We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack! To be fair, we never really were GONE, per se, just...Well, it's a long story involving a writing retreat in the Shifting City and said city doing what it does eponymously best and leaving us a bit stranded in non-existence for a few score years, but fortunately there's an entire village of edible architecture - albeit perhaps a few cottages less now - so cannibalism (despite our food critic's suggestions) was never TRULY considered. 

 In any case, we're back, happy and fat, and once we get all our robes resized, you can expect us to be churning out publications at....some sort of pace. Yes! So, Ladies and Gents, I am pleased to present....     

 

---------------------| THE GAUDIGUCH GOSSIP |-------------------------

 -------< Best source in the Basin for news, gossip and more! >--------

 ------------------------ Roarkian, 458 CE ----------------------------

 -- BASIN-WIDE NEWS | CITY BIZ | JUICY GOSSIP | GAMES AND MISCELLANY --

  

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------------------------- BASIN-WIDE NEWS ----------------------------

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 IKLARA BREACHED! LONG-LOST GODDESS FOUND! STAR-STRUCK MONSTERS SWARM FOR

AUTOGRAPHS! IS DOOM IMMINENT? --- Special report by "I-Really-Should-Be-Editor-In-Chief" Xirba "the Incendiary" Flamequill

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 Reports have been surging in from across the Basin ever since a curious occurrence happened years ago down in the Skarch, breaching the sky itself to tear a hole open to the long-lost divine creche of Iklara, fabled birthplace of Mysrai and Zvoltz...and apparently a glamorous, artistic sister of Their's. Seemingly quite the celebrity in Her homeland, She brings with Her an entourage of starry-eyed followers known as the thelemors, who have been roaming the highways and cities of the Basin trying to catch a glimpse of Her rainbow form. 

 "She hasn't even performed on a stage," one bard griped when asked for comment, pointing out the Goddess's noted reticence. Indeed, few first-hand reports exist of Her actual presence, leading some to speculate that deeper mysteries are afoot, especially with the curious absence of Her brother, Zvoltz the Architect, and an ominous silence from a drained and exhausted Thousandfold.

 "Look," said one grizzled Templar, known for frequenting Her fulcrux. "I'm not saying there's doom and destruction on the horizon. I'm just saying that there's not NOT doom coming our way." 

 In unrelated news, shops are reporting a heavy spike in sales of outhouse paper and umbrellas.

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 NORTHERN ALLIANCE ENTANGLES BASIN IN A THORNY EMBRACE! --- political news by special correspondent Selmmie Squipples

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Shouts rose up early in the year as yet another village was claimed by the infamous alliance of the Northern cities (and Serenwilde), leaving the entire Basin under the rule of Order, Light and...Trees? Sure, why not. Investigating deeper, this reporter has discovered that not all are happy with such dominance, even among the victorious despots.

 "It's gotten to the point where all I do is plant trees," one Elfen was heard to complain. "And given some of the rumors I've heard, I'm starting to suspect my own commune may be behind it."

 Perhaps as a result of the loaded powderkeg the political scene has led to, the forests themselves seem to be lashing out, with cities across the Basin hit indiscriminately by rampant waves of vine-like growth.

 "They can have all the villages they want," a source requesting to remain anonymous gleefully cackled. "They just may have to wade through a jungle to get there. F'ai Glomdoring! I mean, go Serenwilde! Yay Stag!" 

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----------------------------- CITY BIZ -------------------------------

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 MISSING LIBRARIAN FOUND; EAGER YOUNG CITIZENS TO BLAME --- cultural report by Chixattho Sandwhisper

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 The city's Librarian, Miss Talan Ysav'rai, has been missing for months now, leading to a special investigation spearheaded by the Oberburgermeister Steingrim himself. After a frantic search for several nerve-wracking days, the trill was finally found in the library, buried beneath a mountain of books. A formal investigation was launched, and when the investigators got bored of that and wandered off to go find whiskey instead, a more casual glance at the tomes in question led this reporter to some enlightening discoveries.

