The Disappearance of Sako Tleem

 

Cast:

 

Gumpty Wattle, a helper gnome

Kioul, Culinary Warrior

Maendwen Syllamn, a lovesick elfen cook

Wehka Waykhu, the greatest detective of all time

Gertrine the Greeter

Sako Tleem, the carriage driver

 

ACT ONE

Scene One

The pale glow of dawn slowly lightens the dark stage, revealing a small house in a nondescript street. The door opens and a tall dracnari steps into the street, yawning. He is clad in an orange robe, with a rope belt tied around his bulging middle. The robe appears to be arranged in such a way as to conceal the considerable bulk beneath, but it is not entirely successful.

The dracnari stands for a moment, blinking sleepily, before moving towards a coarse wooden carriage that is parked around the side of the house. But before he can reach it, two figures clad in a dark cloak appear out of the darkness and grab him. A black, featureless carriage pulls up and the dracnari is bundled into it, his protestations ignored. The carriage speeds away and the street is left empty and silent.

 

Scene Two

The scene changes to the Ackleberry Highway early in the morning. The sun shines overhead, the sky is gorgeously blue, and all seems well. A laden farm cart drawn by a sturdy donkey comes bowling down the highway, driven by a pigtailed gnome singing at the top of her high voice.

 

Gumpty Wattle:

It's morning of another day,

And I am speeding on my way

To carrot cake and clover tea!

Turtle soup and hot curry!

For I'm a helpful helper gnome,

I visit all the cooks at home,

I bring the goods they'll need today,

And take the useless guff away.

 

Gumpty Wattle stops singing and reins in the donkey. The village of Estelbar can be seen nearby, but she has stopped outside of the Waystation that stands opposite. Jumping down, she drags an enormous burlap sack out of the cart and hurries inside with it.

Gumpty Wattle: Morning, Kioul! How goes the baking today?

Kioul, Culinary Warrior brandishes a gleaming dagger and roars a welcome.

Kioul, Culinary Warrior: WAHA!! Gumpty, you are late! I need eggs and oil - these people, still they bring me nothing but flour, honey and carrots! What kind of a cake can I make with that, will you tell me?

Gumpty Wattle:  Don't fret, old man! Everything's here. And, um, it's heavy.

Kioul, Culinary Warrior grabs the sack from Gumpty and rips it open, his grin broadening as he examines the contents.

Kioul, Culinary Warrior: Good! This is enough for another hundred cakes. But what is this?

Kioul, Culinary Warrior lifts a sealed box out of the sack, shaking it experimentally. It rattles.

Gumpty Wattle:  Erp! That's for Sako, sorry. Curio pieces.

Kioul, Culinary Warrior tosses it carelessly to Gumpty, who almost drops it.

Kioul, Culinary Warrior: Grand! Tell Sako I have many, many carrot cakes to send him! WAHA!!

Gumpty Wattle: Will do. Where's the rubbish?

Kioul, Culinary Warrior runs about the room at top speed, collecting up the remains of a dozen or so sturdy chopping boards, all of which are broken into exactly three pieces. He picks up a fresh, intact one that lies upon a table and efficiently breaks that into three pieces as well, then thrusts them all into a sack which he hands to Gumpty.

Kioul, Culinary Warrior: And cake, for my little helper gnome!

Kioul, Culinary Warrior offers a plate of chocolate cake to Gumpty, who is too laden down with boxes and sacks to carry it. He balances it carefully upon her head instead, a gesture which appears to be long-practiced by both, and Gumpty walks very carefully away.

An adventurer enters the Waystation, pushing past Gumpty without seeming to see her, and hands three sturdy branches to Kioul.

Kioul, Culinary Warrior: WAHA!! With these branches, I shall fashion an

indestructible, all-powerful cutting board!

 

Scene Three

Outside on the highway, Gumpty approaches a large metal bell set into a wooden post and rings it vigorously. Hefting the box of curio pieces in her hands, she waits, whistling, for some time, but nothing happens.

The sound of tumultuous weeping is suddenly heard, and moments later a blonde elfen woman dashes into view from the north, her reddened eyes staring wildly around.

