Daraius2010-04-27 23:09:11
And they're actually described as auburn colored instead of tan, but I decided to fudge that. Thanks very much for the advice!
Lillie2010-04-28 00:33:35
QUOTE
He is an ordinary human and and is small, standing at only four feet tall, which
adds to the overall meekness of his demeanor. His jet-black hair hangs freely to
his pale, slender shoulders, framing a convincingly feminine face. His figure is
slender, but somewhat bumbling and clumsy, and hardly lithe. His form is gently
if subtly rounded, and even his walk has the sway of a woman's. He is wearing an
etched garnet ring, a crimson rosebud earring through his left ear, a crimson
rosebud earring through his right ear, a marble claw ring, a moonstone ring
etched with owls, a pocketbelt, a clear ring, a soft black leather satchel, a
thin cloak of white silk, a pair of black shoes, a shimmering white dress, and a
black beret hat.
adds to the overall meekness of his demeanor. His jet-black hair hangs freely to
his pale, slender shoulders, framing a convincingly feminine face. His figure is
slender, but somewhat bumbling and clumsy, and hardly lithe. His form is gently
if subtly rounded, and even his walk has the sway of a woman's. He is wearing an
etched garnet ring, a crimson rosebud earring through his left ear, a crimson
rosebud earring through his right ear, a marble claw ring, a moonstone ring
etched with owls, a pocketbelt, a clear ring, a soft black leather satchel, a
thin cloak of white silk, a pair of black shoes, a shimmering white dress, and a
black beret hat.
And, when genderbent:
QUOTE
She is an ordinary Human and is only four feet tall, marking her as short for her race, even considering her young age. Fittingly, her demeanor is humble and meek, and her large hazel eyes are often downcast as if in fear. Her night-dark hair hangs in two long, tight pigtails to her shoulders, framing her round and youthful face. Her figure, though thin, belies any impression of grace; she seems to have difficulty keeping her balance even just standing still. Her curves are subtle and soft and hardly visible, and her overall impression is one of timid meekness. She is wearing the same stuff she wears in male form.
I'm open to any suggestions because they both seem kind of awkward and choppy to me.
Everiine2010-04-28 03:29:27
It feels choppy because you've tried to squeeze as much into a single sentence as you could, separating it all with commas, which break it up because, as you read, you have to pause in your mind where you would, normally, take a breath (just like this last sentence).
Try this:
He is an ordinary human and stands only four feet tall, which adds to the overall meekness of his demeanor. His jet-black hair frames a convincingly feminine face and hangs freely to his pale, slender shoulders. His slendor figure is hardly lithe; it is in fact somewhat bumbling and clumsy. He carries his subtly rounded form with a woman's sway as he walks.
I am confused by this however in your original description: His figure is slender, but somewhat bumbling and clumsy, and hardly lithe. Those are opposite pictures in my mind. I'm curious how you imagine that looking like.
Try this:
He is an ordinary human and stands only four feet tall, which adds to the overall meekness of his demeanor. His jet-black hair frames a convincingly feminine face and hangs freely to his pale, slender shoulders. His slendor figure is hardly lithe; it is in fact somewhat bumbling and clumsy. He carries his subtly rounded form with a woman's sway as he walks.
I am confused by this however in your original description: His figure is slender, but somewhat bumbling and clumsy, and hardly lithe. Those are opposite pictures in my mind. I'm curious how you imagine that looking like.
Lillie2010-04-28 03:54:12
Thanks, and to clarify:
Typically, when someone is slender, at least in a fantasy world like Lusternia, you imagine some graceful, slender, smooth figure. But Lillie's not like that at all. He's lanky and clumsy and bumbling and generally all over the place.
Typically, when someone is slender, at least in a fantasy world like Lusternia, you imagine some graceful, slender, smooth figure. But Lillie's not like that at all. He's lanky and clumsy and bumbling and generally all over the place.
Everiine2010-04-28 04:00:29
It was the juxtaposition of "slender" and "lithe" that confused me.
Unknown2010-04-28 08:53:35
This is what I am using right now.
"She is an ordinary human and is very petite, with bright red hair hanging
down just long enough to brush her delicate shoulders. Her intelligent blue
eyes shine like orbs of sky, bejewelling her faintly elf-like face. Upon this
face she will often display her warm, dimpling smile. Her slim frame is
nothing much to speak of save for her rather shapely hips. Most notable
of all her features however, is the feline grace with which she moves.