 It seems all of the activity lately has lit a fire underneath some rear ends, with an influx of new citizens graduating from the Secret Flame bright-eyed and eager to make a name for themselves. The city's generous reward payouts of up to fifty credits a publication were dismissed as a reason for the enthusiasm, with one young scholar innocently remarking, "I just found myself inspired by the city's beauty. Oh what, these new robes? Umm...they were a gift. Yeah..." 

 Despite a few ruffled feathers and some nasty ink stains, the Librarian seems likely to make a full recovery, although her subsequent step back into the political arena has left some whispering in worry that her head was knocked more than a few times during the avalanche.

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 FLESHPOTS ATTACKED!!! CITY RECOVERS; OPENS BAR IN DEFIANCE --- restaurant review by Jonrah Brahnin

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 To make things clear, I was not suggesting cannibalism itself during the retreat, Flamequill, as I am acutely aware you recall. I was merely pointing out that, SHOULD it have come to that, Madame Qatnga has more than enough voluptuous...advice to go around. 

 That slander dismissed, let us speak of the novel new bistro I've discovered in the heart of the city's bazaar: The Flame and Flesh Tavern, at the far western end of the marketplace. Though the ambiance is...enthusiastic and the crowd a bit rowdy, the fare is hearty, homestyle cooking at its best, with a selection of finger-food, filling plates and a wide range of in-house brewed beverages to wash it down.

 I, personally, am delighted to see such a tavern open - long have our palettes been drowned in gravies, spoiled by sauces and soured by sweets. We are for overdue for a rustic revival, and it seems Gaudiguch is paving the culinary way. I offer a toast, and my gout is glad for this relief. 

 4/5 stars. The wait staff leaves a bit to be desired.

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--------------------------- JUICY GOSSIP -----------------------------

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 WHY BOTHER WITH A HEADLINE. WE KNOW THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME TO READ --- rumours courtesy of the Gaudiguch Gossip

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 That's not just incense and clumsy Pyromancers you are smelling - love is in the air! A little wakabi has passed on that not one, but TWO engagements have been proposed in the past year. The first features a brave little Templar with distinctly rabbit-like ears shacking up with a recently-appointed sage of a certain burning truth. The second comes with rumours of heartache for an unknown third party, as someone cultural has apparently de-Ciphered her heart and is already looking at potential children to adopt...one of who seems to be writing poems at a Champion pace. Whispers do note the stark disparity in age and rank for all these couples, though surely nothing...improper is going on...

 Speaking of improper, sources tell us a little kerfuffle has gone down in the Minstrel's guild, with someone singing the wrong song to the wrong person. Time will see how this unfolds, but perhaps we'll be seeing an old face back among the Council soon....

 On the topic of faces - or lack of - those enigmatic Illuminati are up to something with their Templar brethren, with whispers of something called a Paragon program filtering their way through the city. A new ritual? A rediscovered one? An overwrought excuse for extra-maritial entanglements? Check back with us for updates...

 Since we've mentioned entanglements, we may as well mention several young citizens we've spied getting a bit...frisky at the Flame. Seems some elder citizens have noticed this as well, with at least one body broken in the throes of...well, not quite the type of burning they were expecting! Will we soon succumb to sex in the streets? Will the pleasure palace go out of business? Stay alert for more details....

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-------------------------- GAMES and ETC -----------------------------

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 MADAME QATNGA SEES THE FUTURE!!! --- astrology signs by the esteemed Madame Qatnga

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My dearies, Madame Qatnga sees much in da stars, da stones, da cards. Dare you seek your fate? Read on, but remember dat da paradigms be, ultimately, what you shift them ta be, dzaa.

 Volcano: Be wary o' dat handsome new Illuminatus, dearie. Dey got more dan arms up those sleeves.

Antlers: Consider a visit to the pleasure palace to relieve some o' dat stress. Madame Qatnga sees even more work in your future.

Twin Crystals: Do not trust the cake. It IS poisoned. Madame Qatnga has warned ya.

Dolphin: Your guild plans will play out in interestin' ways, dzaa, though perhaps not what you be expectin'.

Lion: Remember to remove dat armour. You'll know why when da time comes..

Crocodile: Oh, dearie, you should not leave dat manse this year at all, oh, no. The signs are bleak.

