Cranky, the Chief Engineer. He takes one look at the hole in the ground and nods.

Cranky: Should be deep enough. Great job, Aggle. Here’s some gold for you.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: That’s okay, I really don’t need--

Cranky: Just take the damn gold.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Okay. Thanks.

A crowd of gnomes staggers into the cave, bearing Cranky’s contraption between them. It is at least four feet high by now -- taller than most of the gnomes -- and decked in peculiar objects. As bizarre as it looks, however, it hums with a reassuring sense of power, and lights flicker around it.

Cranky: Set ‘er in the hole, lads and lasses. Gently now. She’s fragile.

The gnomes carefully lower Cranky’s masterpiece into the hole and hurriedly step back from it. Cranky nods and checks his notes.

Cranky: That’s it, chaps. Best get out of here, now. Put some distance between you and the Beauty; she’s going to be spectacular.

All of the gnomes except for the Captain and Cranky hastily run out of the cave. The Captain and the Engineer stand for a moment, staring down at the thing they have made.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Reckon it’ll work?

Cranky: I reckon so. You sure you want to do this?

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Oh, yes.

Cranky: Right.

Cranky takes the Captain’s arm and leads her out of the cave. They retreat to a safe spot some way down the peak, and Cranky nods. He takes a box out of his pocket and grips it determinedly. A large red button adorns the surface and his thick fingers hover over it.

Cranky: Ready?

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Ready.

Cranky presses the button. Nothing happens for quite a long time, and the Captain begins to look crestfallen. But Cranky’s face is serene and confident. The silence stretches unbearably until, suddenly, a massive explosion rocks the peak and gold-and-purple flames can be seen shooting out of the cave mouth above. Rocks and rubble rain down onto Cranky and the Captain, but neither of them seems to notice: they are too busy celebrating.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: YES! No more Grey Marauders! No more dying! No more misery, no more pain! We’re FREE!

Cranky: (tearfully) Wait ‘til I tell my wife. Our little nippers are safe… they can grow up, get jobs, have kids of their own…

Cranky starts to sob, while the Captain dances crazily in circles around him. Loud cheering can be heard as gnomes barrel into view, charging up the mountain from Newton waving flags and screaming. Groups of them pick up the Captain and Cranky and begin carrying them around over their heads, bouncing them up and down and hollering celebratory songs.

CAPTAIN AGGLE – OR IS IT FAGGLE?

ARGLETON OR FARGLETON,

PINKERTON OR PARKERTON

SLIGGLETON OR SLAGGLETON

BIGGLESOME OR BAGGLESOME

WE DON’T CARE, SHE’S THE BEST!

SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL THE REST!

The party continues uninterrupted for about two minutes more, when light blazes in the sky and three figures appear. Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos hover in the sky above the Peak, staring down in bemusement at the wild gnomish celebration going on below. One by one the gnomes notice their visitors and stop partying, staring instead up at the Fates.

Lachesis: Strange.

Clotho: Inconvenient.

Atropos: I didn’t know it was even possible to blow up the Portal.

All three Fates shrug. The light around them blazes for a moment, so brightly it hurts to look at them. When it passes, the rubble is gone and the purple-and-gold flames have vanished.

Atropos: I’m sorry, but we are going to need that Portal.

Clotho: Good effort, however.

Lachesis: We are most impressed with your ingenuity.

With that, the Fates fade away, leaving the sky dark and the gnomes in crestfallen silence. Captain Aggle Fargleton stares up at the empty sky in complete despair and says a single word in a very, very small voice.

Captain Aggle Fargleton: Oh.