This young woman could have been a trained dancer for most of her life,
or an acrobat. She is wearing a canvas backpack, a dark purple lace
corset, an angled, short black skirt, and soft, thigh high boots."
Any feedback? Suggestions?
"She is an ordinary human and is very petite, with bright red hair hanging
down just long enough to brush her delicate shoulders. Her intelligent blue
eyes shine like orbs of sky, bejewelling her faintly elf-like face. Upon this
face she will often display her warm, dimpling smile. Her slim frame is
nothing much to speak of save for her rather shapely hips. Most notable
of all her features however, is the feline grace with which she moves.
This young woman could have been a trained dancer for most of her life,
or an acrobat. She is wearing a canvas backpack, a dark purple lace
corset, an angled, short black skirt, and soft, thigh high boots."
Any feedback? Suggestions?
Lendren2010-04-28 10:40:04
QUOTE (Lillie @ Apr 27 2010, 11:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks, and to clarify:
Typically, when someone is slender, at least in a fantasy world like Lusternia, you imagine some graceful, slender, smooth figure. But Lillie's not like that at all. He's lanky and clumsy and bumbling and generally all over the place.
Typically, when someone is slender, at least in a fantasy world like Lusternia, you imagine some graceful, slender, smooth figure. But Lillie's not like that at all. He's lanky and clumsy and bumbling and generally all over the place.
The word "gangly" might help.
Felicia2010-04-28 21:04:38
QUOTE (kristabel @ Apr 28 2010, 04:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This is what I am using right now.
"She is an ordinary human and is very petite, with bright red hair hanging
down just long enough to brush her delicate shoulders. Her intelligent blue
eyes shine like orbs of sky, bejewelling her faintly elf-like face. Upon this
face she will often display her warm, dimpling smile. Her slim frame is
nothing much to speak of save for her rather shapely hips. Most notable
of all her features however, is the feline grace with which she moves.
This young woman could have been a trained dancer for most of her life,
or an acrobat. She is wearing a canvas backpack, a dark purple lace
corset, an angled, short black skirt, and soft, thigh high boots."
Any feedback? Suggestions?
"She is an ordinary human and is very petite, with bright red hair hanging
down just long enough to brush her delicate shoulders. Her intelligent blue
eyes shine like orbs of sky, bejewelling her faintly elf-like face. Upon this
face she will often display her warm, dimpling smile. Her slim frame is
nothing much to speak of save for her rather shapely hips. Most notable
of all her features however, is the feline grace with which she moves.
This young woman could have been a trained dancer for most of her life,
or an acrobat. She is wearing a canvas backpack, a dark purple lace
corset, an angled, short black skirt, and soft, thigh high boots."
Any feedback? Suggestions?
Here again, making judgments for the observer is best avoided, particularly where eyes are concerned. Adjectives like "intelligent," "piercing," "warm," or "cold" all fall into this category. A kephera may only recognize them as being eyes, lacking the human cultural experience necessary to interpret any emotion they might contain. A human enemy of yours probably wouldn't think of your eyes as being "warm," and a genius Aeromancer who thinks your character is foolish won't see your eyes as being "intelligent," no matter what they look like.
It's easy to fall into this trap, because in books (for example), an author can make narrative judgement calls for the characters and share them with the reader. This is because the author created all of those characters, and knows how they feel about each other. The book is completely linear, and the only real "players" are the author and the reader.
In a dynamic, multiplayer RP environment, however, there's no way to know what other characters (and their players) will think of you from your description alone, so trying to make the judgment for them is not good form.
Also, much like my critique of Daraius' description, directly describing the way your character smiles, moves, and talks is best expressed through emotes and your actual actions in-game, rather than your description. (Example: Smiling sweetly, Kristabel says, "Hello, my name is Kristabel.")
Telling the observer that "she could have been a trained dancer or acrobat" is a huge no-no. That's quite boldly telling someone, flat-out, what they should think of your character. Definitely work on that if you don't change anything else.
Disclaimer: All of the above is my opinion, of course, not fact.
Unknown2010-05-07 20:40:08
QUOTE (Felicia @ Apr 28 2010, 09:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Telling the observer that "she could have been a trained dancer or acrobat" is a huge no-no. That's quite boldly telling someone, flat-out, what they should think of your character. Definitely work on that if you don't change anything else.
But she IS a trained dancer/acrobat, and people looking at her body and how she moves will be able to see a difference between her and someone who is not. That's all I am really trying to convey here. Would you suggest another way to go about that? I haven't had much lock in rephrasing it so that it both gets my point across and doesn't tell someone else what to think like you pointed out. I will agree there's got to be some better way.