Burning Censer: Madame Qatnga advises you be pickin' up an exercise routine. Dat whiskey's starting ta show around da belly.

Spider: Be careful what you be eavesdroppin' on. You may not be liking what you hear.

Dragon: Bet it all on black, dzaa.

Skull: Wait for a full moon before you be implementin' that idea.

Bumblebee: She will be saying no. Madame Qatnga is sorry, dearie.

Glacier: When da wyvern cries, you can be knowin' your time ta act is near, dzaa.

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 JOKES! TAKE THEM! WE DON'T WANT THEM! --- comic corner by TumTum Rumblesnort

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 Hey, wow, I just flew in from the Ackleberry and boy are my arms tired! Because I'm a flying squirrel-kin! Think on it, it's funny. Anyways, old head ed' Flamequill says the only way I can keep telling my jokes around the press office is if I write them down, which, hey, is better than emptying trash, so have fun, folks!

 

Q. What do you call a night out with a Pyromancer?

A. A hot date!

 

Q. What's an Illuminatus's favorite type of tickles?

A. Ten-tickles!

 

Q. What key unlocks most secrets in Gaudiguch?

A. Whis-key!

 

Q. How did the dracnari get to the top of the pyramid?

A. They SCALED it!

 

Q. What did the ribbachi say when he caught a glimse of Agni taking a bath?

A. Nothing, ribbachi can't see, you silly-kins!

 

And for my final joke, I present....Malarious singing! Bye folks, it's been great!

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 GAMES GAMES GALORE --- word scramble and riddles by Kyletyi Fiddlestrings

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 Who doesn't love a good mystery to solve! Have at these and enjoy - answers can be found in the next issue!

 

1. Unscramble these letters to discover a deep dark Illuminati secret:

pehhar peryi owsst xkns rixlb ykroes

 

2. Unscramble these letters to figure out why the Minstrel missed his dress rehearsal:

sah cwyal erh t siaw

 

3. Unscramble these letters to find out the secret of the Templar's strength:

ytlav ralyt yebm lveh saesoe sgtkn

 

4. Not quite a flower, yet distinctly a plant, a sneaky pinch in a drink will soothe any rant.

 

5. Trace my shape, eternally high, I form a star, yet not in the sky.

 

6. I'm large enough to leave a gash and will kill for my future yet to hatch.

 

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------------------------- THE BORING PARTS ---------------------------

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 - Promotional thanks go to the Flesh and Flame tavern (we've been told we should probably mention Jonrah's meal was provided free of charge). 

- Gratitude is expressed to Steingrim for his work restoring the printing press and helping get this issue out the door.

- All rumours are merely rumours until confirmed otherwise.

- Don't set yourself on fire or grow tentacles without taking proper precautions first.

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---------------------------- POSTSCRIPT ------------------------------

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 Due to a fancy new brew on sale over at the Wasted Wakabi, we're unsure when the next issue will make it to press, so...here!

 

1. Xypher wears silky pink boxer shorts.

2. His watch was a lyre.

3. Vyell takes very long steamy baths.

4. Weed

5. Vortex

6. A mother wyvern

  

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Published within:

 

a charred and booze-drenched pamphlet of the Gaudiguch Gossip

 

A sooty pamphlet is here, reeking of booze and emblazoned with the logo of the Gaudiguch Gossip.

 

Little more than a folded sheet of vellum, this pamphlet is flimsy and thin, the result of a cheap mass-manufacturing - likely from someplace in Gaudiguch, judging from its boozy smell and the smattering of scorch marks across its surface. Confirming the initial assessment, a closer glance reveals that the sooty streaks are actually subtle designs, the charred dust sweeping out shapes evocative of the desert city. One arc suggests the fluttering float of butterflies, while a series of undulations capture the rise and fall of sand dunes, with slender twists emulating the leaping dance of fire, tapering off into delicate tendrils like an incense's smoke. Across the face of the pamphlet, stamped in bold, bright red, a simple logo of interlocking Gs superimposed over a chattering mouth heralds this dingy creation as an issue of the Gaudiguch Gossip, the city's irregular periodical publication.