DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Leloosroo Harabroo: The Unfortunate Scientist

Zvoltz: The Lord Architect

Molooon Dibloo: The Incompetent Scientist

Teleeee Molmon: The Unusually Stupid Scientist

Nelelldic Mrelcree: The Marginally Skilled Scientist

Klasli Staic: The Long-Suffering Judge

Kea: The Bird

----

SCENE ONE: THE EXPERIMENT

A booming blast of thunder echoes across the dark stage.

Suddenly, a bright bolt of crackling lightning flares upon the stage
as the lights suddenly turn on, revealing a filthy laboratory and humble
operating table.

Leloosroo staggers out onto the stage with tears streaming from his
eyes.

Leloosroo (flopping onto the operating table and tearing at his
headfeathers): Woe! Woe! Oh, cruel fate! Unhappy fortune! Woe!

Leloosroo: I am lost! I am destroyed! I am vanquished by a slip of paper
and some stripling of a scribe!

Leloosroo (sitting up straight and speaking right to the audience):
There I was, ready to make my name and prove myself to be a paragon of
science! Everything was prepared!

Leloosroo: The machines were prepared. I had screwed every screw and
bolted every bolt.

Leloosroo: True, it was a machine that could raise the dead. That is no
special thing. But it could also do more than that!

Leloosroo: The dead were to rise better than they were before. Stronger.
Faster. Smarter.

Leloosroo: All I needed was a corpse! And I had it. The freshest corpse
in the overcity was all mine, to do with as I pleased!

Leloosroo (wailing and falling back onto the table): Then the confounded
scribe took it from me! He said that I had not filed the proper permit.
He said that I could only claim a carcass if I first filed a form!

Leloosroo: The nerve of the man. He had the carcass confiscated!

Leloosroo (standing up and pulling a bird out of his pocket): And what
do I have left? A dead parrot!

Leloosroo: I have to make do with my sister's old pet! I had to sneak
down to her garden and dig it up out of the dirt! With my own two hands!

Leloosroo: Like a common graduate student!

Leloosroo starts to pace back and forth across the stage.

Leloosroo (madly gesturing with his dead parrot): To make things even
worse, the competition is tomorrow morning! I have to turn this thing
into a prize-winning experiment in less than eight hours!

Leloosroo: What am I to do? The principles should be the same for a
trill as for a parrot, but I'm going to need a lot more power!

Leloosroo suddenly stops pacing and gets a wicked gleam in his eyes.

Leloosroo: I have a cunning scheme.

Leloosroo: As it happens, I once bested a certain architect at
psychodrama. It wasn't terribly difficult, truth be told. He owes me a
favour in payment for a wager on the game.

Leloosroo: Zvoltz! Zvoltz! I need you.

Leloosroo spends an awkward moment tapping his foot and staring into
space.

Leloosroo (with mild annoyance): I know you can hear me. Get down here.
You made a promise and you will keep it.

A single gigantic bolt of lightning flashes down onto the stage.

More bolts branch of off the first. Soon the entire stage is nothing but
a huge mass of lightning.

Zvoltz steps out of the lightning as it starts to fade away and inclines
his head at Leloosroo.

Zvoltz: I am shocked to hear you call upon me so soon. Speak, mortal,
and tell me what you need.

Leloosroo (pointing at the table): I need more lightning. Let me just
strap this carcass down and you can put the lightning into the machine
for me.

Zvoltz: Of corpse. I'll do it right away and then we will be even. How
much lightning did you need?

Leloosroo: I prepared it to receive ten thousand volts, but I'll need at
least three times that much if it's going to work on this corpse. You
can do the math to find out how many volts that is, or you can round and
supply it with one zvolt instead.

Zvoltz says nothing, but the crackling lightning around him makes a
sound that strongly resembles a sigh.

Leloosroo saunters over to his table and straps his dead parrot down
into position.

Leloosroo nods at Zvoltz and then runs and dives for cover.

Zvoltz (raising his hands high over his head): Watch carefully, mortal.
You might find the opportunity to witness the power of an Elder
quite...enlightning.

Zvoltz slowly exhales, releasing several huge bolts of lightning that
dart into the machine.

The machine rattles and shakes as it starts to function.

Zvoltz (turning away from the machine): Now, if you will excuse me, I
have gifts to deliver and a goddess to woo.

Leloosroo: Do you really think you can win her over with presents?

Zvoltz (as he disappears in a burst of lightning): Aye, sooner or later.

Leloosroo takes a few steps back from the machine as electricity surges
through it.

Leloosroo cackles as electricity crackles through the machine, and a low
whirring noise starts to echo across the stage.

