Do you enjoy mucus, flesh, and ancient Illuminati experiments? Do your children ceaselessly bother you for a pet of some sort? Do you have an overabundance of coin, time, and energy to rear and raise new life? Well, you are in luck. The newly formed Vortex Preservation Society has made available a brand new invention of old: The Sarkipose.

They sneeze, they squeal, they adapt to their environment! The sarkipose is a wondrous pet for children of all ages from 6 to 600*, and they are the absolute height of failed Illuminati technology. All fleshseeds are guaranteed harvested fresh from the finest abscesses of the plane. Get yours today, speak to Zhush near the Lovashi valve.

* Due to their immense weight and size, we do not recommend sarkiposes for children younger than the age of six as they are both a crushing and a choking risk.

This advertisement is approved and paid for by the Vortex Preservation Society. The Vortex Preservation Society is not affiliated with the Gaudiguch city government or with the Gaudiguch Gossip.

Penned by My hand on the 15th of Urlachmar, in the year 604 CE.