Maendwen Syllamn:  Oh, Gumpty! There you are! The worst news! So horrible!

Maendwen Syllamn dissolves into hysterical sobs, sinking to her knees in the dust of the road.

Gumpty Wattle: Steady on, Mae! What's amiss?

Maendwen Syllamn: I was outside Sako's house this morning in my usual spot, waiting for him to come out. I'd prepared my very best cake for him! It wasn't even powderfruit! White lemon, with sugar sprinkles...

Maendwen Syllamn dissolves into a fresh storm of tears, unable to speak for a moment.

Maendwen Syllamn: I watched through the window as he got dressed. He looked different, Gumpty! Happy! As though something wonderful were about to happen!

Gumpty Wattle: (sighing) Sako's seeing someone else, is that it?

Maendwen Syllamn: No! Worse! Far, far worse!

Gumpty Wattle: (rolling her eyes) No, surely not. What could possibly be worse than that?

Maendwen Syllamn: He is GONE!

Gumpty Wattle's eyes stray to the bell she has been waiting patiently beside, and which has failed to summon the carriage driver.

Gumpty Wattle: What do you mean, gone? He cannot be. Sako is as reliable as -

Maendwen Syllamn: (in tones of the strongest despair) I tell you, he is gone! You may ring the bell all day and he will not come.

Gumpty Wattle: (uncertainly) Well. Perhaps he took a day off?

Maendwen Syllamn: (savagely) He certainly did! With the help of two shadowy figures in cloaks! With HOODS! They took him away!

Gumpty Wattle begins to look alarmed, her eyes going wide.

Gumpty Wattle: You mean that someone took him? Mae, why did you not say so before? This IS terrible!

Maendwen Syllamn wilts and droops like a dying flower, weeping, and then begins to sing as the orchestra strikes up a mournful tune.

Maendwen Syllamn:

Oh, misery and woe!

Where is my darling Sako?

He'll be killed -

Gumpty Wattle joins the song, gesturing magnificently, her small face suffused with determination as the music swells to more upbeat, powerful strains.

Gumpty Wattle:  He shall not die!

Maendwen Syllamn:  Chopped to pieces -

Gumpty Wattle:  He will be fine!

Maendwen Syllamn:  Taken by the evilest villains of all time!

Who's to save him now?

No one cares for him as I do!

Gumpty Wattle:  But that's not true! We all care, too.

Gumpty Wattle crosses to Maendwen and makes a show of comforting her.

Gumpty Wattle:  Don't cry, my friend, all shall be well,

Do not on weepful outcomes dwell!

We will reverse this foul misdeed,

Their frightful scheme will NOT succeed.

Maendwen Syllamn:  I beg you will, or I shall die!

My heart shall break, my soul shall fly,

And if the Fates should send me back,

I shall my own veins swift attack.

Gumpty Wattle:  Be brave, be stout! We'll find him out!

Maendwen Syllamn: He will die, and so shall I!

Gumpty Wattle: All right, die then! 

Gumpty Wattle pushes Maendwen away in disgust and turns her back.

Gumpty Wattle:  I'm leaving you, there's much to do.

The biggest question here is: who?

And, come to think of it, why

Would someone take Sako...?

Gumpty Wattle trails off, her face thoughtful, and the music slows to a gentle melody - and stops abruptly as Gumpty gives a horrified gasp.

Gumpty Wattle: The curios! That's what this is about!

Maendwen Syllamn: The... what? But why?

Gumpty Wattle: People would do anything for curios! I tell you, this is a kidnapping! There will be a ransom demand, and I bet it is to be paid in curio pieces!

Gumpty Wattle picks up her discarded box of pieces and brandishes it about as though it were a weapon with which she shall free Sako.

Gumpty Wattle: But we shan't wait for that! I'm going to get help.

Maendwen Syllamn rises wearily to her feet, her emaciated frame swaying alarmingly.

Maendwen Syllamn: (faintly) What kind of help?

Gumpty Wattle: The very best help indeed! I shall hire the greatest detective of all time!