Kea starts to shake, squawk, and try to break free from the table.

Leloosroo: It lives! By Cririk, it lives!

Kea breaks free from the table and soars up into the air just a few
moments before the entire machine explodes.

Kea (landing on the ground in front of Leloosroo): I....Kea?

Leloosroo (looking terribly disappointed): It can't even conjugate. How
unfortunate.

Leloosroo: Well, no matter. I still have a few hours to teach it
everything it needs to know.

The stage goes dark as Leloosroo kneels down in front of Kea and starts
to lecture the poor little bird.

----

SCENE TWO: THE COMPETITION

The stage brightens once more, revealing a particularly miserable
looking man sitting at a desk and gazing at a row of bizarre machines.

Klasli (sighing): Let's get this over with. Contestant One?

Molooon Dibloo saunters onto the stage with a smile on his face and
takes up a position next to one of the machines.

Molooon: Greetings, honoured judge. It is my distinct honour to come
before you on this magnificent day and present the fruit of my arduous
labours.

Klasli: Dispense with the pleasantries.

Molooon: Of course.

Molooon turns around a presses a suspiciously big and red button on his
machine.

A sickening smell, not unlike that of a dog that rolled in moist
garbage, fills the theatre.

Klasli (with a slight hint of disgust in his voice): How...aromatic.

Molooon: That is precisely what it is! How did you know?

Klasli: A lucky guess. Does it have a function beyond reeking havoc with
our sense of smell?

Molooon (grinning): Of course! It is the arrowmatic. One need only place
wood, feathers, and steel in one end and complete arrows will come out
of the other!

Klasli: Arrows.

Molooon: That is correct.

Klasli: I am going to ask you a question. I want you to answer it very
carefully.

Molooon: It would be my pleasure!

Klasli: Have you ever seen an archer in Hallifax?

Molooon: I have not.

Klasli: Would you like to hazard a guess as to why that is the case?

Molooon: Because arrows are too expensive, of course. But I have solved
that problem!

Klasli: Incorrect. Archery is an obsolete technology due to the
development of beam generators and void blasters. Please get out of my
sight before I arrange for you to be the guest of honour at a
demonstration of their power.

Klasli: Next!

Molooon sadly slumps offstage.

Teleeee bounds out onto the stage with a grin plastered across her face.

Teleeee: GREETINGS!

Klasli: Please curb your enthusiasm before I have the guards curb your
existence.

Teleeee: But, sir! I am ever so excited to show you my marvelous
invention!

Klasli: Please do so quietly.

Teleeee (in a loud stage whisper): I have developed a device that can
turn fae into polyhedra!

Klasli (with the slightest hint of hope in his voice): That sounds quite
promising.

Teleeee: I had a faeling you would like it.

Klasli: Are you going to demonstrate?

Teleeee: Ah. Well. You see. Therein lies the problem. I could not
actually find any fae.

Klasli: So your machine is untested.

Teleeee: You could certainly say that.

Klasli: You are a complete and utter faelure. Leave.

Teleeee morosely moseys out of sight.

Klasli: Board have mercy on me. Next!

Nelelldic walks out onto the stage with his head held high.

Nelelldic: I will be brief. Have you ever wanted to have a garden of
your very own, but been unable to grow plants in a flying city?

Klasli: Not particularly.

Nelelldic: Oh. Well, let us pretend that you have. I invented a device
that produces fertilizer so effective that you will be able to make that
dream come true! Observe!

Nelelldic sticks his arm into his machine. There is a strange whirring
noise, followed by the sound of a blade cutting into flesh.

Nelelldic screams very loudly as a steady stream of blood flows out of
the machine.

Klasli: That is blood.

Nelelldic (withdrawing his bloody arm from the machine): It is
fertilizer that looks like blood. Very effective.

Klasli: And you think people will actually use this machine?

Nelelldic: Certainly. As the proverb goes, 'No pain, no grain.'

Klasli: I will take that under consideration. Next!

Nelelldic desperately tries to stop his blood from oozing out of his
wounds as he walks out of sight.

Leloosroo calmly walks out onto the stage with Kea standing on his
shoulder.

Leloosroo (gesturing towards Kea): Behold, my greatest creation!

Klasli: That is a parrot.

Leloosroo: Her name is Kea. She is an intelligent parrot.

Klasli: I see. And what makes her so intelligent?

Kea: Science made me so intelligent!

Leloosroo: Precisely. It is just as she said.

Klasli: Your experiment was training a parrot to say that it is
intelligent?

Leloosroo: No, no, not at all. I raised it from the dead in a way that
turned it into a genius. Isn't that right, Kea?