Sylphas2010-05-07 20:57:05
QUOTE (kristabel @ May 7 2010, 04:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
But she IS a trained dancer/acrobat, and people looking at her body and how she moves will be able to see a difference between her and someone who is not. That's all I am really trying to convey here. Would you suggest another way to go about that? I haven't had much lock in rephrasing it so that it both gets my point across and doesn't tell someone else what to think like you pointed out. I will agree there's got to be some better way.
Honestly, that's not something you see just looking at someone. If she's standing still, the only clue they'll have is musculature and such. I'm relatively unconcerned with mild examples of "telling people what to think," but a lot of people are hardcore about keeping to only what is ALWAYS visible about you, only from passive examination.
Felicia2010-05-08 02:05:04
I'm definitely a purist when it comes to character descriptions, and my criticism will always reflect that. Not everyone agrees with this approach, of course, and that's completely fine.
@Kristabel:
Keep in mind that dancing and acrobatics are performance arts. A physically fit, leanly muscled woman might be a dancer or an acrobat, but the same description could hint at skills like Environment (rock climbing and swimming), Athletics (running and sprinting), Stealth (self-explanatory), Kata (martial arts), or even Knighthood (fencing). Women in all of these real-life disciplines may look very similar to dancers or acrobats, on the surface.
That's why you haven't been able to think of a better way to phrase what you're trying to convey, Kristabel: There isn't one. Athletic women don't "look like" acrobats or dancers, unless that atheltic body is seen in the proper context.
My suggestion is to find adjectives that present your character as being generally athletic, without trying to convey something specific like "acrobat" in your actual description. For other characters to realize that your character's athleticism is a result of acrobatic training, they will need to observe you training (see you taking Acrobatics lessons), hear you discussing Acrobatics with other acrobats, see you perform acrobatic feats (Handstand, for example), or witness creative emotes you invent that strongly hint at your character's acrobaticism.
In other words, use all of the tools you're given to complete the image of your character. Don't rely only on your character's description to tell people everything you want them to know about Kristabel. This is a living world, so you can show people that you are warm and intelligent through your character's words and actions. You can demonstrate your character's special skills and unique characteristics through emotes and the use of actual abilities. You can even use "SAY (BLAH) " to give them an idea of what your voice sounds like.
Although it may seem boring to stick only to what people can actually see with no forced judgments or "implied messages" in your description (like "she's an acrobat"), there's still plenty of room for creativity.
@Kristabel:
Keep in mind that dancing and acrobatics are performance arts. A physically fit, leanly muscled woman might be a dancer or an acrobat, but the same description could hint at skills like Environment (rock climbing and swimming), Athletics (running and sprinting), Stealth (self-explanatory), Kata (martial arts), or even Knighthood (fencing). Women in all of these real-life disciplines may look very similar to dancers or acrobats, on the surface.
That's why you haven't been able to think of a better way to phrase what you're trying to convey, Kristabel: There isn't one. Athletic women don't "look like" acrobats or dancers, unless that atheltic body is seen in the proper context.
My suggestion is to find adjectives that present your character as being generally athletic, without trying to convey something specific like "acrobat" in your actual description. For other characters to realize that your character's athleticism is a result of acrobatic training, they will need to observe you training (see you taking Acrobatics lessons), hear you discussing Acrobatics with other acrobats, see you perform acrobatic feats (Handstand, for example), or witness creative emotes you invent that strongly hint at your character's acrobaticism.
In other words, use all of the tools you're given to complete the image of your character. Don't rely only on your character's description to tell people everything you want them to know about Kristabel. This is a living world, so you can show people that you are warm and intelligent through your character's words and actions. You can demonstrate your character's special skills and unique characteristics through emotes and the use of actual abilities. You can even use "SAY (BLAH) " to give them an idea of what your voice sounds like.
Although it may seem boring to stick only to what people can actually see with no forced judgments or "implied messages" in your description (like "she's an acrobat"), there's still plenty of room for creativity.
yllbraethog2010-05-09 07:59:45
This is my newer, revised description for Yll, since his return to the lands I decided to remove the dragonscales, barbed tail, and wings among other things. Because they're not always there. I am still not terribly happy with the whole thing, but I am liking it better than the old one. What do you guys think?
