Hello everyone,

I have a rather serious topic I want to bring up here, and yes, it does have to do with Lusternia, and there's a real life component to this topic. To tell you bluntly:

Without delving too deep into my medical history, I will say that I've been suffering from depression and anxiety much of my life. Unfortunately, it's baggage that, I've discovered recently at today's Ascension event, can interfere with my ability to play and enjoy the game.

If you're wondering what happened - well, during the Ascension event, I really wanted to help out my city, Celest, during the event. But unfortunately, my ability to do so proved to be ineffectual, as whenever I set foot onto the Astral Plane, I was almost immediately killed by one of its monsters, the tongues, eyeballs, and whatnot. I didn't get to do anything during this Ascension event that could be counted as assistance. I was more of a burden than a contributor. Everytime I got killed, I had to wait for someone on Prime to come bring me to Celestia as I didn't know how to get there. I was pretty much useless.

My mind reacted to it horribly - almost immediately thoughts of weakness and uselessness plagued it. Plus, I was just overwhelmed by how much was going on, how much text was flying by my screen and how I was unable to process it all. I was just overcome by powerlessness.

I know it's just a game, but these thoughts just weren't going away, as I was overcome by lots of social anxiety - what would all the other players think of this? Would they hate me for being such a burden during the Ascension? Would they chastise me, berate me, belittle me for my ineffectiveness and my inability to do what they do? And I also got mad at myself for breaking down despite the fact that it was just a game. What's wrong with me? Why am I crying over a simple game? Yes, I did cry in real life...and I got mad at myself for crying. It was a vicious cycle, a feedback loop that keeps pulling me down further and further.

I have a bit of a secret - the character of Parabollus is based partly on myself and my own personality. The reason for that is because through roleplaying, I was hoping to learn the skills to cope with my depression and anxiety in real life. And to have fun and make the real world more tolerable while I was as it. In that regard, Lusternia has indeed helped.

But now I'm not so sure if this is the best thing for me. If I broke down so horribly during something as - and I'm sorry for saying this - as insignificant an event (compared to real life) as an Ascension, is this game really good for me? I'm not so sure now...

I really want to keep playing. I've had an immense amount of fun so far, and I want to reap the psychological benefits of playing here. But is this going to be the cost? It may be too much for me. I'm not sure what to do. Please, advise. I really could use your help.

Hey well all I can say is hang in there. You probably look around and see all those people who are like uber-strong and run around killing things all the time. Remember that they too were in your place. This game can get frustrating at times as the sheer amount of work you have to put into it to get stronger. Now I haven't been in the same situation as you in terms of the depression and stuff but in terms of feeling useless ... I definitely have. What I would suggest is if you're really getting frustrated with the game and that is dragging over to real life maybe you should take a couple days off or maybe a week or two. After that when you return to the game everything seems fresher and brighter. If that doesn't work take longer breaks even. I've always found that when Lusternia gets frustrating, taking breaks and having fun doing other stuff helps out alot.

Well, I hope you find something in what I said to be useful ... just trying my best to help ya out, buddy.

I suffer from a very similar problem, although I also don't want to get into medical details either. I used to be absolutely terrified of getting into any combat situation whatsoever and became very stressed and upset when I would do so, inevitably dying because of my total lack of experience/a system/aliases.

My recommendation to you is to start avoiding combat completely, as I learned to. The good thing about Lusternia is that it's not all about combat and waving your man stick/lady equivalent at other players by showing them how big and bad you are, as it is with many other games. Even though that is an option for the people who are good at it/enjoy it. There are dozens of different aspects to Lusternia - serious roleplaying, light roleplaying, cultural stuff like writing/reading books, the opportunity to level through influencing instead of hunting... lots of different avenues for social interaction, etc.

Do the things you truly enjoy and do the things that you know you're good at.

As soon as I stopped attempting to participate in the things I wasn't good at, my enjoyment of the game shot up significantly. I'm not having panic attacks and crying every day because I believe that other people think I'm useless.

If none of that helps, step away from Lusternia at least for a little while. No game is worth risking your health and mental well being for.

This does not sound like the best game for you. Take care of yourself first.

It's worth noting that the Ascension event is basically impossible to participate in unless you:

a) are a high-level player in a large group
B) have a seal.

Everyone who isn't a seal-bearer is pretty much cannon fodder and you shouldn't feel bad about dying.

However, Lusternia is a game that often provokes high emotions in its players, and in many cases you will feel helpless if you can't fight. If you notice yourself getting emotionally involved in the game you should probably just log off for a little while and cool down.