The stage darkens on Gumpty's triumphant and determined face, and the curtains close for a brief interval. The refrain from the previous song is struck up once more, played this time at a jauntier pace, until at last the curtains open upon the second act.

 

ACT TWO

 

Scene One

Afternoon bathes the Ackleberry Highway in golden sunshine, and birds soar happily in the blue skies overhead. Gumpty has returned to her duties and sits atop her farm cart once more, though her trusty donkey now ambles along at a lackadaisical pace. She is singing to herself, her brow creased in an anxious frown.

Gumpty Wattle:  Wehka Waykhu, how I need you,

Hurry to my side!

We must go through each little clue,

Until the -

Gumpty Wattle stops singing abruptly and reins in her cart. A figure shrouded in a long, dark coat and a wide-brimmed hat has appeared before her. Nothing can be seen of the figure's face save the nose and snout of a loboshigaru.

The figure raises the hat's brim slightly and regards the gnome in silence.

Gumpty Wattle: Oh! You are Wehka Waykhu! Aren't you? Say you are!

Wehka Waykhu: (in a soft, growling voice) I am Wehka Waykhu. You sent for me?

Gumpty Wattle slides down from her perch atop the cart and rushes up to the detective, her tiny hands outstretched as though she will shake a solution out of Wehka.

Gumpty Wattle: Yes! I am Gumpty Wattle and the most dreadful thing has happened! Sako Tleem has gone missing! He was kidnapped at dawn this morning by two shadowy figures!

Wehka Waykhu:  Shadowy figures. Yes. Naturally. What else can you tell me?

Gumpty Wattle: There is a witness! Maendwen Syllamn up at the Waystation saw the whole thing! She said he looked happy this morning, and then he was grabbed and carted away in a carriage!

Wehka Waykhu:) I see. And what was this Maendwen doing there? Is she the spouse?

Gumpty Wattle: Why, no. She was... well, she was watching him.

Wehka Waykhu:  Hm. Does she often do that?

Gumpty Wattle: (uncomfortably) All the time, I'm afraid. Oh, but you mustn't think she had anything to do with it! She has threatened to die if he isn't found.

Wehka Waykhu waves a furred hand in dismissal.

Wehka Waykhu: I shall investigate further.

Gumpty Wattle: (rapturously) Oh, thank you! Shall I come with you? I'll come with you! Right away!

Wehka Waykhu: There is no need for you to abandon your duties. I will inform you of my progress in due course.

Gumpty Wattle: (disappointed) Oh. Very well, if you think it best.

Wehka Waykhu: Do not be cast down, little one. I do not anticipate that this case will be at all difficult to solve.

Wehka Waykhu turns at that and lopes away southwards, leaving a confused and half-hopeful Gumpty alone in the road.

Wehka Waykhu soon arrives at a brightly-lit tearoom with a gem-set bar at the rear. Behind the bar stands a bespectacled, white-haired dwarven woman, who nods politely to the loboshigaru as she enters.

Barona Baruwski: Yes? Would you like some tea? I'm afraid I'm almost out, I can't spare any...

Barona Baruwski creases her brow in a frown.

Wehka Waykhu: A tearoom without tea? That is most unfortunate, Ms. Baruwski.

Barona Baruwski: Hmm, to complete my tea, I need three apples and three butterflies and one clover and three stones.

Wehka Waykhu: I daresay, but I haven't the time to assist you at present. We have an emergency on our hands.

Barona Baruwski: What? An emergency? What's happened?

Wehka Waykhu: The carriage driver, one Sako Tleem, has disappeared. He has, apparently, been kidnapped. Do you know anything about that?

Barona Baruwski's eyes, huge behind her spectacles, fill suddenly with tears, and she blinks rapidly.

Barona Baruwski: Oh, poor boy! As if he hasn't had enough to contend with! What is being done for him? Has there been a ransom demand?

Wehka Waykhu: There has been no demand made, as yet. What has the driver had to contend with?

