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Becoming a father by Arian
Merit for June 2016
[The following text is an excerpt from a journal written by Arian, some 150+ years ago]
As my soul meditated and resolved its issues over the years I had slumbered, I returned to the realms many years older. It was strange to be awake after so long, and I felt lost and confused. So much had changed in my absence, and it was quite a shock to come back.
I managed to find a quiet spot to settle myself and find my feet, when a huge blow came that almost knocked me over.
I was a divorcee.
[redacted] had divorced me in my absence, leaving me a message of "sorry". I cried for hours, my heart broken and my head a mess. I blamed myself for having to leave, knowing that had I not this would not be reality. I was depressed because I knew there was no reason to blame myself, my leaving could not be helped. And I was also furious that my first love could do this to me. Leaving me and moving on, after promising he could wait - and tarnishing my name with 'divorce'. It was not what I had imagined when I got married.
I somehow managed to read through the tonne of news that had been written, and my city and guild were no longer what I knew. I felt like a stranger in my own home. My friends were older and changed, some gone. My parents had fallen into dormancy, and my now ex-husband had moved on and remarried. I felt utterly alone.
It was with a heavy heart and apprehension I took my leave of the Aquamancers, and the city of Celest. I did not know them anymore, and with my heartache I knew I needed to leave and compose myself. Keeping with me my skills learned in the Aquamancers, I ventured into the Basin and survived on my knowledge and instinct.
I kept out of public view, staying within the forests, side roads, and even rivers. I just needed to be alone and remember who I was.
Eventually I set up camp in the mountains. I had been there for a couple of years now, almost 40 years of age, living off the local plants and animals and using my Aquamancy for refreshment - easily sustaining the nearby water supply. It was a contenting life, if solitary. My mind had cleared, my heart had healed with nothing but bruises remaining, and I was well on my way to regaining my self awareness.
I was never bothered or met by other people - except on this one day. While on a daily walk along the mountains, looking for some new plants, I spotted a figure in the distance. A tall figure, cloaked in black shadow with a strange, misshapen creature trailing behind them. I had never invested much of my time into learning the art of combat, and decided it best I hide. I spread my wings and flew swiftly to the small lake just east of me, calling upon my powers of Aquamancy to take on the liquid form. My body purely water, I dived into the water and kept hidden, watching as the figure approached.
As they neared, I heard a gentle 'clacking' noise - talons upon the mountains. This figure was dracnari, the tip of their tail sticking out from their long robe. They approached the lake without hesitation, making an odd hand gesture in the air. As they did so, the strange creature following behind disappeared from sight before I could see it properly.
I withdrew further into the water, knowing I was completely hidden from sight. I had never held the liquid form for so long, and I ached with concentration as I felt my power drain to maintain it.
The strange figure reached the lake and stopped at the edge, lowering the hood on their robe. The dracnari looked male, and gazed right at me with large yellow eyes. I was scared, sure they could see me but calming myself in the knowledge it was impossible.
"Come now, Aquamancer. I won't harm you."
Fear ripped through me at the shock this man could see me, surely using some unknown power. My concentration broke and my body reformed, and I flew out of the water and into the air. I wanted to fly away, and I gained height quickly.
Looking down, I almost cried out as a glowing hexagram sped towards me. It hit me, wrapping me up and pulling me to the ground. I fell with a crunch and groaned loudly, quickly applying some salve to my head.
I got to my feet and summoned my dragon turtle and staff, poised to attack but filled with fear. The dracnari laughed as I did so, and waved me down, assuring me he meant no harm. His eyes briefly changed to a bright blue, and I know only now that he had changed my look on reality. I stood relaxed and accepted him as a friend, unaware of how he had manipulated me with magics I had yet to know.
He stayed with me for a couple of years, sharing my life and being my companion. Never did we cross from friendship into lovers, but there was a special bond I felt for this man I could not explain. A relationship without love making.
He had told me his name was Xichesaangi, and he had come from an old city that had came back into being without my notice. He told me of Gaudiguch and Hallifax, freed from time. I had had no idea of events happening in the realms, up here on my own in the mountains. It hit me then how much I had removed myself from society, shocked that I could miss such a thing.
He told me he had come from Gaudiguch where he served as a dracnari guard, a redhand, who had decided to leave the city to wander the Basin and find his own way. He told me many great stories of the city, and of Hallifax, and how they were enemies. It intrigued me greatly and we settled each night by the fire, gazing at the stars as he told me more.
I thoroughly enjoyed his company, though he did have one trait that was somewhat annoying. As a guard, he grew used to being praised and complimented, and now needed it each day. Each day I would need to give him compliments, and as much as it wasn't a hardship, it was tedious.
This particular night, Xichesaangi stood before me and reached out to take my hand. I briefly remember feeling a rectangular object as his eyes changed to blue once more, now knowing it to be a tarot card as he once more changed my view on reality.
Love and passion ran through me as I gazed upon him, my heart full and my body eager. That was the only night we made love together, and the next morning my feelings ebbed comfortably away, before I felt we were no more than friends again.
I won't give you details, but it is important to mention that the love making was somewhat...different, to what I knew. He was very secretive and shy, and it only became apparent to me why much later in life.
Not long after this, Xichesaangi told me that he must leave for other places, and that he must do so alone. I was saddened that he didn't want me with him, but I let him go. We said our goodbyes, and promised to keep in touch by letter or telepathic communication.
I stayed in the mountains for a few more years, with stories of Gaudiguch and Hallifax running through my mind. I had known for a while I was to go to them, but it wasn't until now I knew it was time. I called my dragon turtle Ryuu, and told him that my time with him was at an end. It was a saddening time as I had grown up with him, but I knew it had to be so. I told him he must start his own life, and with his own kind. As we both spread our wings, we took flight into the air and made our own way in opposing directions.