Its not your fault that your character hasn't had the time to develop to what is needed for such an intense event. Keep doing what you enjoy and try again next year

Getting proper medical attention is the most important thing. Lusternia is not going to cure anything. Any other decisions can follow after that.

I actually find this very interesting. I am doing my graduate studies in psychology with a focus on expressive art therapies. By using various methods through art, drama, music, and written word my focus is to unravel certain emotional triggers and help aid in recovery through psychotherapeutic development and systemic therapy (little do you all know you are all part of a really interesting cognitive behavior experiment of mine). My interest mostly falls into the realm of PTSD and war vets, but I am starting to find more and more interest with anxiety disorders and depression (which can go hand in hand with PTSD).

Perhaps Lusternia is something you should talk about with a/your trained therapist. It could be used as a great RP/art alternative and bridge some interesting gaps for you. Much of what most people RP here is a small reflection of themselves to some degree. It is a great release technique just as long as you can avoid crossing certain personal boundaries, which sounds like you may have trouble with. If not Lusternia, maybe another MUD perhaps. Either way, by working through a creative outlet such as this you are actually doing yourself some good on some levels...just be careful and perhaps get some professional guidance with it. It may be something that does more harm than good if you let it get away from you. Good luck and I hope you find something out about yourself in your time here.

This game is very easy to get emotionally attached to - all IRE games are. In fact, any activity you place such a vast amount of time, invested interest, possibly even actual money in - you can easily grow attached to. Failing, proving burdensome, or losing something can actually be a real blow to some people. I would say that you should not regard Lusternia or any other IRE experience as a cure or treatment for depression or anxiety. While in some odd, twisted way it has helped me with my problems with associating with large crowds - by being a political leader in another game - I don't know if the same could work for many other things.

However, just because you suffer from depression and/or anxiety does not mean you cannot play Lusternia. It does not mean you should not. I also have suffered from depression (and still do) and I still do suffer large bouts of anxiety - I find that disengaging myself from those situations by coming home to play a game like this one can actually be slightly therapeutic simply on the level of calming me down by allowing me to focus on something else.

As somebody else did - and you yourself did as well - the internet and roleplaying both have a habit of bringing out the best of us, the worst of us, and the most true facts about ourselves. Here, in the relative 'anonymous' society of the internet, we are most likely reveal our true nature and our true selves. The same goes for many things - art, writing, our thoughts, anything we place an interest in. Perhaps you should bring this up to your therapist - don't give up on an activity you like just because of depression or anxiety. You should know better than that - by letting depression alter the course of your life, even your hobbies, you are letting it get in the way of you doing what you life. If you honestly like Lusternia, you should not regard it as a medication, but you could definitely regard it as something to look forward to when you get home after a bad day - an escape for a little bit, so to speak.

If you are honestly interested in such things as combat, be prepared for an adrenaline rush, a headache, and so many other mixed feelings. You're in for a wild ride when you want to PK - and to a newbie, the entry level for combat is very, very intimidating and perhaps nerve wracking. You should probably take things slow, like I did.

Hun, I would strongly advise you to step away from the game for a week or so. As many others have mentioned, your health and well being should always come first. When this sort of situation arises, it is best to look at things in a logical perspective. As a friend of mine said once, "Stop feeling. Start analyzing".

I like this, I'm stealing it.

I started playing MUDs when I was going through PTSD/social anxiety after being raped. Was seeing a therapist at the time (because, duh) and she encouraged me to keep playing. The anonymous, yet also, on some level, personal connection, allowed me to get comfortable with social situations and so on again, and the leadership/goal-oriented projects that you find yourself doing in MUDs helped me develop good leadership and work skills, which I used in a campaign to fix our campus' rape reporting policy and procedure.

Beyond that, I've made friends (one of my best friends RL, as well as a guy I dated for 3 years, I met at local player meets), developed good skills, gotten more motivated to be creative, and even got a career started in the video game industry, all spurred on by my dorky game playing.

Any activity can be both good and bad, but if they let you work out the issues you are going through, in an environment more comfortable for you (fantasy is nice in that regard), then I don't see why you should stop. Just focus on pinpointing what makes you upset, and why you get upset, and what you can do to fix that - with a game like this, there's nearly always some alternative option you have to still help out, such as powerquesting to replace the heavy draws the fighters are making, cooking them platters to enhance their stats, etc.

Overall, MUDs can be great, if you make sure to give yourself feedback on how you are doing. Self-assessment is key, so do consider seeing a therapist as well, if you aren't. They are lovely people, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeing one.