Barona Baruwski: Oh, his job is a difficult one, to be sure! Always at the beck and call of the bell, never a day off, and that blasted elfen trailing him around like a lost sheep, weeping and wailing... it's taken its toll, you know. It's all taken its toll.

Wehka Waykhu: I see. And yet, he was reported to be looking very happy this morning, before his abduction. Do you have any idea why that might be?

Barona Baruwski: (in surprise) Why, no, but I am very glad to hear it. Perhaps he has finally met someone special!

Wehka Waykhu nods thoughtfully, stroking her chin.

Wehka Waykhu: I see. Thank you, Ms. Baruwski, that will be all.

Wehka Waykhu turns and walks slowly out of the tearoom, deep in thought. The rattling wheels of Gumpty's farm cart can be heard, and Wehka holds up a hand to stop it as it bowls into view.

Gumpty Wattle: Hallo! There cannot be news already, surely?

Wehka Waykhu:  But there is. I have solved the case.

Gumpty Wattle: (with a happy gasp) You really are the greatest detective of all time!

Wehka Waykhu smiles modestly and examines her claws.

Wehka Waykhu: (in a soft, growling voice) It was not so very difficult, this one. Quite simple, in fact.

Gumpty Wattle: So you've found Sako?

Wehka Waykhu: No, I think you will be the best person to go in search of him. But I can direct you. Here.

Wehka Waykhu draws a slim leaflet from an inside pocket of her coat and hands it to Gumpty. As the gnome reads through it, an enlarged facsimile of the leaflet appears above the stage, with an inscription writ large in black letters.

 

AwayTime Vacations!

Are the pressures of life in the Basin getting to be too much for you? Are you falling into despair? Ready to end it all?

Have no fear!

AwayTime, Inc. is here for you!

Kidnappings arranged on demand! Very competitive prices!

Contact The Gnafia for a quote at Gnafia Bubble 37, Aetherspace.

 

Gumpty Wattle stares at the detective, confusion clouding her bright green eyes.

Gumpty Wattle: Are you saying... Sako arranged his own kidnapping?

Wehka Waykhu: Of course he did. How else was he to get a little time off?

Gumpty Wattle: Couldn't he just take a free day?

Wehka Waykhu: You could do such a thing, Gumpty, if you wanted to. Your role in the Basin is a minor one; there are many helper gnomes, and if you were unavailable for any reason, another would take over your shift. But for one such as Sako, it is quite different.

Gumpty Wattle: Why is it different?

Wehka Waykhu: There is only one Sako, you see. Were he to simply walk out, the Fates would swiftly haul him back. Now, would They not? For he is always needed. His disappearance, then, must appear to be involuntary; then an investigation must be launched, solutions found, and it will all take a pleasing amount of time - time which Sako will get to spend at his leisure.

Gumpty Wattle: (her lower lip trembling) Poor Sako! But perhaps he will not wish to come back?

Wehka Waykhu: He must come back, of course. But you are a bright young lady, Gumpty. I feel certain you will find a solution to Sako's problems.

Wehka Waykhu takes off her hat to scratch at her furred ears, winking conspiratorially at Gumpty before she places the hat back on her head.

Wehka Waykhu: I'll see you again, perhaps. Take care, Ms. Wattle.

Wehka Waykhu wanders away, drawing a pocket watch out of her coat as she does so and checking the time. Making a tsking sound of disapproval under her breath, she replaces the watch and picks up her pace, soon disappearing around a corner in the highway.

Gumpty Wattle stands alone, frowning in puzzlement at the leaflet in her hand.

Gumpty Wattle: Bubble 37, Aetherspace. Oh, very well! But I wish it did not have to be The Gnafia!

The Gnafia!

The greatest villains of all time!

Gumpty gulps nervously, but her chin lifts in determination once more as the stage darkens, obscuring the lonely little gnome and her donkey.

 

Scene Two

Lights come up on a scene in aetherspace. A tiny aethership in the shape and colours of a bumblebee sails towards a small floating island, atop which a large, fairytale castle has been built. The ship docks and Gumpty jumps down, staring up at the castle in mingled amazement and dismay. The number "37" appears in flashing letters atop the castle's main tower, and Gumpty checks this against her leaflet.