Kea: It's exactly right.

Klasli: And how do I know that this bird is actually intelligent?

Leloosroo: We both told you so.

Klasli: Yes, yes. I'm supposed to take your word for it. Do you know
what the problem with that is?

Kea: You've seen a lot of talking parrots?

Klasli: Yes, yes. Exactly. You are smarter than your alleged creator,
but that doesn't mean you're intelligent. Every parrot can speak!
Speaking proves nothing!

Klasli: Still, I'm sad to say that this is the most potentially
impressive thing I've seen today. I will give you a chance to prove your
intelligence.

Kea: What do you want me to do?

Klasli: You are going to take your scientist and go into that storage
closet over there. Using anything in there that you like, you are to
create an object of sufficient complexity that only an intelligent being
could create it.

Leloosroo: Far be it from me to make this easier on myself and my bird,
but what's to stop me from just building it for her?

Klasli: I'll keep a servant watching through the keyhole. You can use
your pet scientist for his thumbs and his lifting strength, but you have
to do all of the design yourself. You have one hour.

Klasli: Am I understood?

Kea: You are understood.

Klasli: Good. I suggest you get started.

Kea imperiously points one of her wings at the storage closet.

Leloosroo jogs into the closet with Kea clutching to his shoulder.

Klasli returns to his desk as the stage goes dark.

----

SCENE THREE: THE TEST

The lights brighten once more, revealing Kea and Leloosroo staring at a
gigantic heap of wood.

Leloosroo: Well, my thumbs and my upper body strength are at your
disposal. What do you want me to do with them?

Kea: We need to make something out of wood. That makes the choice easy.
We are going to make a chair.

Leloosroo: A chair?

Kea: A chair. Would you agree that dogs, cats, and the majority of
Gaudiguch's residents are so stupid that they cannot be considered
people?

Leloosroo: Of course.

Kea: And would you agree that they are all capable of sitting?

Leloosroo: I would.

Kea: Tell me, where do they sit?

Leloosroo: On the floor.

Kea: Just so. And where do people, such as Hallifaxians, sit?

Leloosroo: On chairs.

Kea: Precisely! Thus we find that the defining feature of personhood is
the ability to produce and use chairs. Now start lifting up those planks
so that I can get a good look at them.

Leloosroo grabs a chunk of wood and holds it up for inspection.

Kea: No.

Leloosroo grabs a different chunk of wood and holds it up for
inspection.

Kea: No.

Leloosroo grabs yet another chunk of wood and holds it up for
inspection.

Kea: Maybe.

Leloosroo: Shall I put it aside?

Kea: I suppose so. This would be easier if I had been born a woodpicker
instead of a parrot.

Leloosroo: Don't you mean a woodpecker?

Kea: No. Don't be vulgar. Just be quiet and keep handling that wood for
me.

Leloosroo continues to hold chunks of wood up for inspection, and Kea
continues to inspect them. Soon there are two piles of wood sitting on
the ground.

Kea: Now, I think it is time to start erecting a chair. I am going to
show you a woodworking trick that every bird knows. You musn't show it
to anybody.

Leloosroo: I won't.

Kea starts pecking the wood into shape. Soon he has several lengths of
wood with strangely slanted joints pecked into the ends.

Kea: Now hold the ends together and hit them as hard as you can.

Leloosroo looks around for a hammer and fails to find one.

Leloosroo puts the pieces of wood on the ground, lines up the edges, and
kicks them as hard as he can until their joints are locked together.

Leloosroo: Very nice. What do you call this secret avian technique?

Kea: A dovetail joint.

Klasli suddenly throws the storage closet's door open and steps into the
room.

Klasli: Your time is up. What do you have for me?

Kea: A chair.

Klasli: That looks suspiciously like a flat pile of planks.

Kea: Pick it up.

Klasli picks up the chair, and as he does so the chair's legs fold down
into their proper position.

Klasli: I am impressed. What did you say your name was?

Kea: I, Kea.

Leloosroo: You never did get the hang of conjugation, did you?

Klasli: Unimportant. Kea, you have produced something that surpasses the
offerings of all of the actual contestants.

Klasli: In light of that fact, it is my marginal pleasure to declare you
the winner of the competition. Well done.

Kea: Do I get a prize?

Klasli: We will open a bank account in your name and deposit a sum of
money in it for you.

Leloosroo (beaming): Do I get a prize too?

Klasli: Your prize is the right to have pride in the fact that you pried
prized knowledge from the universe.

Kea (turning to directly address the audience): And as we all know,
knowledge is the greatest prize of all!

The lights grow dim and the curtain falls as the entire cast walks off
of the stage.