I'll admit I have a type of depression. Also, I might have ADHD-I, but they are not sure, so anyway. I've started to cry once, but that was when a moron started calling me a moron and stuff like that. Anyway. If you have such problems, do as everybody else says, take a break. I recommend lots and lots of sunlight. Makes you feel better.

Wait, let me add something. I can't handle talking about my experiences or feelings really, so this is as much advice I can give without breaking down, pretty much. Hope it helps!

I'm usually pretty bad with getting things across so bare with me cause this is a sensitive subject for me. I started playing Lusternia some two years ago I suppose? It's my first and really only game I've played. At the time I started playing I was still suffering from daily panic attacks(so bad I had to leave work several times and I ended up taking time away from college because I was on the verge of a breakdown), nightmares and depression. To backtrack my ex-stepdad abused me(physically and mentally) from the time I was about 10 until i turned 18. He also tried to molest me when I was 11 and wasn't completely out of my life until I was about 21. So at the age of 22, still suffering from what happened I found Lusternia. And to be honest it's been a godsend.

I've had problems interacting with and trusting people, standing up for myself, and really just feeling like I was worthless. The people that I've met here and the friends that I've made have really helped me open up and come out of my shell. I still get stressed of course and I take some time away from Lusternia when I need to but the experiences I've had here I could never have gotten anywhere else.

So don't give up Para! Just take time away to get yourself right and come back when you need to, Lusty is great place with wonderful people. Don't worry about being weak now, it's only temperory and easily fixed with time, you helped out as much as you could and you are very appreciated for it.

I played Achaea for a solid two years straight. About four or five years ago. My character at that time was Yagimata. She started out in the Serpentlords, got involved with a certain character, got engaged, and it was sweet. However, when the relationships between her fiance, city, and most importantly her sister became estranged, she began searching for something to fill the void. That something was power, which she found in Evil. It should be said a vast majority of those she associated with closely were very against this.

After her move, she met another man with a similar story. Eventually she saw what she had left, who she had become, and started trying to get it back.

Now she was stuck between two sides - and more specifically two different men whom she loved. She was sitting in her new city, one of Good, when her Evil man decided to pay her a visit. He saw her for only a second, and was then a soul.

For some reason, at this point my hands were shaking. I had officially broken the gap between my character and myself. It was horribly uncomfortable. I didn't touch IRE for a year and half.

About that time I was diagnosed with depression, general anxiety disorder, and schizophrenia. The meds suck, and so does my therapist.

However, there's a very, very happy ending.

It's name is Lusternia =]

I started playing Achaea again in December. It had changed from the RP intensive game I loved to a textual WoW. Pissed me off.

Now I'm here.

I'm a happier and better functioning person because of the role IRE games are playing now. I no longer try to be myself when playing. I try my damnedest to be someone completely different. I sit back and I think "What would Kio do/say/think/feel in this situation?"

When it comes down to it, whenever I've had a bad day or a horrible experience (especially when the ex pops back up out of nowhere), I dawn on Kio's facade and go to town. It used to be I would put a little part of me in my character. Now, my character puts a little of him/her in me.

It helps for me, but only after I gave it such a long break.

Not sure why I'm posting. At first maybe I thought sharing my experience would help you out. Now, however, I think it was more to help me out. Regardless, it'll get better.

It always does, sooner or later.

=]

First of all, I think it's really brave that you can come out and talk about these things so openly. It shows that you are trying to find a way to deal and cope with your problems and I find that admirable.

Now for the feelings you developed during and after the Ascension are actually normal in a sense. Of course, with your medical condition it amplifies and makes things a lot more complicated then just that. I won't sit here and pretend I know exactly what you are going through because I have no problems or conditions that I'm aware of and it would be hypocritical for me to believe I can relate to what your going through. I can offer some advice that may clear things up, if not I hope you the best.

All people are different, and with that being said you are going to run into all sorts of individuals who apply themselves differently to the game world of Lusternia. Some people like to RP, some like to create items to express their creativity and there are others who come for PK to fulfill their needs. None of these people are more correct then the other, but I think perhaps you haven't quite found your niche yet.

What do you like to do with your time in Lusternia? What makes you happy? From your post I can see you are a genuine person who likes to help out whenever you can. I think your best bet would be to re-evaluate this situation as a whole. What do you want from this game? How will you achieve those goals? Do I know the extent of my characters capabilities and the best way to apply them to help people? Helping during an Ascension is only one small fraction of the game and is something that is easily avoidable. There are so many other ways to lend a helping hand and let it be known that their are people who appreciate what you offer to the game. I think you need to not be so hard on yourself as well, raise that chin up and understand that tomorrow is another day.