Gumpty Wattle: Number thirty-seven. Righto then, here we go.

Gumpty Wattle visibly steels herself and marches towards the castle, disappearing inside the main doors.

The main hall of the castle is empty, save for an enormous desk dominating the far wall. Behind the desk which sits a bored-looking gnome woman. She looks up as Gumpty approaches and pastes on a bright smile.

Gertrine the Greeter: Welcome to AwayTime! How may I help you?

Gumpty Wattle: (nervously) Um, I'm looking for Sako Tleem? Is he here?

Gertrine the Greeter: I'm afraid all of our clients' stays are completely confidential.

Gumpty Wattle: Yes, I understand that, but I'm a friend. I really need to see him.

Gertrine the Greeter: (defensively) I've never heard of any Sako Tleem.

Gumpty Wattle: Look, I'm not from the Fates, all right? I'm a helper at the Waystations. My name is Gumpty Wattle.

Gertrine the Greeter: Can you prove that?

Gumpty Wattle blinks and begins to search her pockets. At last she comes up with a small, square piece of cardboard, upon which her picture has been sketched. Her name, date of birth and details of her employment are written in black, with an authoritative-looking signature scrawled beneath. She hands it to the receptionist, who stares at it, eyes narrowed.

Gertrine the Greeter: This is signed by Atropos.

Gumpty Wattle: Yes, she's my boss. But that doesn't mean I'm her spy. I'm not going to inform on you, okay? I just want to see Sako.

Gertrine the Greeter: (sighing) Fine, you can have five minutes with him. But if there's trouble, we'll know who's behind it. If you get me?

Gumpty Wattle swallows nervously and nods.

Gertrine the Greeter: Great. Straight down the corridor, sixth door on the left.

Gumpty Wattle trots away in the direction specified, counting away the doors. She stops at the sixth on the left and raps upon it. Sounds of a hurried scuffle are heard, and then a deep voice calls: "Enter."

Gumpty Wattle opens the door. The room beyond is quite large, and stuffed end-to-end with fat, multi-coloured cushions. Sprawled in the centre is a tall dracnari dressed in loose, shabby trousers and a fraying green shirt. A small table rests among the cushions near his elbow, atop which stands a tall glass of water. There is nothing else in the room.

Gumpty Wattle: Sako! Oh, I'm so glad you're safe!

Gumpty Wattle rushes forward to embrace Sako, but he doesn't move.

Sako Tleem: (squinting) Gumpty? What are you doing here?

Gumpty Wattle: I came to find you, of course! We were so worried.

Sako Tleem: Oh. Oh, yes, I suppose you would have been. I should've thought of that.

Sako Tleem pushes himself up onto his elbows and surveys Gumpty with a mixture of guilt and suspicion in his puffy face.

Sako Tleem: Are you going to inform on me?

Gumpty Wattle: (horrified) But, Sako, why would I do that? I just want to help you.

Sako Tleem: (bitterly) I'll have to go back. I know that. Just give me a little while longer! Please, just another day or two. I'm losing weight.

Gumpty Wattle: (blankly) You're what?

Sako Tleem: Losing weight! Gods, all that food, month in, month out, year upon year! It's a marvel I could move at all. And if I ever set eyes on another piece of carrot cake in my life...

Sako Tleem retches violently and claps a hand over his mouth.

Sako Tleem: I don't even want to think about it!

Gumpty Wattle looks thunderstruck, and begins to giggle, earning an offended look from Sako.

Gumpty Wattle: (whooping with laughter) Oh dear... I am sorry! But when I think of Maendwen this morning, weeping and wailing about how you'll be killed, and you were... you were DIETING!

Gumpty Wattle goes off into fresh howls of laughter, while Sako drops back onto his pillows with a long sigh.

Sako Tleem: Yes, laugh away. You're not chained to the life of a glutton for the next thousand years, forced to eat the same things over and over and over again... THE SAME THINGS, Gumpty! I'm not even allowed to have chocolate cake instead!

Gumpty Wattle stops laughing and nods much more seriously.