He is a fiendish master viscanti and is lean and tall. He has very long, white
hair which is parted down the middle and hangs nearly to his waist. Sharp,
upward curving horns angle out of his forehead just above thick white eyebrows
and bright red, luminous eyes. He has an elfen nose and a generous mouthful of
gleaming fangs. His skin is a corpse-like mottled grey and is here and there
decorated with tattoos of black runic symbols. He is wearing plain grey
trousers, and a grand ring of steel.
Felicia2010-05-10 03:10:29
QUOTE (Yllbraethog @ May 9 2010, 03:59 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This is my newer, revised description for Yll, since his return to the lands I decided to remove the dragonscales, barbed tail, and wings among other things. Because they're not always there. I am still not terribly happy with the whole thing, but I am liking it better than the old one. What do you guys think?
Yours is an excellent example of a description which avoids making judgments on the observer's behalf. You've earned my Stamp of Approval for Purityâ„¢.
My only criticism is that your description could be fleshed out with some additional detail. There are also some minor grammatical errors:
QUOTE (Yllbraethog @ May 9 2010, 03:59 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
...upward curving horns angle out of his forehead just above thick white eyebrows
and bright red, luminous eyes. He has an elfen nose....
and bright red, luminous eyes. He has an elfen nose....
"Upward-curving" should be hyphenated. Technically, "elfen" is not a word in the English language — the correct spelling is "elfin." Of course, Lusternia includes a race named the elfen. If you wish only to convey the delicate shape of your character's nose, I recommend using "elfin"; if you additionally wish to convey that your viscanti might have been an elfen before the Taint, then by all means retain what you already have.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, here is how I would personally spice up your current description:
"He has very long, white hair which is parted down the middle and hangs nearly to his waist."
This is a somewhat redundant statement, because the observer can already see that the hair is long by the fact that it hangs nearly to your character's waist. Suggested change: "His voluminous white hair is parted down the middle, and hangs nearly to his waist."
"Sharp, upward curving horns angle out of his forehead just above thick white eyebrows and bright red, luminous eyes."
I would change this to: "Sharp, upward-curving horns protrude from his forehead; thick white eyebrows and luminous, vivid red eyes dominate his facial features." ("Angle out of his forehead" sounds awkward to me. Using both "bright" and "luminous" to describe your character's eyes is also somewhat awkward, and a tad redundant. Finally, if it's not too fancy for your taste, you might like to use "countenance" in place of "facial features." It would be a appropriate for a demonic creature, I think.)
"His skin is a corpse-like mottled grey and is here and there decorated with tattoos of black runic symbols."
I would change this to: "His corpse-like skin is mottled grey, adorned here and there with tattoos depicting black runic symbols." ("Adorned" is probably more evocative than "decorated" in this case.)
EDIT: You may wish to replace "luminous" with "incandescent" or "shining" (regarding your character's eyes), or "voluminous" with a different sort of adjective altogether (regarding your character's hair). Using both "luminous" and "voluminous" in the same description might be jarring to the observer.
Sylphas2010-05-10 03:32:03
Elfin is an english word based on the word "elf". In Lusternia I'm pretty certain, actually having Elfen, the word would have come to be used as an adjective with the same spelling. Seeing "elfin" would be kind of immersion breaking.
Felicia2010-05-10 03:51:59
QUOTE (Sylphas @ May 9 2010, 11:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Elfin is an english word based on the word "elf". In Lusternia I'm pretty certain, actually having Elfen, the word would have come to be used as an adjective with the same spelling. Seeing "elfin" would be kind of immersion breaking.
Perhaps so. The problem (as I see it) is twofold: There aren't many mellifluous synonyms for "elfin" (most are dull and boring), and unlike in the real world, elfen do in fact exist on Lusternia as flesh-and-blood creatures. As a result, you can't really use "elfen" as a descriptive adjective without also summoning up an image of the elfen race for the observer, which may be an undesired effect.
It could be argued that "elfin" exists alongside "elfen" in Lusternia. "Elfen" might be used only as a proper noun or as an adjective denoting ownership or craftsmanship (sword of elfen make, elfen castle), whereas physical features of unspecific delicacy might be described as "elfin."
Everiine2010-05-10 19:55:31
QUOTE (Felicia @ May 9 2010, 11:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As a result, you can't really use "elfen" as a descriptive adjective without also summoning up an image of the elfen race for the observer, which may be an undesired effect.
Unless of course, that is exactly the desired effect.