I think if the event in question continues to pull and pry at your mind, maybe you should take a little break. After that, come back afterwards. If things are still a problem, sit down and think about your priorities which is your health.

Believe me, you aren't the only one who has cried because of Lusternia and the events within it.

When Amatsemaru was a Nihilist I screwed up -a lot-. I mean, I can't even count how many times I was yelled at, threatened with disfavours, et cetra. I don't recall the incident excatly, but I was being chastised for somethign wrong I had done and I suppose I was having one of my 'emotionally unstable' moments because I too, suffer with depression and it stacks with my large inferiority complex. However, I remember sitting at my computer desk and crying and being mad at myself for crying because I knew it was just a game! But then I realized that, hell, I screwed up. I screwed up as a person and as a character. It reflected my real life person and how easily confused, lost and just plain stupid I can really be. I knew that those who were affected by my mistake more than likely thought I was an incompetant fool.

I can't stand not having people like me. I don't like being treated like I don't exsist, I don't like being called 'emo' or being belittled in front of others, even virtually. There are real people behind the characters they play and though some claim it is their character, their character is fueled by their emotions, thoughts and current state of mind. Whatever the hell your RP is.

But, despite the emotional crashes I experience in Lusternia, I also get very large emotional boosts. For instance, when I was elected Keeper, I couldn't even convey in words how utterly overjoyed I was. Not to mention, the entire guild was cheering and supporting me and it meant a lot because they were real people acknowledging something I did.

I guess it sort of balances out.

As pointed out, I don't think that the "just a game" argument is as valid with this game as it is with most other games. The players behind the characters are, after all, real people with real emotions. If you don't have many friends in real life, the relationships of the game can become very important to you. Even if you have, the relationships of the game can be almost (or just) as important as those of real life. I know that my self-esteem (which isn't normally too low) can be raised or lowered by the interactions in the game. If I see that there are people who like my character(s) and want to see them around, I feel that it is not only my character but me who is liked. If my character can be useful and helpful, I feel more important as well.

Most of us are interested in how other people see us. People who are depressed (who usually have problems with their self-esteem) tend to think about it all the time when they are in public. So there is nothing wrong with you if you get emotional from "just a game", because you reflect your own person(a) through your character's person(a).

If you feel that you are getting only bad feelings from the game, it is a good idea to take a break. If you feel that the game is useful and gives good emotions to you, keep going. Just remember that you can create a new character or qq anytime, something that is much harder in real life (qq'ing of the real life could be a vacation or something like that). Sometimes it's good to try something completely new in the game, too.

See, its interesting. I have characters on other games, and know exactly how emotionally wound up one can get with them. But lusternia, out of any other, is the one which lets me unwind, relax. Its the only game where I can truly play a 'fun' character, one which doesn't have serious parts to their lives. Look at Twilxo. Drinker, Smoker, insane in many ways, and SO MUCH FUN to play.
What I'm getting at, is even if you can't make your main a carefree experience, make an Alt that is. One that you don't -care- if gets killed by an irate player, because you then go to the top of Avechna's peak and SHOUT witty insults at them

The best advice I can give to anyone who gets attached to their characters to the point of having trauma from IG or IC events is to get the hell out. Get out, go see a therapist. Do not pass Go, do not collect $100, do not stop to thumb your nose or wrap up IG events on your way out. Log out, shut down the computer, and go take care of yourself. Sever your connection with your character, stop feeling guilty about obligations to everything in the game. Leave, leave now, and do not ride the boat any further down the river. It does not lead to a good place.

Lusternia is not a nice place, and if you let it, it can severely :censor: up your life. It is full of people who will grief you, people who will happily feed into your insecurities, or people with similar issues who may or may not be able to emphasize with you. It's also full of some really amazingly talented and cool people, and can be a tremendous force for good in someone's life. But it's not a substitute for life or getting life back together, and chances are, the stresses and drama of cities, communes, Guilds, Orders, clans, etc, will only make things worse.

Furthermore, chances are, if you let your issues affect how you interact with people IG, they're going to troll you. This is only going to make matters worse. Similarly, if you :censor: up enough in the same way, people aren't going to be terribly empathic regarding psychological issues. Eventually, the sympathy boat will run dry, and things will become about 2000x worse from when you started.

Things to keep in mind. But in all honesty, Nocht hit it on the head. Forget the game. Go take care of your depression before it gets worse.