Gumpty Wattle: You're right, of course. It's dreadful. But I've got an idea or two, if you'll hear them.

Sako Tleem: My dear girl, if you can make my life worth living I shall give you an entire box of curio pieces all your own. Two boxes!

Gumpty Wattle: (gasping) But, Sako! There are five hundred pieces per box! The Fates would kill you!

Sako Tleem: They won't know. And if They do, They can go hang.

Sako Tleem leaps suddenly to his feet as the orchestra strikes up a loud, rather angry tune. He sings in a surprisingly mellifluous baritone, gesturing extravagantly.

Sako Tleem:  Screw the Fates, I hate all three!

They never, ever cared for me,

Nor gave a fig for all the folks

Whose pain Their heartless deeds provokes.

Working, working, day and night!

Never any end in sight!

Eating, eating, all the time!

'Till I'm so sick and tired that I'm...

...inclined to kill them.

Gumpty Wattle:  Poor old Sako, such a trial!

Was ever any job so vile!

So sick of cake and tea and pie,

Of kabobs, platters, stew and -

Sako Tleem:  Please, no more! I shall be sick,

Please change the topic, double-quick!

For if I even think upon it,

I really think I'm going to -

Sako Tleem retches again, clapping both hands over his mouth this time. The music swells to conceal the sounds of Sako's distress, and then fades away.

Gumpty Wattle: Oh, I'm sorry! Let's speak instead of my Brilliant Idea.

Sako Tleem: (shakily) Yes, let's.

Gumpty Wattle: Okay, here it is. It will require a little bit of training in illusions...

 

Scene Three

The scene darkens, hiding Sako and Gumpty from sight. When the lights come up, the scene has changed once more to the Ackleberry Highway. A becloaked adventurer stands before the bell, ringing it impatiently as a fierce frown darkens his brow.

Moments later a wooden carriage bowls up, drawn by a matched pair of dashros. The carriage stops and Sako Tleem jumps out and opens the passenger compartment door. He is clad once more in his orange robe, looking much more trim and muscular than before.

Sako Tleem: Just one hundred gold sovereigns to board the carriage! Tleem Transport, always the best!

The adventurer ignores this announcement and thrusts a steaming pie at the driver. A grimace of acute distress crosses Sako's face, but it is gone in an instant, replaced with an enthusiastic smile.

Smiling, Sako Tleem: Ahh, Troka's rockeater pie. Thank you very much!

Sako Tleem removes the pie from the box, completely unfazed by its heat, and takes bite after leisurely bite until it is all gone. He presses a wooden curio piece into the adventurer's hand, who immediately teleports away.

The moment the adventurer is gone, Sako dissolves the illusion of an empty pie-plate, revealing Troka's special rockeater pie intact and untouched.

Sako Tleem hefts the pie, draws back his arm and hurls the pie as hard as he can into the nearby field. It sails out of sight, landing a moment later with an audible THUNK.

Sako Tleem smiles to himself, shuts up the passenger compartment door and waits, checking his watch.

A second dracnari comes bustling up the highway moments later, dressed in an orange robe exactly like Sako's. In fact, the two dracnari look remarkably similar.

Sako Tleem: Hail, Sako Two! You're right on time.

Sako Tleem: Hail, Sako One! I'm all ready.

Sako Tleem: Great! I'm off for a swim.

The second Sako Tleem climbs into the carriage driver's seat and drives away, leaving the original Sako standing by himself in the road, hands in his pockets and wearing the broadest of smiles. He begins whistling to himself, the orchestra swiftly picking up the tune, and then breaks into song.

Sako Tleem: Gumptious Gumpty, charming girl!

You promised you would change my world,

Why, so you have, you little fiend!

And if you hadn't intervened,

In deep despair I would have stayed,

And solved my woes with sharpish blade.

Sako Tleem pauses, disconcerted, and sings a final line.

Sako Tleem: Good Gods, I sound like Maendwen.

Sako Tleem smiles, shakes his head, and ambles away into the field, staring up into the sunny blue sky and whistling cheerily to himself.

 

THE END.