Unknown2010-05-10 20:54:02
He is a fiendish master viscanti and appears to be rather unhealthy. He stands
constantly hunched over, with bony spikes growing from his spine, some still
covered in bits of drying flesh and skin. The skin which is not broken by the
spines is a ruddy pink and anything but smooth. His arms, which easily reaches
his knees, ends in gnarled, dirt encrusted claws. Three pairs of large horns
crown his skull, one pair twists from above his eyes, another pair from his
temples, while the final pair curves from behind his ears to under his jaw. His
face can best be described as flat, with no nose to speak of, only two slits.
His eyes are a luminescent white, with no visible pupil or iris. His thin lips
conceal blackened, needle like teeth.
Any suggestions, or improvements? I was kind of going for a former street rat look. Ish.
constantly hunched over, with bony spikes growing from his spine, some still
covered in bits of drying flesh and skin. The skin which is not broken by the
spines is a ruddy pink and anything but smooth. His arms, which easily reaches
his knees, ends in gnarled, dirt encrusted claws. Three pairs of large horns
crown his skull, one pair twists from above his eyes, another pair from his
temples, while the final pair curves from behind his ears to under his jaw. His
face can best be described as flat, with no nose to speak of, only two slits.
His eyes are a luminescent white, with no visible pupil or iris. His thin lips
conceal blackened, needle like teeth.
Any suggestions, or improvements? I was kind of going for a former street rat look. Ish.
Felicia2010-05-11 16:34:55
QUOTE (Everiine @ May 10 2010, 03:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Unless of course, that is exactly the desired effect.
I explicitly allowed for that in my initial response:
QUOTE (Felicia)
...if you additionally wish to convey that your viscanti might have been an elfen before the Taint, then by all means retain what you already have.
Felicia2010-05-11 17:54:28
QUOTE (Vliuun @ May 10 2010, 04:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Any suggestions, or improvements? I was kind of going for a former street rat look. Ish.
I think it's great.
I went to town on your description and took a number of liberties (undead and demonic creatures are such fun!). Take or leave my changes as you see fit, of course. I also corrected a few minor grammatical errors, though.
He is a fiendish master viscanti and appears to be rather unhealthy. His posture is perpetually hunched over. Bony spikes jut from his spine, some still covered in loathsome bits of withered flesh and skin. That skin which is not broken by the spikes is scabrous, {wrinkled/rough/etc.}, and ruddy pink in colour. His arms, which easily reach to his knees, end in gnarled, filth-encrusted claws. Three pairs of large horns crown his skull. One pair twists outward from his brow, another pair from his temples, while the final pair curves its way from behind his ears to underneath his jaw. His face can best be described as flat, his nostrils only slits with no nose to speak of. His eyes are a luminescent white, lacking any visible pupil or iris. His thin lips conceal blackened, needle-like teeth.
Unknown2010-05-11 19:50:31
QUOTE (Felicia @ May 11 2010, 07:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's great.
I went to town on your description and took a number of liberties (undead and demonic creatures are such fun!). Take or leave my changes as you see fit, of course. I also corrected a few minor grammatical errors, though.
He is a fiendish master viscanti and appears to be rather unhealthy. His posture is perpetually hunched over. Bony spikes jut from his spine, some still covered in loathsome bits of withered flesh and skin. That skin which is not broken by the spikes is scabrous, {wrinkled/rough/etc.}, and ruddy pink in colour. His arms, which easily reach to his knees, end in gnarled, filth-encrusted claws. Three pairs of large horns crown his skull. One pair twists outward from his brow, another pair from his temples, while the final pair curves its way from behind his ears to underneath his jaw. His face can best be described as flat, his nostrils only slits with no nose to speak of. His eyes are a luminescent white, lacking any visible pupil or iris. His thin lips conceal blackened, needle-like teeth.
I went to town on your description and took a number of liberties (undead and demonic creatures are such fun!). Take or leave my changes as you see fit, of course. I also corrected a few minor grammatical errors, though.
He is a fiendish master viscanti and appears to be rather unhealthy. His posture is perpetually hunched over. Bony spikes jut from his spine, some still covered in loathsome bits of withered flesh and skin. That skin which is not broken by the spikes is scabrous, {wrinkled/rough/etc.}, and ruddy pink in colour. His arms, which easily reach to his knees, end in gnarled, filth-encrusted claws. Three pairs of large horns crown his skull. One pair twists outward from his brow, another pair from his temples, while the final pair curves its way from behind his ears to underneath his jaw. His face can best be described as flat, his nostrils only slits with no nose to speak of. His eyes are a luminescent white, lacking any visible pupil or iris. His thin lips conceal blackened, needle-like teeth.
Thank you!
So using it.