I wasn't entirely sure where I was going, just going on what Xichesaangi had told me and hoping for the best. I stayed in the skies for the whole day, looking for this floating city of emerald. It wasn't until the sun was beginning to set that I saw it, just visible as the clouds moved. I flapped my wings and sped towards it, tired from the long journey.
Landing on a large spire, I wandered around for a bit, trying to find my way and someone to help me. I was bustled and bumped around by many, none stopping to take the time to speak to me. The place was like a maze, and I was sure I went in a circle more than once.
Finally I found someone to help me, and I was quickly inducted into the city collegium as a novice of the Aeromancers. After almost pleading for help, I was pointed to the scrolls I needed.
This place was odd and strange, and I felt far from comfortable. The people were rude and unhelpful, and though many of my race were here, I didn't belong here. I was sure of it.
After only a months time there, many of the days of which I slept, I left the city behind. I spread my wings and took to the skies once more, flying towards the mountains and the desert, looking hopefully for the city of Gaudiguch that Xichesaangi had praised so much.
It took almost a full day and night to find Gaudiguch, hidden in the rocky terrain beside the unforgiving desert. I stumbled into the city lost and tired, and found an old friend. I had known Ione from the Aquamancers, and she was now here, serving as an Illuminati! She welcomed me with open arms as many citizens smiled and said hello to me. I felt relaxed and safe, and quickly fell to sleep after joining the Illuminati.
I regret to say I slumbered for a few years, before returning at the grand old age of 50.
I woke to a letter delivered by wakabi, and noticed Xichesaangi's signature at the bottom. I realised then I hadn't kept in touch at all since we went our separate ways, and it saddened me. However, I had things to catch up with in my new home first before I read this letter. The news here pleased me, and I felt at home, truly.
Finding a quiet place in the Riddachi Gardens, I settled in the lotus position and took Xichesaangi's letter from my pack. It was hastily written, with very little detail and straight to the point.
Xichesaangi was no male, she was female. She had concealed herself with a performance ability, using her abilities of paradigmatics to trick me. She apologized greatly for this, but told me she had enjoyed our time together. Most shockingly, she told me of our child. My hands fell into my lap and I gazed into space, shocked and confused.
Then it all hit me and made sense. The secrecy, the strange way she acted when we made love, why she left not long after...
I had a child.
I couldn't believe it. My childish side kicked in to try and protect myself from the overwhelming shock and emotion, an inner voice teasing that I had made love to a woman. But now was not the time. I had a child, and I needed to know more. I sought out Xichesaangi's mind, desperate to tell her. I found nothing. I had not received any details from her on how to contact her other than telepathic means. I was distraught at the thought I might never know my child.
I picked up the letter again and continued to read, trying to stay sane. I had a daughter, dracnari in appearance, with wings and hair like her father. She had been born on the 1st of Urlachmar, in the year I turned 40.
Already I had missed ten years of her life, and I had no other desire but to find her. Xichesaangi wrote that she will find me, that she had raised our daughter to do so, with stories and hints in her mind to find Gaudiguch, as she had done with me. She had planned all along that we would find each other in the same place.
I knew that I must work hard, so that when my daughter found me I would be something to be proud of. I excelled in my studies and work in the Illuminati, making friends and rising in the ranks. I found love in the Divine, under the watch of Lady Kalikai. I had truly made a name for myself - and not just the nickname of 'Feathercakes' given to me by the Lady Herself!
I served as secretary in my guild for years, before I was elected Archprelate, the guild administrator. I was also appointed Minister of Cultural Affairs in Gaudiguch, and I enjoyed both roles thoroughly.
As I sat in my office in the guild pyramid working on some matters that needed attending, I was started as the collegium was told of a new Illuminati novice.
I called welcome and greetings to the novice over the telepathic collegium aether, telling her of which scrolls to read and how to speak back to me. Arunasapta was her name, and she politely thanked me and informed me she would do so.
Even as I write this, excitement builds within me as I remember, so I won't drag out the details. We spent much time together, Arunasapta and I, and I mentored her as she grew in the guild. She had great potential and it pleased me greatly to see such enthusiasm. She was an intelligent young dracnari, and such a pleasant person in general. I felt great emotion for her, and was puzzled as to why I felt such fierce protection of her.
As I walked the streets of Gaudiguch one day, I froze stiff. Arunasapta flashed before my eyes, Xichesaangi's letter, the time we spent together, everything. I hastily called Arunasapta over the guild aether, asking her to join me in my office.
I almost ran, taking a seat, fidgeting nervously as my mind raced with thoughts and feelings. I left my office door open, and after a few minutes Arunasapta walked in with a smile upon her face. I greeted her, trying to contain my emotion and gesturing for her to have a seat. Her dark hair was long, and two small wings sat proudly on her back.
I don't know how I could have ever missed it, not remembered before now. My mind boggled at the idea. I was nervous of rejection, and how I could tell her I was her father? So I just let my mouth run and hope the words that came out were correct.
I told her I did not know how to say this, but that I believed she was my daughter. I asked how she felt about this, her thoughts, and that I knew this because of memories that I had just pieced together.
To my almost annoyance, she remained calm throughout and I could not read her face for a clue to her feelings. She nodded slowly as I stopped talking, feeling sick with nerves. She told me she would like some time to think it over, and I told her that was more than fine. And really, that was it. She left my office and I paced the floor, waiting to hear her reply.
Luckily, I didn't need to wait long.
She told me her memories of her mothers teachings and stories of me had returned, and our connection strengthened. We recognised each other as family, and embraced in happiness that we had finally found each other.